I took them all because I thought they would
help me somehow become a better man.
I took them every single chance I could -
had no idea there was a better plan.
Spent so much money, you will never know,
blacked out so many times - don't know myself.
Somehow I thought that fun was letting go -
of fears which kept me on some un-cool shelf.
For years I lived like this, all high and drunk.
I took so much lost sight of who I was.
Unkempt, a slob, and smelling like a skunk -
I wasn't "scene." A fool is what I was!
I wish I knew the truth in younger shoes -
not all things gay require drugs and booze.

I do remember John from way back when.
In high school I made sure we would be pals.
On school's first day, he asked me for a pen -
so he could write his number for the gals.
I wanted him so badly, words can't say.
We always were together, that was true.
We stood so close, he rarely pulled away -
I never once said, "John, I so want you."
Despite the fact he spoke of girls not guys,
I outed him as gay. I know, how wrong!
I wanted him so bad I spread those lies -
the kids thought we were lovers right along.
When I was young, I played with pointless toys.
When I grew up I put away - straight boys.

You went to see your girlfriend just as planned.
I sit alone, just staring at the wall.
You said you'd try to make her understand -
you wouldn't let the love we share just fall.
You went to see your girlfriend and I'm here.
I stare at clouds inside my coffee mug.
My heart is racing, mainly out of fear.
I sure could use your famous, shoddy hug.
You said you'd tell her everything today.
You swore you'd tell her she is on the outs.
Since I'm not there, I don't know what you'll say.
I'm sitting here with questions, fears, and doubts.
You keep on saying that you love me so ..
then gay or bi - you'll let the woman go.

If I was not born gay, maybe - I would.
I'd find myself a lovely girl to date.
I'd go to church like every good man should
and scoff at everyone who isn't straight.
I'd blame those faggots for the curse of AIDS -
I'd plant my crops by sowing poison seeds.
I'd only drink those yellow lemonades -
the pink kinds are for fags and girlie deeds.
I'd beat up local queers all late at night
at closing time when they come prancing by.
My life would be so perfect -- living right.
But for the grace of God, there not -- go I.
If I was not born gay I would select
to still be gay and not some straight - "defect."

By - Me !

I hear this song,
it reminds me of you.
Singing and dancing
around the room.

I see a half-colored picture,
it reminds me of her.
Writing her nickname
on the white board.

I hold my notebook
close to my heart.
The one I got there,
before I left and we were
ripped apart.

I know it'll get better someday. I know all of this will start to go away. But it's hard. It's really hard.

I finally cried. For a few minutes, I just let it out. My feeling of loss. Losing the hospital, my two friends there. I wonder if they're still there or if they've gotten out. The days seem to take forever to go by, but when I lay down to go to bed, it seems that the days have gone by so fast. It's already been two days since I got discharged and it seems like half an hour ago.

I hurt inside. I don't know how to fix it. I guess I just have to wait it off, but like I said, it's hard. It's hard and it hurts. So badly.

I hate this being attached to the hospital. It really was an escape. But for a week it was also my home. And for a week those people were my family. And all of a sudden I'm not there anymore. They aren't there beside me anymore. I can't wait to visit the unit again, with my mom. She breaks the rules by taking me to work with her sometimes anyways. And everyone wants me to visit. But I know it's way too soon. And it's too soon to write. But it's all I can think about. Is visiting, seeing them again, writing to them. It's only been two days and already I'm breaking down again. I can feel myself crumbling inside.

I don't know what to do.

However harsh it may be, I do not plan on speaking to B tomorrow. She announced to the entire geometry class (none of whom I am friends with) that I was in the mental health unit in the hospital. Where does she get off doing something like that? It's really none of her business in the first place, and it is certainly NOT her place to tell anyone!

I feel my frustration simmering inside, and I'm desperate for something to stop it before I explode again. I'm searching and searching. My little sister is being a bitch and I'm about to explode, so I'm going to leave the room.

Bye for now.

I don't know if I've ever been depressed like this. So depressed that at every minute, my eyes are glazed over, stinging, ready to leak tears.

I think I've figured out what I'm feeling.

Homesick.

Homesick for a hospital.

I feel like I've been adopted and brought to a new home, except I'm with my family and in my own home.

I don't know what to do to even ease this feeling.

I'm so depressed.

No answers are in my sight.

I feel stuck in this feeling.

Help.

So, it's been a week.

I've been in the mental health unit at the hospital.

You'd think I'd be happy to be home.

But I'm really depressed at the moment.

It was a break from everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

It was a superficial life.

Get up, go to groups, play games, have fun, go to bed.

I love all of the staff there.

Especially M.

Not only am I going to miss all of the staff, whom I will keep in contact with anyways, but I'll miss just being there. I really got comfortable.

I'm going to cry.

This is weird.

I miss the hospital.

NOW how insane do I sound?

I don't know. I think my relationship with my older sister is beyond repair. I just don't know. She continually does things to anger me, upset me, and disgust me. I make an effort to get along with her, and she just makes extremely offensive remarks. She came downstairs from her shower, just in a towel, and went to the bathroom to get dressed. And, what a fucking suprise, her "friend" got up and ran after her and into the bathroom they went. Together. With her naked. Getting dressed. What a low, sick, perverted thing to do. Especially with a 10 year old girl in the house, my little sister. Alchohol bottles in the fridge and freezer, them coming home drunk every night, talking like morons. I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY. I WISH MY SISTER WOULD GROW UP.

Katharine's 17th birthday party is on Saturday from 5 to 9. There's going to be a lot of people there. Some of them I know, some I'm friends with. Quite a few that I don't know. But I'm her best friend, I have to go, she says. There's no way in hell I'd miss it, anyways. Maybe I'll get to know some of the people better.

I played in gym again today. Even though I really didn't want to. Yay!

Tomorrow I'm going to see the meds doctor. I can't WAIT. I so desperately want to start meds again; my life is falling apart. But if the one she suggests I start increase anxiety in the least bit, I will refuse to take it. I need help with my anxiety, not anything that will make it worse. This doctor is leaving, too, so I'll get started on meds and then someone will fill in until they find a new doctor. Which is not necessarily a good thing, I don't think. What if I start them and am miserable and desperately need a change? The fill in doesn't know my background, my situation. How would they be able to adjust my meds?

When I think about life, I really don't see any point. It's just a struggle to maintain happiness, a healthy body (only to stay alive longer), socialize, start a family. And for what? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Why have kids? They'll just die when they get old. Just like everyone else. Everyone just dies in the end. Humans are pointless. Sometimes I resent even being born. Because my life is miserable, and a constant struggle. And for no reason. I'm here, I'm queer (haha), I'm miserable, and I'm just going to get old and die. There's no point in learning anything, because even if you do and use your knowledge to change the world, what's the point in changing the world? Just to make it bearable for the generations to come? Just so that they can survive until it's their time to die? POINTLESS. We all die in the end, no matter how good a life we lived, no matter what we did. Stupid. Pointless. That's what life is. Life means nothing.

Oh, what NOW!

The other day in bio Katharine and I were talking about House, and I said "Hey, you know, the guy that plays House is one of the bad guys in 101 dalmations." And she said, "No, he wasn't." And we argued about it for a few minutes and I said, "Okay, I'll bring you proof."

And so I got to it just now, and printed stuff off from imdb.com and what I printed off were the cast lists for House and 101 Dalmations. And oh, what a coincidence!

Hugh Laurie...Jasper
Hugh Laurie...Dr. Gregory House

Too bad we didn't bet money.

=)

I played in gym today. I am very proud of myself.

I really want Diet Pepsi.

I heart my Mr. Bubble pants and I REALLY want some Mr. Bubble bubble bath now! It smeels soo good. =)

I had to use safety pins to close the opening on the front, because they're guys' pants. =P

I heart my Buddy!!!!

Why can't I change my avvy? It didn't even say the image was too large or anything, it just won't change. Can someone help? I've been trying to do this for months.

Okay, well. Forget Michelle. First of all she smokes pot. I don't want to go out with someone who does that, though I don't really care if my friends do or not. AND. This made my heart sink when C told me today. She thinks that being gay is gross. So, forget her. Grr. =( Why am I always attracted to the wrong people?? I don't think I have any chance with Brian, either. I just don't think I do. He likes really hott girls (what a coincidence.), which I'm not. And obviously, he likes skinny girls, which I'm not. He pays no attention to me whatsoever, anyways. Which I guess is a good thing if I want to get over him. Maybe I should try to avoid looking at people all together, then I won't ever have the problem of seeing a gorgeous person and knowing I have no chance. Ha, yeah right. I guess I'll just continue to fall for the wrong people. That's my life, I spose. Oh well.

Oh. My. GOD.

That was the WORST 15 minutes of my LIFE.

We were waiting for the leukemia test to finish. I asked the vet's wife how it shows whether it's negative or positive. She said if blue showed up, it was positive.

After 15 minutes... I saw

BLUE.

Then the vet comes out. And says.

IT'S NEGATIVE.

Thank GOD his wife was mistaken.

THANK GOD.

I love this kitten SO much and now I don't have to worry so much.

It might be distemperment, but we don't know. So we're going to keep going with the antibiotics and help him along until he's better.

Thank God.

<3 I love my buddy! <3

I was late to school again this morning. And to top it all off, today was a day 3 and, oh, what a coincidence - I FORGOT LAB CLASS. I had to stay after today, fill out another fucking plan for "cutting" lab class, and now I have to stay after two more times because of my stupidity. I have enough shit to deal with without the school jumping down my throat because I'm late a few times.

I'm on the verge of dropping out. And if I decide to do that, I better do it soon before they change the drop out age to 18. What the hell would I do if I dropped out? Sit on my lazy ass a little more? I can't get a job because my anxiety holds me back.

I am at a loss.

Thanks you for the comments on my poem. It may convey pain and emotion, but not nearly as much as I am feeling.

We might have to put our kitten down. =( It brings me to tears just thinking about it. He is so precious, and I love him sooooo much. I hope to God that we don't have to. But he's so sick, and he's just getting worse. He's bleeding from his nose a lot. But he's still eating, and he runs around a bit. I don't get it. My poor baby. I know he's my little sister's cat, but I've grown so close to him, he's my baby too. =( I love him so much. I hope there's some way we can get around this. I would do anything. I can't stand to think that even later tonight he might not be curled up in my lap, sound asleep. =( I love him, I love him, I love him. I want him to be okay.