I feel much better now than I did in my last journal.I have taken up running recently.I really want to get toned up and in shape.I also feel really great after being out for a run.I'm not really over-weight.I am at the high end of normal weight using the bmi thingy.So I would really just like to loose a few pounds and tone up,mainly before I go back to college.I would really like to go back and have shaped up significantly for my friends that I haven't seen over Summer to notice.
I have changed my diet a bit.I have replaced my mc donald and burger king meals at lunch for salad sandwichs.I have also been eating a lot more fruit.

My dad has noticed my changing eating habits.He is funny.He noticed I missed a meal today and became all concerned.It wasn't really intentional that I skipped it.I just didn't get time to make dinner today because I had a whole bunch of stuff to get done and then had to go for a run and just didn't get time.

I have been using the new nike plus barcelet thing for y runs.I think it is a great motivator to keep me going.Does anyone else use it or have a team on the nike website?

Anyways I better go.Bye bye.

The world sucks.It is sad I'm sitting here blogging on a Saturday night.It is my own fault.That is all.

Well I came-out to another friend a couple of days ago.It turns out she had already guessed.I had a feeling she did know as a lot of conversations with her seemed to steer around to openings for me to tell her.It was probably one of the best comming-outings I've had so far,if that makes any sense?She is a good bit older than any of my other friends,so maybe it was her maturity about the situation that helped.Once I told her it was like I was able to really open up to her about all the stuff that has been rattling about my head and all my insecurities about it.I talked to her for hours and hours about it,and when I went home I felt different,like a huge weight had been lifted off me.

It is weird because even though I have known her for well over five years,we were never really close close or anything.So I guess thats why it felt strange to open up to her.She was encouraging me big time to tell my family,and a lot of stuff she was telling me was making a lot of sense.I'll be seeing my sister and brother-in-law later and I have been thinking to come-out to them too.I told her that the other day and she has been texting me messages of support and encouragement.Which I know was nice,but I also feel a bit weird about.I know I have to do it,and do it for me.But I guess with someone else knowing and pushing me I feel extra pressure or something?

I was talking to my other friend.I have mentioned him before,but I am not sure if I gave him a name so I'll refer to him as Bill here.He is the guy that repeatedly asked me out last year until I told him I am a total homo.He seems like such a nice guy,but he confuses me so much sometimes.I just don't know what he does be thinking.When I told him I was gay he was crushed.But he did the whole friend thing and was cool about it,and honestly I don't think I'd be half as near as comfortable about it if it wasn't for him helping me out...litterally.But at the same time I sometimes am not even sure if he 100% believes I am gay.Like for the end of the school year he was being totally supportive and helping.Then he would come out with stupid stuff like oh maybe you a are wrong.You have just completely written men off wothout ever having tried.Or maybe you are bisexual.Then when I was talking to him last night on the phone,and I was talking about my friends sister that I am ridiculusly attracted to.He was all like you know maybe you only think that you like her.You know the way sometimes you see a really good-looking person and think you should be attracted to them but you aren't so you try and convince yourself that you are.I was thinking eh no...I think thats what I used to do about guys.

If you have read this far...maybe some advice or thoughts on this guys intentions would be nice =]
Like I am not sure if he really is the super nice supportive friend he seems.Or he actually still hasn't accepted I am gay.

I am not sure if I have been happier lately or just busier.This summer has definitly been a lot more enjoyable than any other summer.I went on holidays for a month to the other side of the world,and since getting back,just over a month ago I have barely had one day where I had nothing to do or nobody to hang out with.

I seem to have gotten much better at making friends.Mainly because I tend to be a lot more willing to go out and socialise,or generally just hang with people than I used to be.But sometimes I feel like I am just going along with everyone to keep everyone happy as opposed to spending time doing something that I want to do.But then when given the time to do that I have no idea what it is that I actually want to do.

Ultimatley I think this is going to come back to me still being in the closet to a lot of people.I have been spending a lot of time with friends from work.They are my main social circle at the moment while I'm off college for the summer.They are a cool bunch of people.I do worry a little bit about telling them I'm a homo,but more than that I think once I do actually tell them I can't really run from it anymore.I think I still have a problem with being gay.I'm still horribly uncomfortable about it.So I come out completely...then what?How do I proceed?

I joined an lgbt group at college at the end of the year.I want to go back to it in September when I get back to college.But I am also really scared about going.I think if I just go and stop thinking about it I would be a lot better off.I have a huge problem with over-thinking things and then scaring myself.Usually when I just numb my mind and do something that if I thought about it would be shit scared,it all turns out fine.

I had a weird dream last night that I put on my bebo page that I'm gay and was then freaking out about it.Weird.

Anyways got to go now.It's finally stopped raining I can go to the shops now.

I am insanely attracted to my friends sister.There I said it!Honestly she is just beautiful,smart,nice,funny girl.I have known my friend about 5 years and so know this girl the same length of time.But I don't really see her very often.I remember the first time I was introduced to her.All I could think was wow this girl is hot!!

I pretty much only see her from time to time,but I got to see her the other night and now I seriously cannot stop thinking about her.I just cannot sum up how incredible this girl is!I probably sound really pathetic but I just has to throw it out there.Also she is straighty mc straight so there is no hope.But fuck it I want her!!!!!!!!!!

Quite hungover today I am.But it was an awesome night!!I've been having a great time the past while.Long may it continue.Good times people good times.

Did you ever just feel really strange and not like yourself??I have been feeling like that this week.I must admit I have had to question my sanity.

Grr.. I am in a very cranky mood today.I don't even know why!It's my day off work,but I haven't really known what to do with myself.I slept in later than I intended.But then I had nothing planned anyways.So I got up had a bath,got dressed,practiced guitar/watched tv.

Then one of my friends text me and I found myself being so short and cranky with her.She is a good friend and we get along great,but she kept talking about bands and tv shows that I have no interest in and just didn't have the patience to listen to today.Normally I do because it's nice to take an interest in things other people like.But generally if I am talking about something she doesn't care about she will tell me.So I guess I was just returning the favour.

In other news I wish I could be a singer.Or perhaps in a boyband(I'm a girl)but since I was little I wanted to be in a boyband.Strange I know lol.I think I'd like to be in any band though really.Just to perform.I really need to get the finger out and start working towards that.

Anyways I'll end my cranky little journal here.Hope you all are having a nicer day =]

I can't stop listening to that song "I don't want to talk about it".I don't know why.I found it on youtube the other night and have had it stuck in my head ever since.

Well I went back to work today after having roughly 5 weeks off.It was kind of strange to be back...but also after a couple of hours it felt like I hadn't even been away.It felt nice that people noticed I was gone and were all like "oh yay you're back!".I think I have probably mentioned this before,but I am always so suprised when people like me.I know that may seem strange...or maybe other people feel this too???

I think I'm usually suprised because I was so painfully shy growing up that I never really had many friends and the other kids at school were mean.So now in my less shy adult life it is always strange to have people not hate me,and probably like me for the stuff that got me picked on as a kid.

Anyway I don't really know why I initially began writing this.I didn't start out with the intention of what I wrote.I think I just felt like writing.I'm going to stop now.Bye.

Well it has been about a month since I've wrote a journal entry or even been on here infact.I travelled to Australia for the month and it wasn't really possible for me to come on here for various reasons.It was a good time though to just take a break from everything I usually do.It was really a month where I could freeze out everyone in my life, and take some time and space for just me and sorting my head out.

It was an excellent experience,and now I am home I am trying not to fall into the same old pattern of life I was in before.Being away gave me a chance to look at the world from a different angle.I just feel better about things.Though I am afraid that after being home for a few days being surrounded by the same old people is going to bring on the same old pattern of behaviour for me.On the other hand I am also quiet determind not to let that happen.

I promised myself before I went away that when I came back that I would get my gay ass out of the closet completly(I know this has been a re-accuring topic for about two years)but this time I am going for it.The thing is for me, and ,maybe everyone else,it is not just a case of saying I'm gay and that just being it.I think it is a gradual thing.Like I need to make some changes in my life and start getting out there too.Simply just saying I'm gay isn't enough.I need to live it too,if that makes sense?Like right now I live as a straight person completly.Almost all my friends are straight, we go to straight bars etc...

Anyway I think thats enough from me on my first journal back.Jet lag is starting to catch me.

Well holy fuckballs people I actually passed my exams.I made a journal a few weeks ago where I was having a mad freak out because they were all pretty much falling apart or so I thought anyways.So yay! Summer continues to be not so bad!

This will probably be the last journal I write before going on holidays for a month.Woo'hoo!!Though I don't leave for another four days,so I might have something significant to write about before then.Though to be fair I don't really have that much significant stuff to write about right now.Just home alone with some period pain and decided to come online.

So hmm,whats been going on with me then?Well I must say I have been enjoying the first few weeks of my summer break.I've been working a little bit and on the days that I haven't been working I've been hanging out with various friends.I've been to a couple of concerts and seen a lot of movies and done some shopping.Basically at the start of the summer I decided that this one would be different.That I would make sure I enjoyed it and made an effort to make sure I did.So it's all going fairly well so far.

I still have the whole coming-out thing hanging over me for when I get back from my travles.But I'm not dreading it as much anymore.My friend asked me the other day how exactly I planned to approach it.Like yeah I say I will come-out,but have I thought logically how I am going to do that.To be honest I'm not 100 per cent sure really.I don't want to make it a huge event.I think I'll just let it be a gradual thing.I would like to hang out more on the gay scene and I have friends who really want to help me and want to do that too.Also just hiding less things really.Well I've already started that a little bit.I changed some stuff around on my bebo page to provide some little hints,and I have left some messages on my page from gay friends about some gay events that previously I would have really freaked out about being there.The steps are little but feel good.

I'm not sure what else I have to write about now.I've also been practicing guitar loads and can really feel myself improving at that which makes me really happy.I guess making a consious decision to really go for some happiness and what I want has been paying off.Believe you can do anything and you can I guess(damn that is cheesy!!).

Anyways I hope all your Summer's are going nicely.Catch ya laterz.

I've just been reading back over my old journal entries from the past two years.It is good to be able to look back over where I was and where I am now.The last journal I made I must admit was on a pretty low note,but I feel a lot better today.My new mantra/motto,whatever you want to call it,is going to be that life is to be enjoyed.After all we should be here for a good time since we aren't here for a long time.I know that may sound all cliched but it is the truth.

I was about to write a journal about how messed-up,confused,closeted, and self-loathing I am.But I realised I have probably wrote that journal before.I somehow seem to keep re-writing it.I know I need change,I have said it before.But right now I just don't even know who or what I want to change.

I was at work today,tidying some clothes,folding some trousers to be precise,and I realised how much of a hypocrite I probably am.One of the guys is a mean guy.He is a racist,homophobic...blah blah blah.But for some reason I like him.I find him funny.I'm not attracted to him.But I want him to like me.He isn't particularly pleasant to most people,but for some reason he always talks to me.Has a joke with me.I seem to be one of his people.I like that.I like that I am a little bit in with him.I'm not his best friend or anything but I get a hell of a lot more from him than a lot of other people.

But how exactly did I come to be in with this mean guy?By not being myself that is how.I mostly stay quiet in work.I laugh at his jokes and I generally pretend to be something I am not.I do this with everyone though.I be who they want me to be.I am everyones friend.But I know this is going to get me into trouble because you can't please everyone,can you?You can't be everyones friend when everyone hates everyone now can you?

I seem to just have this need for peoples approval.I am always so concerned with what other people think of me.A friend pointed this out to me and I realised just how true it is.I think this journal has turned into yet another re-run of something I have already written so many times before,so I should probably stop.But there is still so much more to write that is running through my head,and disturbing my sleep.

So I will move onto the big issue of the evening.One of my friends finally dragged me on what was meant to be a night out with her her boyfriend and his friend.As much as she denies it,this was a set up for me and his friend to hook up.I went along because I had run out of ways to get out of it.The night turned into a disaster because the club we were going to was too full and refused us. But as we walked around looking for a way to get home,I wondered what I would have done if it hadn't all fallen apart.I wanted myself to like him,I really did.I found myself thinking..maybe I could get to like him.Maybe I just haven't given this a chance.Maybe if I get drunk enough this could work out.Even as I type this I know how ridiculus my thoughts sound.

Then there was the other half of me screaming wtf are you doing??A couple of weeks ago you were running along to lgbt clubs and being ecstatic to have joined them.But the thing is I wanted to like him.I wanted to be what my friend wanted of me.I want to be who everyone thinks I am.But I want to be myself.But I have lost myself,in far too much confusion.

I feel sad today.It's that sadness that usually lurks around but on busy days I can ignore it and push it away for a while.Well today wasn't a busy day.It's that sad feeling of I wish I didn't make my life the way it is now.I wish I had more friends,I wish I was out of the closet,I wish I had a girlfriend,I wish I didn't regret so many of the choices I have made mostly in the past five years.

I am going away soon for an entire month.Half way across the world infact.I would like a fresh start when I am back.A chance to do things differently.I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me what an experience it is to go travel away from home for a while.I hope she is right.I know in order for things to be different I have to change.I think I am more scared of myself doing nothing to change my current unhappiness than the moves I know I must make to change my situation and my life.