I'm kind of loving life today. Haha. I got up before noon for the first time in a while, which makes me REALLY happy; when I sleep too late I end up grumpy all day. I got dressed and drove to synagogue with my mom and my sister (yes! I drove! I'm so proud) and my sister and I sang in the choir, and that always just makes me feel awesome. Like, the music, the time to think. I'm not religious, I don't believe in god, but I always find myself praying on Saturday mornings. Praying smiles for my friends and the people I love, praying strength for the people I know are having a hard time, thanking the world for giving me my voice and my love and my ability to help people out.

Then I drove home (I drove!) and checked my email, ate a fabulous lunch, went roller skating around the neighborhood in the nice crisp cold delicious air, talked to a friend I've sort of fallen out of touch with on AIM, listened to some shiny new music. I have an hour before my dad gets home- when he does we're going to practice driving and go to Circuit City to buy gamecube controllers. Until her gets here I'll do some math homework, maybe practice piano or work on the poems I want to perform Tuesday at open mic in Newark.

I just feel good. Why shouldn't I? I have things to do, a strong body, food to eat, music to learn, art that I love, a community, a family, people to care about...

...score.

I am on SUCH a Firefly/Serenity kick.
Which is getting me MAD excited for dollhouse. (( www.dollverse.com ))
Though I read the first episode isn't exactly fantastic. =(

In other news, I spent New Year's with Kat and two other friends, watching Firefly ((of course)) and eating rainbow-colored snacks. Bonnie ((One of the other friends)) got a Wii, so I inherited her Gamecube. Unfortunately, I didn't inherit any games, controllers, or even a memory card. But its a start.

Then on New Year's day, Kat came back to my house. We... ((visualize air quotes)) "chilled". It actually wasn't very exciting, we were both really tired and pretty much we both fell asleep halfway through xDD and then when her dad came to pick her up, my dad had to come throw shit at us to wake us up. ((I'm REALLY glad my dad didn't let HER dad come up, seeing as she's not out to him and he's like, a conservative republican.))

And today I got a message on facebook from Lemur ((not his real name)), who asked Kat out right before we got back together. He's depressed. He hooked up with some freshman as a rebound. So I sent him a nice friendly message telling him nice things.

Things to do: Practice piano, buy a new cymbal stand, buy a memory card and some games, write and essay, do my math homework, call my friend Em so we can practice for the school talent show. Lookin' good.

As my title implies... I'm suddenly EXTREMELY campsick. I'm not sure why- I hung out with a few people from camp the other day, nothing's that different from usual, I'm pretty damn happy with my life.

but FUCK. I miss it. I miss seeing the sun rise over the lake and I miss the giant hill from my cabin to the Farmhouse. I miss the cows and the chickens. I miss the giant dish sanitizer and the way after I finished dish duty, I would go out onto the lawn and hear people singing with acoustic guitars. I miss how when I got overwhelmed or sad I could climb the maple tree and hide for an hour or two.

I miss how close I was with everyone there. So FUCKING close. Like they were my brothers and sisters and the 8 weeks I spent with them meant more than the 15 years I've known some other people in my life.

I could cry in front of these people. All of them. I did, once, I had an emotional breakdown in front of the whole camp and afterwards when they reached out to hug me, even though I hit them because I hated that they showed sympathy, the next day they didn't think any less of me. I just trusted them more.

I miss skinny dipping and naked shower parties. I miss being in a place where a body is a body and everyone has one so there's nothing to be ashamed of, and if you ever were ashamed you don't have to be, not ever again, because nobody has any reason to make fun of you. Because you're beautiful. Everyone is.

I miss the air. How clean it was. How green the trees were and how clean the water was. The food. We grew it ourselves. How good it felt in my body because it was so natural, just made of sun and earth and water and love.

They'll send out Appreciations soon, which should make me feel better. Near the end of the summer, they put 80 big manilla envelopes on the wall, one for each person there. You wrote down what you loved and appreciated about a person and then put in in their envelopes. I can't wait to get mine. It'll be filled with everyone's memories and all the great things I did with everyone, the ways I got close to them.

...but until then, my girlfriend's coming over in like 45 minutes. So that should also make me feel better.

So I buried Spike (my hamster) today. Just a little private service. I asked the Big Lesbian Goddess Who Doesn't Really Exist to please help him find his way to little hamster heaven, and thanked her for all the fuzzy beings, big and small, who make our world such a beautiful place to live in. So now I feel better about that.

In other news, last week I was at my cousin's in New Hampshire. It was good times. They're two little boys, 6th and 8th grade, who just recently hit that point where I can hang out with them like they're normal human beings. We played Rock Band for HOURS on end. It was mad fun.

And now I'm home. Tomorrow is New Year's and Kat (who is now my girlfriend again, but we haven't actually seen each other since we got back together) is coming over around two, and then we're going to my friend Bonnie's house at 6. Me and Kat and Bonnie and Annie will spend the evening (and night, and morning) watching Firefly and Serenity, eating rainbow colored snacks and generally having a fun time.

And I've got a nice list of things to do tonight to keep me busy- just basic stuff. Practice piano (I haven't practiced in SOOO long), write an essay for school, clean out Spike's old cage.

I need to get pretty good grades this marking period (sorry, I'm just zoning about my life right now) because I want to spend the second semester of Junior year in Israel. There's a really neat program that's like a high school in Israel, on a kibbutz... it seems just like the sort of thing I need. It's so comforting to know that at this time next year, I'll be GONE. Not that I don't like where I live, its just... I need a change. Majorly.

Still, there's a long time 'till then. I still have the rest of the school year, then a summer at camp... lots of good stuff.

On an entirely different note, I'm thinking about changing my username. whateversexual_llama just doesn't feel like me anymore. I'm thinking:

LetThereBeLight
gailynews ((Just a joke about old times...I wonder if anyone here remembers when I wrote those.))
RainbowGoldfish
DYKEonAsandwich
Hildegard

anything sound fantastic to you guys?

my hamster died.

he was a chinese dwarf hamster named Spike.

He only had one testicle.

He was a year and a half old.

... I'm sad.

she likes me. she said she misses me a fucking lot and she wants to be with me again to. I told her I won't ever do anything that stupid again. She said it's okay.

I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY. I think I'm gonna explode.

cuz it means I get Chinese food. and then i get to see a movie. Me and my sister are gonna see "Milk." My parents already saw (and loved) it. I'm not really that excited to see it though. Not sure why. I'll probably like it anyway.

In other news, remember how I dumped Kat? Well, I asked her back out again. I know, I'm insane. I guess I was just all screwed up over Maria and I don't even know what else, but the end of the story is I started missing Kat and really wanting to be with her again. The unfortunate thing is in the month between me dumping her and me asking her out, 3 other people asked her out. She said no to two, so now it's between me and this guy Abe, which makes me sad because Abe really likes her, and I'm also pretty good friends with Abe. Still, being with Kat is kind of taking priority.

So then, in a facebook status, Kat said she'd "Figured it out. Maybe." I wrote back just saying "orly?" and she said "maybe." and I said "maybe to figuring it out or maybe to me?"

In short, things are rather up in the air right now.

Edit// she said "maybe to figured out." *shrug* //Edit

On another note, I'm listening to Apocalyptica. Which is pretty much amazing. Like, instrumental cello metal? HELL. YES.

And on ANOTHER -nother note, I'm going up to New Hampshire tomorrow for over christmas. Family time. I don't mind. My family is only a little bit dysfunctional, but still fun.

And i guess that's all.

sort of like how this entry is empty of content.

If I asked you, at nine o'clock at night, to give me a ride to the grocery store so we could buy all of the kinds of fruit that we don't know what they taste like, would you say no?

I doubt it.

So WHY will nobody in this house do ANYTHING interesting?

Let's go rent "Finding Nemo"
or print out guitar chords
or draw stick figure comics
or have a random dance party
or eat ice cream on the roof in winter while wearing a bikini
or drink applesauce out of a wine glass through a curly straw.

And so I am destined to live out the rest of my life playing with toys from when ten seemed like a big age to turn, listening to "Rise Against" on my iPod loud enough not to hear anybody else, and craving banana cream pie.

I can't wait 'till I can drive myself to the grocery store to buy fruit.

Pretty people are pretty.

Especially when you know exactly where they sit at lunch,
And when you know exactly how to be standing behind them in the lunch line.

Pretty people are pretty when they know your name, play Tegan and Sara on the acoustic guitar, and like your rainbow "Got Pride?" hat.

Pretty people are pretty when they also made it into the talent show, so you can hope hope hope to talk to them during the tech rehearsal.

You know a pretty person is pretty when you start feeling like a stalker.

The Man on Mother Moon is in love.
Mother Moon's Man is in love with the drag queen in the world.
Mother moon is in love with the girl in the world.
Mother moon is in love with Adam,
She's making Steve jealous.
Venus is the goddess of love but only
When she shines across the horizon from Mister Mars.
Apollo only shines so bright because he knows
Icarus is watching.
Icarus is in love with Apollo on his chariot
And that's why he flew too close to the sun.

See, I'm only in sixth grade, and I outran all the boys at recess today,
And it wasn't because I'm bigger and stronger
It was because I was chasing the bows in your hair.

See, I learned this song when I was little.
The cheese makes the mice go round,
The mice make the cats go round,
The cats make the dogs go round,
The dogs make the kids go round,
The kids make the love go round,
And love makes the world go round.

Love makes the world spin
And spin and spin and spin,
She's twirling her skirts hoping Venus will bat her eyelashes
And we're all getting dizzy.
So now that the ground and the sky are melting into each other,
I'm starting to understand
It's not love. It's not love it's everything.
See if you listen real close to that song, it makes perfect sense.
Cheese and mice and cats-
They all make the world go round.

So let me summarize, because they say I talk too much.
The solar system is in love and that's why it's spinning,
And if you fall too hard into the sun and get burned,
It's because it's really big.
Mother moon floats in love because
She doesn't have so much gravitational pull.

But what I'm really trying to say is this.
The man in the moon is smiling because
he's in love with the girl in the world.
I am smiling because I am in love with you.

Today was a baking day. I made some bread dough and let it rise while I sang at synagogue... it was my first attempt at bread and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a failure. Plans for the future include using a recipe that doesn't call for whole wheat flour and feeding the yeast a little sugar before I use it.

Anyway, then I came home and ate lunch, punched down the dough and left it to rise again. Once my mom and sister left to go watch the Nutcracker, I started this chocolate cake that I'm making for a dinner with some friends of the family.

As I was getting completely and utterly covered in chocolate, I was thinking about my bakery future.

Wednesday will be Kids' Day at Cozy Lodge. Ages 5 to 12. From 4 to 5, ages 5 through 8 will get to decorate, mix, etc, then from five to six the 9-12 year olds will have ventures in slightly more complex baking fun- cakes, maybe pie, I don't know. Fifteen dollars per kid is the going rate, I think.

I just think it'd be a great activity to send you kid off to, y'know? And I love little kids. So Wednesday will be Kid's Day.

Baking definitely makes my problems less problematic. That's why I want to bake when I grow up- all day, every day. It's like my passion or something.

In conclusion... I have to get cakes out of the oven now.

I feel like I haven't posted in a WHILE... so my life.

My mom teaches at a Jewish elementary school. They're getting their Hanukkah play ((Hershel And the Hanukkah Goblins)) all ready for the 18th. I'm playing piano- accompaniment for "Light one Candle," "Mi Yimalell" and the like, along with cues... chords for when the goblins enter, notes for when the mice scurry. The fun part is I get to miss last period at MY school for like, 5 days in a row, AND I'm going on a field trip with the school because the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades are going to see "The Tale of Desperaux." =] I love being in elementary school all over again.

IN other news, this dude Abe is now pursuing Kat, my ex since like, a week and a half ago. I told him it was fine. It IS fine. It's not like I still want to be with Kat... I just miss wanting to be with her.

And along with that, I REALLY FUCKING MISS MARIA. But I'm not calling her, not after the bitch stuff she said to me, not after the way she disappointed me.

Which reminds me, on Tuesday, I went to this slam poetry group thing and did an open mic for the first time. It was SO FUCKING SCARY!!!!! But I think my poem went okay. I'm DEFINITELY going back on future Tuesdays. I have to memorize another poem!

So that's a brief glance into the madness that is My Life. The end.

So last night I was home by myself and I ordered pineapple pepperoni pizza and watched Pan's Labyrinth. It was nice, and also rather In-Spanish. I liked the movie... anybody here seen it? I was like, totally attached to it the whole way through; I was loving it, and then at the end i was like "Wait, what?"

In other news, I think I'm gonna learn to make bread. I bought yeast and bread flour, now I Just need the time.

See, when I grow up I'm gonna own a bakery. It'll be either in a town outside of Burlington or Boston, or one of those neighborhoods on the outskirts of Manhattan, or maybe in San Fransisco. It's going to be called Cozy Lodge. It will be blue on the outside and filled with local art and music on the inside. There will be open mic on Fridays. I will have a very large dog who chills in front of the counter, and dogs in general will be allowed. I will live in a small apartment on top of my bakery and get up at 4 to start baking. People can come in for a muffin or fresh-from-the-oven bread and a cup of coffee from their dog walks. I will wear a bandanna. There will be regulars who I know by name, and tourists with multi-colored hair trying to feel avent-garde, however you spell that. You can pre-order cakes or pies if you have an event, but mostly I sell cupcakes, muffins, scones, fresh bread.

It will be awesome. =]

I was really really excited about where I was going. I thought I'd made the right choice. Maria and her boyfriend had broken up. She was going to come to camp. I was going to see her over New Year's. I didn't feel the same way about Kat anymore, and I was starting to believe that it was because of Maria. I think it was. I can't believe I dumped Kat for Maria.

And just when everything is going great, it all turns around and goes to hell. When Willow and Tara finally get back together, as soon as you're willing to believe they'll be okay, Tara gets shot. That's my life.

Maria called last night. She's not coming to camp. I'm not going to Vermont for winter break. She didn't actually thing we'd ever be a thing that could work. We just- I quote- "Had crushes on each other when we were fourteen and have had some good conversations."

Fuck.

Every time she said something like "Oh, you're just so madly in love with me," and I laughed and agreed- did she think I was just joking around? Did she just forget about when I was upset about Kat and she said "I just want to make you happy. What do you want me to do?" and I said "Come to Delaware." and she said "I want to so bad."

She was poking fun at me when I was having a shitty day and I finally said "I'm really NOT in the mood for that crap, Maria," and she said "Sorry. You know I Love you" and I nearly started crying.

I did cry last night. After we hung up. I fucking sobbed. I don't cry, not ever. In the past two years, I have cried three times. Two of those times it was over Maria.

But evidentally it was just a silly flirty friendship thing?

The sad thing is I got so wrapped up in the idea of this that I stopped giving a shit about Kat. Stuff was so great with her. I thought it I went all in, but all my money on Maria, I'd get something out of it. And now I'm walking out of the casino broke.

The house always wins, I guess.