I haven't written on here in AGES, so sue me!

Alright, current dilemma before future or previous updates on my life get to occurring:

I just found out that I'll have a nice-looking, presumably intelligent gay male from the States rooming down the hall from me when I move into residence before September 1st for the start of my fun university career.

WTF do I do? Ok, much more positive than negative, clearly, but over the last month (or months, I didn't check exactly how long it's been since I last wrote here), I've definitely maintained the ever lovey-dovey dream of having a boyfriend.

Oh, and within the last while I've had some nice dodgey experience with male sexual behaviour... ala clubbing and kissing and more and then sloppy BJs and my being nervous but content but never finishing any deeds with anyone and inside knowing I don't want that, I want a RELATIONSHIP (with someone who will do that stuff with me maybe, but someone I can cuddle with predominantly more than anything at this point).

Well I guess that's an update right there, but anyway, wondering how to approach this when I move in. I'm guessing he'll be there during my move-in, and we'll be going through frosh together at least at some point, but I'm still closeted, and even though that'd be easy enough to NOT be at my university, I'm still ehhhhh over the whole thing. This guy seems like fun options for:
-gay buddy/friend to talk to/club with/become best friends with
-eternally crushing on
-aiming to be boyfriends with

Sure things always start off similarly, but ahhhh wouldn't it be weird as hell to have a virtual roomate being a boyfriend?! And even if it wouldn't be as a boyfriend, I'm nervous about this whole thing since he IS out and I'm NOT and I'm wondering how the fuck to approach everything and not seem like a closet case (haha) and/or too inexperienced.

Sooo excited, but also nervous and we have 6+ months to live together, so actually relationship seems even more odd now, but still I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do and think. And we're already friends on Facebook. Hah.

Don't look at the tags or you'll spoil the entry. Honestly.

I realize I sort of implied in my last entry from ages ago that I'd continue with my theatre date with Lovelyboy, and I did try a bit here and there, but I might as well make a long story shorter and skip that continuation (as much fun as it was).

Actually checking back, I wrote that last piece on April 13, and it's June 14, so essentially two months later finds you here reading my words. Ugh, I haven't had time to read much of anything, I'm still reading through The Scarlet Letter and have been for quite too long and all in all feel like everything winding down has turned into a degrading vocabulary!

Anyway, my movie date with Lovelyboy went well of course, and although things were limited, it was definitely the most fun I've ever had at the movies with a male. April passed by in its way, I was kept busy with lots of work and Lovelyboy and I talked a bit via e-mail and over the phone.

Months ago I got into every Canadian university I applied for, and by the end of April I had received replies from my internationals (yay for acceptances). Lovelyboy isn't a slacker by any means, and sure isn't a dumby (aside from whatever made him lust after me, that is), so he had gotten into everything he applied for, although that was restricted to just Ontario and one school in Quebec. Ontario and Quebec are Canadian provinces, so go look them up if you're clueless as to what they are!

The thing is, it took until April for the most selective and at the time his most sought-after program in ON to get back to him. More on that later though.

I shared this with some would-be readers in PMs, but probably since this year began (wooo, January sure was a long time ago!), I know I've had some reservations about how far to take the relationship with Lovelyboy, and I've questioned wtf we'll do if we both go to university far away, especially if we're in big/good/gay-happy cities.

Sorry, can't cut the doom and gloom just yet. I had things narrowed down to three schools by the end of April, and I must've at least put this in a journal before, the schools are situated in Vancouver, Montreal and the third choice was Toronto, in large part because Lovelyboy's program wound up being there and in some of our April chitchat he made it sound more appealing, not just because he'd probably be there.

Alright, boredom slashed, here comes excitement:

I got to do a multi-night away trip in May for an extracurricular, and luck had it that I'd be in Toronto! Well duh, Lovelyboy engineered an excuse to come down too that same weekend!

I was actually thinking hard about posting something here then, asking if anyone would want to meet up there, or if you/they knew any good gay clubs in the city. My mind shoves mischief in whenever it can, and of course I figured it would be fun and a worthwhile experience to go to my first gay club that weekend, and then go to the same place the next night with Lovelyboy.

It took so much mind-wracking when it came down to actually going, since my excursion had me placed with other kids from my school and lots of other teens. I was thinking so much about wtf would happen if my school/family found out, where exactly to go (I'd done some online looking and printed off a few locations though), the idea of being raped, getting stuck in the city, pick-pocketed, all sorts of worries. I actually came out to someone new and random because my goddamn female school friend and confidante had apparently changed her cell # and in my desperation of calling for advice, I got a stupid automated message and for whatever reason, I didn't call Lovelyboy and a lot of that was because I wanted to surprise him the next night by going there together, or at least telling him about it.

So anyway, I came out to a random person I'd always thought was gay, he didn't clarify ANYTHING for me, but suggested I go and have fun and told me he'd never been where I was asking about, and in the end I got a taxi and hopped in and headed off to gay Toronto's core. Haha, I wound up taking more than an hour to find a club I was brave enough to enter, and I felt so weird but so charged when I finally got to the Church Street area and asking some gay guys for directions/advice I got rewarded and felt soooooo good and oddly loved and safe.

See? I'm describing like a monkey here since my literary senses have been STARVED for the past month+! Anyway, I did visit a club for the first time, I did get touched by boys in there, and I did have a little fun, but felt out of place way more and even though I had nothing to worry about, I still sort of wonder wtf I was thinking. It was worth it for the experience at least, I didn't really wind up doing anything, except lose some money (I literally left behind 90% of a vodka shot I ordered for the sake of it, and I wasn't in this club very long so the cover was a waste haha) - I spent most of the night observing and I suppose being exposed to what all of us closeted gay boys must imagine being a hop skip and jump away in the big city (or another country).

So here comes the next day: Lovelyboy and I agreed to meet at a certain well-established and starry-named coffee chain that obviously has a store in downtown Toronto. I get there first and I'm not in clubwear or anything for our planned excursion, but I'm still looking good in some never before worn items and it was a perfectly warm weekend. Lovelyboy comes in, hearts melt, we do our public-eyes-watching greeting and relax more than ever before on this idea of a date when we see an obviously gay pair of businessmen walk in and order something - yay for Toronto!

Even though the place is busy (although nothing close to what it could be), Lovelyboy and I get to talking about some homosexual stuff as usual. Now back to Lovelyboy's university stuff. Duh, he was accepted! So you're probably clapping right now, I know I was, and I was sooo ecstatic when he told me, and it was amazing hearing that happiness in his voice, and I knew he'd pretty much be headed there for school next year. I feel my writing being disjointed right now, but I'm sort of going over dreary things in my mind in a way, but let's roll on.

So I actually hugged him and he pecked me on the cheek and we did get a look from a 20something lady but she was just surprised and no one else cared and that made everything feel all the better. It didn't take much before the smart pair of Lovelyboy+Disney pursued the topic of the future though. I even got moronic and mentioned my going to a club the night before and wanting to take him, and that actually made things worse. Ick, I'm going about telling this the right way - basically, after sharing his university news, he asked me where I was thinking of going, most probably expecting me to say my Toronto university, which was the last of my three narrowed options.

I laughed and told him I was still unsure and he painted me a picture of amazing Toronto university life again, this time being daring and putting his hand on my side as we sat and had our drinks (neither of us are coffee drinkers though, so holler) and wannabe pastries and commenting on how we could probably just make out then and there and no one would bat an eye! I had to laugh at that, and he gave me a devilish smirk which is just beating at my heart right now as I remember it, and we fake glanced around us and jokingly moved to make out and then just laughed and laughed some more.

For some people, post-secondary choice isn't much, for others it's more life or death than anything they've ever dealt with. I could outline where it was and is for Lovelyboy and I, but I've obviously already slammed the door on making this long story shorter, so I'll save that for some future reflection too.

Suffice to say, we didn't have a fight, but we had more of an argument than a debate, and I wound up eliminating Vancouver from my choices for university life as we both slammed things there a bit (Lovelyboy gallantly tore down the picturesque ideas of BC and replaced them with crack-addict vagrants and rain for me). My school in Montreal vs. my school in Toronto proved more challenging though. Like I said, not a fight, but more than a debate by far.

I think maybe we were both waiting for it, or since things had been going so well (as limited and semi-distant as they were) it just had to happen, but I know that being ambitious and having success = passing up 18 year old hardcore crushes and getting away from the GTA (that's Greater Toronto Area - look it up too!) and trying for what'll help me most later on in life. There was one point though in the talking (if you can call it that) where I would've looooved to have grabbed him by the head and just kissed him passionately and diffused everything and then done what happened shortly thereafter out of consequence.

So you saw this coming, maybe not before this entry, but up to this point probably - Lovelyboy and I decided to call it quits that evening. It was heated at first, but we did calm down and we did talk sensibly and we thought about it more, but we both wound up expressing what we wanted and how awesome this was but he then told me how much he'd hate for me to hold back my dreams and I honestly didn't have something quite that good to say but basically iterated how I'd be a burden on him in Toronto and he's got so much to attract whoever he wants and I'm just a first timer for him and we wound up agreeing with: Who knows?

Because really, who does? We discussed sticking through with it even more long distance, and even with his blessed-good geography skills, when I confirmed it'd be 5+ hours of movement from Montreal to Toronto to see him or vice versa (that's going from Toronto to Montreal smarty) he sighed.

It was such a long sit-down and talk and it felt so real and it almost felt like a stepping stone FOR the relationship, and we'll still be connected/have a friendship, but what I really mean is that it felt like something which would've really enhanced our relationship, having gone through this whole hashing out of feelings and thoughts and just sitting with one another for 4+ hours like we did.

Lovelyboy even brought me another first like that - first time I've been in a coffee shop for more than 3 hours!

That all happened more than a full month ago, and there's more to it besides, and we did try talking about other stuff following the basic break-up decision, but it was a little weird and we both wound up being teary-eyed! Again, it made our relationship seem even more tangible and sometimes I hate distances and transportation so much. I know it wouldn't happen for decades, but what would've happened if we had just been 2 hours away? Well I know not to dwell, and since that evening everything has sort of settled, although I've read that longing swells 4 months after the death of a longed one so who knows - 3 months down the line if I don't have another boy to call Lovely, I might be collapsing on the inside.

It was really good for me to write this, I feel like I've done it more externally than ever before, which is strange and I think I dislike it quite a lot! It feels more robotic or something, hmm. I have to say it's probably a sign of my maturing, and I know beyond a doubt that Lovelyboy helped me to mature, as nuts and teenage-desire-infused as our outings (oh the irony) and talk may have been.

The above does a good job of flowing with my feelings about all this right now, I originally thought some of the lyrics said "I said I'm sorry" but apparently they don't! In any case, the video and the tones in the song just work.

I did actually choke up at one point writing this, I spoke to Lovelyboy in May and he had actually called, and there were a lot a lot of points after that evening I described where I wanted to call him or email him or drive to his home or something and change it all. He really called to see how I was going, and damn this sounds horrible, but I only blearily remember our first phone conversation, even though I bet I put down the gist of it in a journal here! Maybe that's my maturity showing too (a.k.a. old age hahaha), or somehow my mind wants to cover it up, but when he called I expected it to be just like our first phone conversation, probably because of so many movies where it's like that, but it wasn't. It wasn't too awkward or paused or sad or whatnot like that, he wanted to know how I was and asked if I'd made a university choice!

I knoooow! Even after all of our talking, I never actually told him for sure for sure for SURE that I'd be headed to Montreal, we basically just assigned our fates with that in mind. But I actually will be, and I actually had decided before he called last month, and it wasn't a challenge to accept their offer of admission, but it was a bit of a struggle to finally reject my offer from Toronto (where Lovelyboy's definitely going for his original #1 choice [and for those paying extra attention, Lovelyboy's Quebec choice really wasn't for him, he did it more for the sake of it, and it's not the same school as mine]). Our last convo wasn't too long, there was closure but I still have such a weird sense of so so so much being left unsaid, and I know we both want each other, haha, maybe that's part of why it's so strange, since I keep thinking of things he'd want to do or see or what he'd say and I just know we'd both be so happy seeing each other on a regular basis in fun Toronto while at university.

Ugh, again I'm nuts and dragging this out here, but there you go, that's what occurred. I don't long for that Lovelyboy exactly, I miss him, but I've also been wrapped in excitement for some travelling in summer and of course, (I can tell I've used 'of course,' a few times too many) starting university in Montreal!

I know I've mentioned Facebook a couple times at least, and probably Lovelyboy with some relation to it. He's had it since before we met, but we decided not to add one another just for the sake of being totally undercover coppers. I haven't added him yet even after our 'break-up' (It was one, but at the same time, it feels like it wasn't sometimes, especially when my mind makes me think of dating as equalling regular dates and some more intimacy) and he hasn't added me - that's something else I think I can still pull ESP on for his thoughts, in that he'd like to add me too, but neither of us will do it until we're ready.

Once again, I feel strange about all this. Oh, and after the coffee shop, we could've walked back to where I was staying, but for the weirdness and whatnot, and being on the same wavelength as usual, we fooled ourselves into saying that Lovelyboy should just wait there for his ride anyway and I walked back alone, which is interesting, since it's how I came to be there anyway. Ick, the lonesomeness of it all! I truly cannot wait to find someone to really be with, to lay my head down on if I'm feeling sad or to help out with whatever they need, whenever they need it. I'll be so happy to not have to really hide a relationship, since Montreal is way more liberal and a way bigger city than Lovelyboy or I have ever lived in for very long.

This really is sad, and I hope if you're reading this and longing someone too, that it works out, and I think this all did, I know that Lovelyboy will rock it out in Toronto, and as awkward as I am sometimes, I bet I'll find my way in Montreal as well. I know especially that we'll both start off our school terms more focused, and I somehow again know that neither of us will be picking up a new boy or real romantic interest for a few months, until summer's well over.

I keep mentally sighing over it. I hope that Lovelyboy and my relationship ending doesn't make anyone else overly sad out there, if anything I'd bank on the fact that your reading this and whatever progression of our relationship I've put down on this site helps you when you find your own person to be with, at least for the first time.

I have to say I'm not sure what I'd do if I saw him right now, or next week, or in two weeks. Maybe I'll know in 15 days (please tell me you got that), but I think there's also some good connection between ending this relationship now, right when our exams are coming (okay, maybe we'll both fail out of sadness, but maybe not) and our high school lives are on the verge of being over and done with.

I know what he's doing for some of the summer, but not for all of it, and not for the small portion that I'll be back home for. Since we're already a fair bit far apart and won't be in the same social groups anymore really, it doesn't seem like a problem (not that it would be - ick again, I think I'm being hard to follow here), but I have to wonder wtf it'd be like to go see a movie with him! I think it would be awkward, but we're both away for long portions of the summer, and hmm.

Lovelyboy is over, and I have so much ahead of me and so much to study for and so much to pack up and unpack and buy and get rid of.

I think to end I'll leave you with a fun fun song, Lovelyboy actually played it over the phone for me one evening (and as an f.y.i. neither of our parents were home so that's how wacky our chances to converse got, that we coordinated their absences practically) and I've heard it pretty often since then. The actual band's video sucks IMO and haha I don't like the look of the band at ALL, but this fan vid is entertaining and I can still recognize cuteness alright (at least in one of the guys)!

It rekindles my university excitement a bit, and applied to lots of fun with Lovelyboy too .

I'd go get a nice quote for you too, but now I'm feeling a tad drained, and the song is still catchy, but obviously bringing a touch of sadness, and hmm this has all actually put a damper on my university fun-seeking recently, but I've still got months before Montreal and YEARS to spend there, and haha, I'm a crazy gay teenager!

Thanks for reading, and I'm guessing that Lovelyboy is no more in earnest, but if I have another love interest I'll develop some other suitable adjective+noun combo, haha!

Oh boy.

Alright, this is from actual weeks upon weeks ago, but it’s worth getting out there and recounting some more of it made me feel very happy so hurrah:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So my mother is set to return tonight, many hours from now from a land far away, and a la fin de semaine Lovelyboy had decided it was do or die for us to meet sometime this week! Que heated conversation a la téléphone about how to do it.

Moi: Make my leap year and go see a movie with me?
Le seul Lovelyboy: No.
Moi: Please.
Lovelyboy: Alright.

Haha, it wasn't so simplistic, actually it was hours of talking and his parents were out when I called so that was coincidentally perfect and unplanned! By the time we were done having our like-drugged (I'd say love-drugged, but with him I know it will be even clearer when that other L Word applies, not that it feels far off) conversation, we'd arranged to meet Wednesday night for 7pm at his city's movie theatre!

So up until that night I had this running through my mind and miracle of miracles, I got what I wanted! Plus the video is cutesy too, and that's how we acted in and out!

I had to employ my magical (or potentially dangerous - actually I know I can drive just fine, I absolutely hate knowing so few directions though, a.k.a. I could be prone to getting lost easily) driving skills to get there, but when I did (after a maddening clothing debate), I was so excited and thrilled!

We went in to see Juno but decided to try hopping between theatres/movies after he smothered me in the trailers for Juno and I practically broke his hand and then we were off, off, off down the aisle!

I think the idea of going down the aisle with him is pretty funny, haha. I actually don’t want to imagine our families sitting down next to each other. Hmm, this month has made me feel even more disconnected from my family.

Thankfully (in my unbiased opinion), I grew up without having my parents home every night and when we were all together, it was almost always in a public setting where a reserved appearance mattered at least a bit. I feel so uninhibited right now, I can be honest that I love my family (well, my parents specifically = my family as I’m writing this, despite plenty of other relations) and they make my life so much easier and have taught me an incredible amount of things – but a lot of the time now, I’d feel 100% content to cut all ties with them and just receive financial parenting instead. I’m going to be glad for that come university, and I can stand everyone in my family, but I’d be so happy to be left alone and not feel embarrassed by them sometimes. My parents aren’t that embarrassing realistically, but I don’t care to have them around for my winning something or presenting something – just go away!

Well, the exact opposite holds true for Lovelyboy – just never leave! Never say never, eek; anyway, back to our steamy outing. I can imagine having fun helping him come out to his parents though, haha hmm!

So I have no idea what impelled me to break off our first movie theatre make-out fest, it was actually most likely nerves and not wanting to screw up or something! Plus, we’d talked about sneaking into movies before, so I had to initiate that for filing into our memory books!

I might as well recap from the get-go, we both arrived, and were both jittery and I would’ve longed to have held his hand walking into the movie theatre complex, but alas, suburbia = homophobia. We went in, got our tickets (I got them, he was going to get the edibles we would be getting after the movie [and hello people, popcorn/pop+kissing = eh, at least in my mind. And damn if you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your mouth, and ugh for popcorn breath, and ick for not wanting to be too loud for your date while munching – especially if you’ve got candy!]) and actually outside of [(Parenthesis Land)], I’ve always found the idea of going on a date and having someone else pay seem a slight bit awkward. Not that it doesn’t seem nice and pleasant and all, but I wouldn’t want there to be an extra charge on the bill, or a screw-up with a credit card, or them under tipping or having to pay for more than what they expected! I think I could laugh over something like that with Lovelyboy no problem, and we’re both financially secure right now, but I still wouldn’t want to be feeling bad for whatever reason!

So after tickets, we wandered into our movie, being a few minutes early and hunkered down in the lit theatre, at the back, with two movie magazines (in Canada, the land o’ plenty, most Cineplex corporations produce monthly magazines about movie things and you can pick them up when you go in or out of the place, and they’re not very thin either!) and started to talk about the magazine and then the interior of the theatre and then I got laughable on him and started saying we should be annoying during the movie for the other patrons (the theatre probably accommodated 350 and it had about 200 in it, and we were alone in the back row!). He replied in laughable kind, and then the lights dimmed, haha!

Well he put his hand on mine first, pretty soon after they dimmed, I know I would’ve done it anyway, since I swear to God (again, je ne crois pas!) hand-holding seems like a pinnacle of lovey-doveyness to me and so does having an arm looped under your significant other’s arm and his or hers looped under your other arm and ooooh so lovey-dovey I swear! The trailers were good, and we whispered a bit about stuff and it was nice, and then of course as they ended, he swooped in and planted one on my cheek and I reciprocated and we stopped and smiled at each other, then *I* used my brain cells and decided to kiss him instead of waiting, and he literally moved hyper fast to connect my lips with his and he did the most marvellous thing then, and that’s when I about broke his hand!

I lapped that up for a few seconds, and it was so wonderful, pretty much like a hit of some drug, if I knew any type that might relate (and yay, I don’t). Then we stopped and both pulled back, and he looked a bit dreamy (he always looks dreamy attractive, but I mean dreamy sleepy style here) and I probably looked insanely wide-eyed and breathless, and then he did what still seems really surprising, he laid his head on my shoulder, and haha, thankfully I was still dazed a bit and didn’t move much, or else I might’ve whacked him away or elbowed one of his gem-filled eyes out! So he just had his head there and we were holding hands, and it was a dark theatre, and Juno music was queing up and it felt absolutely right and for any Harry Potter readers out there, think back to the first one, and how Harry needs to find his happiest memory to make magic happen (oops, spoiler, shucks) – well I keep thinking back to that moment as being my happiest in life to date.

It really was and is too, which is neat, since it shatters hundreds of thousands of dollars across 17 years of being brought up by happy parents – yay for a cheap movie and a Lovelyboy!

I would’ve been fine with anything else that went on next, but then I somehow summoned up the willpower to kiss his juicy, mint-scented soft as butter and just as tasty lips. Okay, maybe not the best description, but I was caught up in the moment so it’s a little blurred. Of course, he kissed back and I didn’t fully crush his hand this time, but then my mind synched back and I remembered we had to go sneak into other theatres and somehow compelled myself to leave the seats blessed with the power to make/allow us get romantic and instead go run through a theatre, potentially be arrested, not see the movie we both more than partially wanted to, and not make out for a while again, if at all. Yes, that’s me, the academic lad.

I actually want to put this up right now, and I’ll finish more later, but the rest of our date rocked, the most horrible thing about it was the euphoria of it all and almost colliding with a few things after we parted ways and I drove home, but lots of fun before that, so yum, Lovelyboy, and ooh, neither of our hands got sweaty when we were hand holding, haha. That’s goofy to bring up (and the word goofy is the goofiest thing I may ever have heard too), but we’d talked about it and both of our palms sweat randomly, even though we don’t get very nervous, and throughout the whole date, which involved lots of glorious hand on hand action – no sweats, just unbeatable sensation.

And this totally works at about 35s on to 1:30 to get how I felt running out of Juno with him and how most of the rest of our time at the movies went, at least the part where she’s singing ‘A cause des garçons’. Not the dancing necessarily, but the vibe of the song, especially after 1 minute, I love it! The latter part je n’aime pas beaucoup, mais c’est tout a cause des garçons, non?!

P.S. I love being Canadian, and knowing some decent French and being able to at least go on a date with my Lovelyboy!

Merci merci!

Hey y'all, it's me.

Well that was a message I got a few days ago and it had the perfect southern accent and I accidentally deleted it before I could communicate it to more people!

Anyway, as per the title, Lovelyboy Blues!

I had another entry to put down here, complete with happy times and all (it's about a date we went on weeks ago) but alas, my mind can't get off this, and I have lots of assignments and actual studying to do for next week, most of which is boring boring boring but probably a bad idea to leave until next week!

So Lovelyboy and I have been on another date as I mentioned, and have been talking over the phone a bit, and actually exchanging e-mails, which is really nice since we both take more time with those, even though there haven't been that many. The thing is, it feels sort of tense between us, and the main reason is university worries!

Nope, thankfully we're both keen and got accepted places, he's been accepted where he wants to go in Ontario (that's a province in Canada [ahem - the BEST province in Canada] where we both currently live, and a province is basically a state for anyone who didn't get that in their education journeys - no 'ies' at the end of 'journ' there, I hate/love) and I'm happy for him and know he made the right choices with it and know he'd really enjoy himself where he plans to go. The thing is, last year I knew I didn't want to go to university so close to home, and with some reduced benefits, and it's been the same through to this year. I basically know if Europe isn't it, it'll be British Columbia ala Vancouver, or Quebec ala Montreal - both 5+ hours from his school.

Okay, okay, I harp, but think about it some more! We're two super studly, apparently decent students who also happen to be gay and from suburbs and families that are a far cry from pro-gay. So heading off to university is a Godsend! And we both obviously went for schools that are pro-gay, and in my case I knew I wanted an urban centre for opportunities' sake. Now everything's been wonderful up to this point with one another, but WTF are we supposed to do going to two different schools and being so happy for it, but still wanting to get a lot closer, and still liking each other in what's currently almost a long-distance relationship.

Exaggeration maybe, but we don't see each other more than a couple times a month, if that, and I'm fine with it, but I know I want more, I know I need to experience more, and I know I wish I could go dancing with Lovelyboy at a gay Montreal club. But I wouldn't want him to switch schools for me more than I would (I'm basically in a 70-30 mental divide), and neither he nor I would want to try applying so late to anywhere worth going.

I'm so muddled about this, I think not having written anything about him and I in a while has made it worse so shame on me for not journaling I suppose.

We have 3 months of school left, we both have summer plans, mine are still slightly unconfirmed, but I'd probably be home for all of August, and he'd be home for the beginning of July but away until the later part of August. I just want to go kiss him right now and I know I can't do it without fun hell happening, and I am so hateful of schoolwork now and just want to go throw myself into university activities and meeting new people and being out and proud and feeling fine about it.

We'll be doing stuff over the next couple of months, my birthday is coming up so that makes a) a good excuse to claim friends are taking me somewhere and b) fun fun times with Lovelyboy. But then for all of June we'll both be busy, and I think our summers will be almost entirely apart too.

We don't even talk about university now, we were a month ago but now it's a mix of emotions I know you can pick up on, and we're both psyched for post-secondary but it's pretty much all laid out here, we both want each other and things are alright as they are, but it would be brilliant if we were at the same school, or at least within 2 hours of each other. And then we both know what we've wanted in having more freedom and being out and being able to pursue exactly what we want out of school, and he knows and I know and we both know we know that we can both find a field of gay guys at our schools and maybe they won't work out, but it'd be holding our development (whatever that may be) back by not dating outside of what we have.

I feel a lot more alone at school now, I still have my chums but my female confidante is also plenty busy and I really dislike the majority of courses I have this semester, and I see people holding hands and kissing and just being explicit and I feel like: I NEED TO GO but also like: I have someone to do that with, we just *can't* in public, and hardly *can* in private.

I have so much to be happy for and feel great about, but there's these points of even wondering: 'Why do I want to subject myself to 3-4 definite years of school, some of which will be horrible pre-requisites for later education?' and 'Will I wind up feeling bad/lost/consumed/non-unique about choosing to go to an urban centre when I've never lived in one?'

I watched a gay film set in the UK and about teens and felt so jealous of them for a while after, it was a good movie but looking up the actors, I suddenly wished I had just pursued a real art like acting or dance or painting or sculpting, and done just fine or really well in that, and had a lot less to worry about, and met lots of gay-friendly people, and hardly had to study, just DO what I liked, and have more free time and ugh. Too idyllic, I realize, but I am jealous of pretty young actors who really can pursue that and to me it seems easy and now I'm just lost lost lost.

Not really, but I've got Lovelyboy Blues, and he's not done ANYTHING wrong, and I'm being a poster boy for high school grads most of the time but hating all of these redundant assignments (and I almost want to pursue a job leading to the Ministry of Education so I can goddamn phase out Calculus - which I know less than 10% of the population uses, and which is a sad requirement for post-secondary things... and I get the thought-processing and even endurance factor, but hate away) and wanting to figure out what Lovelyboy and I will actually DO, and so hating the wait for just leaving for university.

Thanks if you read, double thanks if you comment(ed).

So I just got back from this sketchy youth centre 'club' place in my city that I've heard of before, and been to and found decent in terms of interior and acoustics and staff... when there were under 20 people there including me. However, this time when I went, I realized once again what a sheltered life I have.

I'm glad to have money, but know that there are plenty of people who've got more than my family. I'm sympathetic to the impoverished and friendly to the less outgoing or less lucky people I meet, regardless of that lack of personality or appearance/clothing/whatever. I'm never too happy around someone who wasn't brought up DECENTLY though, and by decent I mean they know wtf please and thank-you mean. By 'decent', I mean they have a brain - they don't have to tax it, oh no, I'll leave my peers with simplicity and be ok, but no barging in or grappling people you don't know. And pet peeve - burping out loud in public. So many people at my school do it, and I find it d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g. I can understand if you're joking around or if you do it accidentally, but some people do it sporadically and don't utter an excuse me or anything similar. Well, alright, not everyone was brought up the same way, and things are just natural.

Whatever. So when I arrive at my youth centre land of discovery, I'm with people I know and engaging in what we were there for and everything's fine. Then, the *regulars* start filing in. Piercings, dyed black hair, greasy body, no bra on the girls... I can live with. Mixing all of those up and adding some REALLY bad attributes in terms of attitude though = not my type of person.

I don't even know! These Avril Lavigne-wannabe dirt poor, high-pitched voice Valley girl dumbass, WEIRD, unattractive girls appear and somehow one of them had left her coat behind myself and another person I knew. Well, what do you think this tart does? No, she doesn't whip out the F-bomb and startle my conservative ways - she charges through our grouping (basically 10 people being facilitated about some leadership items and staff people for the club/youth place writing the ideas down) and I guess my neurons were firing, because I saw her screwy posture and coat-searching eyes and asked if the one behind us was hers. "No, that's, like, umm... like, uh, , ya I think it's mine" titter, titter, she reaches and tries to get it, somehow she can't estimate distance though, and she literally almost tips over, she was at least 3 feet away from the mother fucking coat. Oh, and I may be in a swear-worthy mood now since every 16-19 year old in that place aside from the ones I already knew pretty much ran off whatever words they wanted.

Again, I don't even know. I'm pretty much not even up to describing it, but suffice to say I wound up interacting with people who I knew were poor, but who I didn't realize were drug addicts, violent, 50% stupider than I had believed possible, and genuinely WEIRD. And yet there were 50+ of them in this place and I could tell a few were gay or lesbian, and I was wondering why they weren't at HOME studying trying to develop a life through GPA power, or off working to buy some decent clothes... or off working on their hygiene.

I don't want to offend anyone on this site, and I really, really understand that some people's lives are difficult, and parents don't raise their children as well as society might hope - but WTF WTF WTF?! And being clean, at least decent-looking, posture-perfecting, adjective-producing, sociable ME, I get at least a dozen random people coming up to me - two girls even asked me to dance, and there's a DJ person in this place, the lights aren't blacked out or anything, it's not a REAL club, but the wackjob children are happy to hug each other and shake around and ugh I don't even know.

I interact mostly with people who can relate to me - who wouldn't? I interact with a lot of people who can't relate to me very well too - it happens. But I'm really wondering what I'll be doing in university since there'll be a bigger concentration of kids than I've ever been around regularly. If you're not getting my vibe, or somehow fall into more than a few of the categories I outlined above - let me ask you why I should be getting offered drugs in a city-staffed youth centre on a Tuesday night before 8:30pm when I'm there by request to contribute ideas about another city idea for youth?! Why is a braless girl with the fugliest hair I've ever seen (ugly, scraggly, greasy brown hair dyed cheap black only partway through is... fugly) shoved into me and then off squeezing a likely lesbian girl with short, stupidly-spiked (you must've seen someone who spiked their hair really badly before) dyed black hair, ugly ugly ugly cheap piercings (the piercings definitely cost more than the plastic stud things) and a tight, stained white shirt and completely worn out shoes and black jeans?

I think my imagery is lacking since I'm still WTFing over it all, but just imagine all the teens you wouldn't be hanging out with, who would definitely tolerate you and probably WANT to associate with you, and then ugly/cheapen/drug them up some more, lace them with failure and polarize them so they're extra attracted to you. Then multiply them by 40+ and imagine being in a sketchy youth centre/'club' run by your city.

Please do not let me be stuck on a floor with people like this. Please do not let me walk into gay clubs and encounter people who are gay, but so so so different from me that it's not SAD, it's just stupidity, and something THEY can change but choose not to.

And I'm all for personal style and being free, and even being a teen, but I basically saw something I wouldn't expect in my city for the most part, and in such a concentration, and trying to get close to ME so often.

Ugh and I'm already getting the creeping feeling of feeling like an ass for being a classist or something similar. Hooray for kids that you can not only tell will be failures, but are going to have kids because they can't help but have sex, and will make those kids be even more messed up, and the thing is - some of these kids were outgoing enough TO talk to me and other people, and some did have decent clothes but they still just flowed into this moronic little world of after school something.

!

So I am sitting here and have been basically trying to work on things (an assortment of fun March Break assignments to do, and a Monday and Tuesday test to consider studying for) but have that whole non-motivation piece revolving in my teenage mind.

Nope, not any loopy mantra about "Don't be motivated, it's not the teenage way" but just an unwillingness to do anything! I want to go dancing or watch a movie with Lovelyboy or really and truly just be off doing anything gay-associated in an urban centre.

I'm not even bored and I can acknowledge my lack of wanting to do anything, which should make me feel terrible, but nope, not much feeling coming through here! The exclamation point was pretty much placed of it's own accord, since I have loads to do and should actually apply effort to what I have to do in order to keep a good average for my nice university applications yet I'm not doing a THING.

Oh well, at least I know I've been like this before, and I know most of you here have too, but it's pretty damn inane. I can write up a lot more right now too, but I don't care to do so, ugh.

At any rate, tears are for fears and my lack of tears is a good thing then. Not that I have anything to cry about - except this stupidity that is my mind not being motivated to do a single thing.

And I have to edit this in, I'm so , the subject here = my birthday is in April, and I'll turn 18, which is nice in it's own ways, but woo a year after that I'll be 19 and a year after that I'll be outside of teenage angst world! Probably not.

And I'm not hardly tired either! I'll have something better for you next time I'm sure!

Well today I had some fun and some boredom and some wastes of time, but for the most part played around exuberantly!

I also watched two videos of myself, one was just me making a speech/commentary thing I had done months ago, the other was of me *today*, as a joke movie for something.

In the speech/commentary one, I sounded less coherent than I'd thought I was, haha, but everyone complimented me on the content. The thing was, hearing and seeing me, I thought I sounded so 90% GAY! From a forum topic started by the lovely apuffalogic over here a while ago (http://www.oasisjournals.com/2007/10/gayspeak), voila, gaybonics!

Anyway, I noticed that I also had a semi-gay seeming posture throughout my commentary, and my hand gestures didn't seem as fluid and nice as I had interpreted them (I thought they looked as fluid and nice as the ones everyone does on TV and some people do in the real world!), they weren't horrible but I honestly felt embarrassed of myself!

Then watching the second video play back, it was after playing around a while so I was a bit hyper happy and the way I sounded to myself was 100% gay, it didn't sound annoying or BAD or stupid or overly feminine or completely stereotypical, but I was surprised by just how gay I've grown to sound! I talked to some people about how different they sound to themselves when they see a recording and they all said they think they sound really different, and I agree with that - to my ears when I speak, I don't sound very gay and am quite happy with what I hear. But with what came through with the videos (especially the 2nd one) and apparently everyday speech, I sounded very gay.

I was surprised with the second video for sure and felt embarrassed again, I'm comfortable with myself but I guess it sort of struck me that if I heard that voice from another young male, I'd assume he was gay via gaydar magic... and honestly that's not something I want, although I do want to be all out one day, I don't want to be so identifiably GAY by my voice! And I was thinking of recording myself speaking in different ways, but that seems so stupid and sad, and then I'd be elevating/lowering my voice every time I spoke and it would be even sadder!

And added to that was my wondering: why do I think I don't seem gay, when some of my body language and my voice made it seem clear to me. Then I have to wonder, am I analyzing myself way more than any other person would, do I just have good gaydar, do the people around me actually not care, is something wrong with my hearing or theirs?

For reference, Lovelyboy sounds gayish to me, I think I sounded more gay from what I heard, but my voice didn't seem feminized to me per say, it just had emphasis and some garbled words and a timbre to it that made me say: Gay. After hearing Lovelyboy talk for a while, I think I'd know he was gay just from his voice, but ugh mine seemed so explicit to me! I don't really know, I suppose I am unhappy about it, I know I can't change it, but I still want to, and to me it almost seems like: what do people think in an interview with me? I'll listen to what anyone has to say and always consider the content, but first impressions do make a big impact and just lalala. It sounds radical but I keep thinking that 1 or 2 sessions with a speech therapist might set me for life in terms of how to sound more clear or even if I do keep what I perceive as a gay voice, then I can avoid some problems I heard with the quickness of my speech.

I really think I've always been liked and am amiable and people genuinely stop to listen to what I have to say, but now I have to wonder if half the time it might not be because of my voice, and if when adults are smiling away at me, it isn't because I sound gay...

What does everyone else think of the sound of their real voice, compared to what you hear when you speak?

So I'm by myself for a week and more again and going to be enjoying the culinary wonders of frozen items and take-out, and hopefully a restaurant or two! Which gets me to thinking that dating a boy who's a real chef/cook/pastry maker would be a BLAST!

Not to mention the fun of a date/stay home evening spent COOKING together! Mmm, Lovelyboy and Disney baking cookies! Haha, that would be so enjoyable, or thumb print cookies, and we'd try to figure out who'd thumbed which cookie! Thumbing cookies sounds a bit perverse, or at least 'thumbing' anything does!

University with a meal card - and cash to burn too - will be fun for the first year, but silly me wondering WTF I will do from years 2-4 as far as proper eating goes... oh well, part-time work may not be inescapable then. But a Lovelyboy that will transform into a chef for me, that's for sure.

I want to bake cookies with gay people right now. Quite badly. Chocolate chip to start with!

I was thinking of a way to speak about the prevalence of GLBT people in society/school, and it would be dandy to place sticky notes/cards under chairs of people in an auditorium or lecture hall, and ask them to look under their chair for a GLBT or Straight written on whatever was there, and then talk about the hidden number and the importance of love and acceptance!

And then invite everyone interested for a GLBT-friendly bake-athon!

Alright, so I haven't written an entry on here in a while, since before the holiday break most likely actually!

For those of you who recall my brown-haired blue-eyed boy oh boy of a Lovelyboy who's in Rome and headed back real soon, well, he didn't forsake me. Haha!

He returned to Canada for the holiday break (I always want to type Christmas break, but power to the politically correct.), and stayed until a few days into the New Year.

And we went to the movies.

Unfortunately, it wasn't as filmstrip magical as you might hope! Or in some cases, *not* hope, but I don't blame you for that. Mmm, Lovelyboy!

Anyway, I will journey back in time to the lateness of December for you! He had already told me he would be coming back over here for the break and we were both fine with not seeing each other for Christmas itself and both just hoping to at least get together once, which was precisely what happened, a few days after Christmas.

Luckily, he had his cover all set - that being his friends wanted to see him - and I made up something about volunteering, which my family ate up. Incidentally, we had lots of homophobic extended family over from elsewhere and it was fuuuuuun. My mom didn't even have time to go into angst over my being gay (as a fact, she has flown away for two weeks again, beginning 2 days ago.) and I was fine to slip away, and my dad was glad to be able to hype up my extracurricular amazingness. Haha!

Sooooo, we coordinated for a bite to eat followed by a movie followed by coffee after, and it started off so perfectly and when I saw him inside this coffee shop I about wanted to drop dead and lunge for him and strip him naked all at once! That's a really good summation of how I felt, yipppee. And then he saw me and smiled and it was all fireworks and we actually hustled towards each other and I felt so moronic again but then we literally threw our arms around each other - not as if we'd been 10 years apart, but still somewhat dramatically - and laughed and then we sat down.

It was really neat for me, because I haven't hugged a male, non-relation in public in probably over 7 years! So doing it then made me feel liberated to a degree, and made me yearn for university some more (7 months to go!). I probably said this before, but to reiterate for your eyebeams, Lovelyboy isn't out in his city, and I'm out to under 5 people. The first part of that is a bit misleading as I learned that fateful afternoon though, as Lovelyboy let me in on the fact that all of his female friends do know... but apparently he doesn't have many female friends, and he has no male friends aside from work acquaintances and forced-friends via parents, who he doesn't like at all.

In my case, I'm friendly with everyone in my grade for the most part, and I have lots of closer female friends, and I feel closer with the guys in my grade than I have in 3 years probably, but I don't have any really close or meaningful friends, except for the one girl I came out to... but we're actually drifting apart a bit, and she somehow slipped into the habit of stupidly gay wording ala "That's so gay!" But more on that another time!

So we ordered our respective items, Lovelyboy had started up on a frappocino-gingerbread affair, and I wanted to lick the foam off of his lips before he did each and every time, and then I told him that later and he kissed me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ok, getting far ahead. Well, we just sat and talked and kept beaming at each other for about 45 minutes in the coffee shop, and my hot chocolate was terrible, and he tried it and agreed and we kept joking about all these things to do to the service or to ruin the shop (which had a very nice, festive interior that wasn't tacky - seriously!). It wasn't very crowded either, so we talked some about being gay and I got to ask him about his home life some more, which we honestly hadn't really discussed before (mine or his).

I was so ready to hug him and hold him and never let him go when he told me about how his family and school and stressors were like regularly, even though he was back right out of Rome and it was the holiday season, he sounded so glum and down talking about regular life that it made me almost HATE the moronic, stupid, insignificant people that add up to make his life a pain. It wasn't anything too serious, more a collection of things that added up to make high school very unfun, and one of those was his dropping out of sports (like me, although I wasn't extremely sporty to start with!) because of all the sideways homophobic comments, and sometimes direct ones.

He told me all about Rome, and about mini-Pope the anti-gay Catholic child from satan's womb, and we talked about where else in the world we both want to go and HAVE to go to again, and it was probably one of the top 5 conversations I've had in my whole life - as short as it is - and it made me glad and sad and amazingly thankful to have Lovelyboy right then and there.

Woooo, I feel a bit somber or non-hyped writing this, probably pensive over exams, hahaha! As I laugh myself into hysterics... :)

We saw I Am Legend (with Will Smith, it's about vampires taking over) and probably should've seen Sweeney Todd or The Bucket List or something *else*. Suffice to say, it was a baaaaaad movie to both of us, and to top it off, the place was crowded enough that we couldn't make out! I know! After all this, and no ability to make out! Alright, we could've, but his suburban city isn't anywhere near liberal, and we were idiotic enough to sit in the MIDDLE in the MIDDLE. No, I didn't rewind my mind, I mean we sat in the centre of the cinema's centre row. AHHHHHHH!

Still, first date ever, so it was worthwhile. And with a boy. So dually worthwhile! We didn't mind looking like two boys going to see an action movie either, and there were actually some threesomes and fivesomes of guys in the same threatre with us, and afterwards I asked him if he thought he saw any other gay couples in hiding and he just laughed. Exclamation point!

He looked better in some ways returning from Rome, I sort of liked his haircut more, but he probably got it the week before I saw him, so it might've looked especially coiffed! His skin looked rosier, his eyes looked a bit worn out, he seemed thinner, but I think we both clicked mentally more than ever and just had the perfect vibe of contentment throughout the evening.

Somewhat unfortunately, it wasn't a lusting vibe. The before coffee shop, movie and after coffee shop were lovely and amazing and ecstatic, but for the past few weeks I've just been thinking so much about where I want to go for university, and while I applied in the UK (and load on doubt for my acceptance chances, aside from 1), I feel like I'll be sticking to Canada, and for me that's culminated in going outside of Ontario for sure, to Montreal, Vancouver or Victoria (the V's are in British Columbia on the WEST coast, like California is, the M is to the east in Quebec, but land-locked and it actually has a winter)! The thing is deciding which way to head (yay for me feeling safe about being accepted to at least 1 option in each place) and determining how much my being gay is swaying each option.

Now, you may be asking: WHAT ABOUT LOVELYBOY?! Okay, okay! I'll get back to him in a bit... but if you meant *his* university prospects, he applied to several of the same schools as me, but is going to put more thought into it when he's accepted - he's incredibly Lovely in that foresight of not stressing himself early. And as ecstatic as everything was that night, and still is, and probably will be... my university choice will still highly likely lie in one of those predominantly urban centres. Well, Victoria isn't very urban, but it's a ferry ride (albeit an hour+ long one) away from Vancouver. Haha, ferries. Sounds like the place for me! If you didn't catch that, just breathe. Ferry - Fairy - Gay boi. Breathe.

So throttle me with some advice, Lovelyboy soothed my worries a bit with his advice, but he tried to tone everything down pretty clearly to wait until he gets word back and see if we could go somewhere *together*. Which I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! But at the same time, still wondering how that would work, since up to now we've been in an idealic bubble. Maybe not idealic, with the homophobia and resistance to macking (that's making out/kissing for a prolonged period of time for anyone's reference), but still very far away from living together and not at the level of engaging in sex! So I'm hesitant to commit there - not that I wouldn't! - and would love any input on which city, Montreal or Vancouver, seems better and why.

Vancouver - universities with INCREDIBLY active GLBT groups, hundreds of extracurriculars for me to pick from, NO ice cold winters, extremely gay-friendly city and province, good amount of gay bars and gay-related activities for sure, biggest stretch of gay-oriented beach in the world (really! It's part of Wreck Beach... which is somewhat famous for another reason, which I hold no interest in, but still neat.), vibrant city, lots of food options, my step-sister and her family live there (my niece!), travel is easier due to weather and location of campus, my program would be excellent, Vancouver is over a day on train/drive to where I currently live

Montreal - less active but still presence of GLBT group at school, loads of extracurriculars, exceptionally gay-friendly province, Montreal has one of the biggest gay urban sectors in the world (and it's not just a gay ghetto), really vibrant nightlife and loads of gay bars, legally able to drink alcohol as soon as I get there (that could be a negative though), vibrant, European city (one of, if not the last in North America), great food options, my degree would be more prestigious, my program would be excellent, Montreal is under 6 hours by train/drive to where I currently live

There's negatives to both, but those are positives that jump out to me, the distance to home at the end may be a negative or positive, I probably would feel more liberated all the way in BC, but then my step-sister is only a few hours from Vancouver (then again, we're not that close, and we don't even see each other annually). It sounds so lame to me sometimes, but really the cold of Ontario is getting old (specifically the snow probably), despite the loveliness of winter clothing, and Quebec has way harsher winters. Vancouver is all sun, large amount of rain, but hardly any notable winter. Montreal's gay youth is more politically active, a bit less socially so though.

Advice!

And back to my Lovelyboy date... after the movie, we walked out not holding hands because the popcorn scent got old, and the crowd behind and ahead of us was sort of discouraging, not anything obvious but just latent fear of being gay acting up, I suppose. And we didn't say this aloud at any point, but the vibe had us both knowing not to bother trying to cuddle in his city's theatre. And even if it didn't, I definitely wouldn't want to make his life difficult in ANY way, such as if some homophobic guy from his school saw us at the movies doing anything!

We went back to a different coffee shop though, and midway walking he put his arm around my waist and I then put mine around him and if it wasn't cold and we weren't so visible I would've turned into his arms and kissed him madly right there! We walked like that back to the new coffee shop, staying that way up until the door, we went in and ordered the SAME things, and switched them back and forth, haha.

After washrooming (separately, and I think it's of note, imagine popcorn scented hands yeesh! Although I see this as another perk of same-sex relationships... same washroom! Then again, could be awkward sometimes, haha.) we got to talking about the movie and a ton of everyday things and our hopes and plans and Rome again and my school life and it was a lot of fun. This new coffee shop was more crowded than the last, but it was actually evening-time, but I keep wondering HOW both places and the movies were filled up after just a few days after Christmas, but I suppose post-Christmas sale shopping, and the fact that it was a *city* coffee shop and movie theatre impacted that. It's a suburban city though, like mine, with under 300 000 people so hmm again!

We had our first couple of silent moments with each other, the first WAS a dash of awkwardness *Gasp!* but then we recovered, and I laughed and pointed out we almost had an awkward moment and he laughed so much and again I wanted to kiss him. And later that night as I lay in bed (I could've fallen asleep easily, but I stayed awake recounting it all and just thinking... which made me want to go on another date so badly, my Lovelyboy is an inspiration in every sense of the word.) I thought about how heinous it is that two well-off, good-looking (in his case, awesome-looking with a side of adorableness), intelligent gay teens can't feel safe about kissing in a Canadian store of any sort in one of our own hometowns! It really was and is ridiculous, I haven't said that to him, he probably thought it up too (did I mention our minds are one?), but it's still so nuts and sad and maddening! At least in some way though, it spurs us closer together! Well, not really, but in the end it probably will have!

We talked about fashion and I was so glad to be right about him being a fashion boy from tidbits of things on the phone (and he was dressed impeccably Lovely, haha!), and about watches and global politics and sad things and inventions and books and movies and what we HAVE to do on our next date (he actually called it that, and I felt this absolutely sincere, wonderful, light blush-heat crawl up my neck) and it was phenomenal and THAT whole conversation probably ranked as #4 in my whole life, even with the couple of near-awkward moments (and even those were MINIMAL, not like 3-25 seconds with forsaken straight people!)!

I'm sighing thinking about that date and him, and how the hot chocolate at the second place was way better, and we laughed it up, and on the way out as we walked back to the first coffee shop (joint idea for multiple reasons) arm over arm at the small of each other's back, once we got out of eyesight and were at this deserted little intersection without a mechanical, robotic Safe to Walk, Hand Stop symbol thing (you know what I mean), I was going to, but then he did it first - he moved his arm up and I turned to face him and we looked into each other's eyes for a second and didn't smile but had contented expressions and then we just kissed and it was fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking phenomenal! And we stood there kissing for a few seconds and his arms pulled me closer and I pulled him closer and he definitely wanted to put his hands all over my head and hair but he had mitts on, and I would've done the same, but I was busy clinging to his back muscles which I could practically feel through his tweed coat and it was great and then we stopped and gulped in breath and smiled and he leaned his head down against my shoulder and I wrapped my hands around his head and kissed the top of his head which was covered in a nice beanie/toque (he offered it to me before we left but I said no, my dashing gentleman though!) and the lack of real ending to this giant sentence is expressing my mood then so well, and he pecked the side of my neck and it sent thrills up me it was so good, and then we kissed again on that sidewalk intersection and a car had actually driven past and then we stopped and I hugged him and he hugged me back so tightly and I was thinking how much I never ever wanted to let him go and it felt so good and I want it now so much and oh I hope every one of you feels that if you haven't already, even though you probably have (and this'll sound TERRIBLE, but for the sake of further relating it, it was sort of like the feeling you might get after your mother or father returns or is about to leave from/for a long time and you hug them and feel *so* glad and happy and somewhat sad still) and then we linked arms and started walking and he sort of leaned his head toward me as if to place it on my shoulder, but it didn't quite work and I laughed and he laughed and then we unlinked arms and he put his around my waist and I put mine around his back and tucked my hand beneath his right arm and we must've looked picturesque from the back (our outfits would've matched just fine) and it was beautiful!

Reminds me of this song over here: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=-t6iNXgvRXU I would embed it but it was Disabled By Request hahaha. The video suits it all too, and the white man with brown hair *sort* of bleeeeearily reminds me of Lovelyboy, but Lovelyboy is slimmer, younger (duh), his hair is shorter and not so messy-styled, Lovelyboy is waaaaaay cuter, pearless blue eyes, aaaand a lot more personality! And other stuff. But check out that song!

And then we neared the other coffee shop and I had to unlink from him, since it was a family member picking me up, and he knew that and pouted and I pouted back and we laughed, and then I called the pick-up and they were a few minutes away and I sighed and I went for it (even though I didn't really) and turned to Lovelyboy in the more public parking lot area and kissed him full on and held his head between my covered hands and his covered hands went under my arms and up and down my back and it didn't last that long but it felt thrilling and more illicit because we both didn't want my pick-up to see any of this and mmm!

We actually said our good-byes then as we approached the previous coffee shop, since being the logical boys we are, we didn't want to just be seen with one another by my pick-up, and he didn't say it but I know he must've been worried on some level about being seen with me and being further branded as gay by any bad person, so :( .

It was ok though, it was sad, it feels worse now since he's back in Rome finishing up and I again question how often a night like that would happen (it seems like it could happen every other night, but reality says it might not even happen once a month). So we said our good-byes and squeezed each other's hands (covered, haha, in a sad way again) before it was done and then we were behind a couple of cars in the lot right next to the coffee shop and he looked around and I looked around and I wouldn't have cared if my parents had been watching then (but eww nonetheless) and he kissed me on the cheek and then the upper side of my neck and I kissed him and we kissed lip-style again for a few seconds, and then I told him I couldn't wait to see him again and he told me the same and we both basically sighed and I squeezed his hand, and then a car drove into the lot LMAO and we we both practically jumped out of our skins! Haha, no, it wasn't my ride, but we were standing right next to a CAR and pretty deliberately trying not to be seen for a few seconds, having our intimate moment, and Whamo!, headlights appear and illuminate us and it's headed down the lane about 6 feet across from us!

So that was kind of scary, immensely funny too and we both had to laugh and then I thanked him and he thanked me and I would've made out with him for the next 24 hours I swear to god (whom I don't believe in, YAY! If someone has a good expression that still sounds as good as "I swear to god", let me know) but we both knew it was date-over time, and thankfully we did get in lots of kissing (well, not THAT much, but at least a minute all-told, and it was all passionate, mmmmmmmmmmm)!

So he walked ahead and was actually going to meet a female friend who worked at a store not far away from the shop and get a ride home from her, and I went after a minute or two and stood in front of the coffee shop to wait for my ride, which came about 6 minutes later (which was ludicrous since over 6 minutes before when I called, they said they were just a FEW minutes away, but took 12+ minutes to get there, woo hoo, I know to be grateful for transportation, but timing is so nuts sometimes ahhh, I'm probably a bit more bitter because Lovelyboy and I could've actually made out for 5+ minutes or something, or I could've got him something in the coffee shop grr) and took me back home from my magical evening.

Yummmy. So Lovelyboy is done in Rome next week and on his way back and we really will have to see what happens. I followed through with some of his indispensable advice and am trying not to stress over his coming back/what we're going to do for the next many months when we're both on the same continent again!

It was a really terrific evening and I am so lucky to have had it, and have had it with him, but I would love some advice on any front from you, my dear person reading this, because in 7 months I will probably pick one part of Canada to go to for 3-4 years of schooling and even with the bliss of Lovelyboy and I, I know to keep in mind my gay options for post-secondary school, haha. Actually, that probably is a byproduct of that semi-fear I described above, with us not wanting to be publicly gay. As in, I internally know how much stock to place in this incredible relationship. As in, I understand that we may NEED to be over in 7 month's time just because, and just because I almost feel like I've shown him a lot of me, and who knows? - is it because he's my first male partner? I wish I could go to a club with him, I wish I could spend more time with him. I wish, I wish!

!

I still want to drink him up and hug him close and kiss him till we feel like we've inhaled each other, but the smartsy part of me is ever-considering university, and now I'll stop asking, so you can stop reading, and type words of your own, for ME! Thanks, and Lovelyboy is as Lovely as ever, for the record :)

So Lovelyboy and I had a nice conversation a couple of days ago...

Just to ensure you twig on, LB = Lovelyboy, Me = Disney! He was also the one who called!

Me: This is the operator, how may I help you?
LB: Connect me to Canada, pronto.
Me: This is the operator, how may I help you?
LB: Connect me to Canada, pronto.
Me: This is the operator, how may I help you?
LB: I want to carry that on, but I think anyone in earshot around me might think I'm even wackier than I already am.
Me: Hahahaha, hey!
LB: Hey back!
Me+LB: Haha
Me: So what trouble have you been up to?
LB: The kind that starts with a capital 'T'! (Probably the only potentially lame thing he's ever said to me... but I fell for it nonetheless :) )
Me: Haha, so let me guess... life sentence?
LB: Something like that. In a maximum security prison. In the Vatican City.
Me: God forbid!
LB: Noooooo, I wish I could say that, but again, EARSHOT! Not that I'm worried, but Vatican City equals much love for the earshooters!
Me: Haha, if you come back with an ear missing or cartilage gone, I'll know who to blame!
LB: Haha
Me: So reeeally, what hast thou dones't?
LB: Well actually I got into a WW2 with another Canadian tripper (he actually said W-W-2).
Me: Sounds trippy :( (I illustrated my longing to hold him dear with my VOICE people, that's what the sad smiley indicates)
LB: Yeah, so I've been in a bad mood most of the day (OMG he's not arrogant or untrue about his emotions or unrealistic ahhhhhhhhhhhh I want him now, my ideal ideal ideal) and almost didn't want to call now in case I was snippy!
Me: Aww, you're not snippy, ("and I wish I was there to hug you and get protective of you and assault whoever made you mad") but go on and tell me what happened!
LB: Well, it was pretty much like this... actually you know how I mentioned Vatican City before?
Me: The Pope has a name TOO, you know!
LB: Haha! Well he does, buuuut I don't really care to know it, and that's sort of where the argument started, since we (his class) were all talking about the Vatican... (his retort made me feel intellectually stimulated, I tell you)
Me: Any deadly earshooters nearby?
LB: Hmm, actually I'll move a bit so I can tell you this comfortably! (Perverse moi imagines comfortable, luxuriously brown-haired Lovelyboy in nothing but boxers, or briefs, or the mix... or something showing skin)
Me: Careful Bond!
LB (Whilst Moving): Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! Haha
Me: Haha
LB: If I'm sounding stupid, just tell me... this fight threw me off all day!
Me: You're sounding stupid.
LB: (Inhales!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can certainly identify a surprised inhalation over a long-distance phone call, which is what that was) Oh.
Me: KIDDING!
LB: Haha, alright, if you SAY so! (Wishing even more I could be there to hug it out with him)
Me: I do say so, and you're not sounding bad at all, I really want to hear more!
LB: Haha, alright, I think I'm out of ear-shooter range now!
Me: Have you ever used a pea shooter? (I had to ask, just imagine if you kept talking about ear-shooters... PEA shooters will come to mind pretty fast)
LB: Hahaha, I miss you! (GUSHGUSHGUSH)
Me: (I should've done an inhalation of intensity here, damn) Aww, I miss you too, quite badly almost!
LB: Haha, and aww back atcha'! (Too cute for Canada almost)
Me: Anyway 007, what was the ruckus all about?
LB: I don't remember who Bond's boss was, I do remember Charlie from Angels, so *ahem*...
Me: Hahahah, ok, I'll be the never-to-be-seen voice of direction, and you can be my Angel to send on missions! (imagine if I'd said "Angel to diRECT" hmm... but I can see Lovelyboy as an Angel too, in a model type shot or with a feather halo and of course in angelic boxers/briefs/mix/neither)
LB: Hahaha, yepper (at some point or another he revealed that I'm probably the only person he ever actually SAYS that too... and I had to concur, I say it sooo often online or in my head, but never aloud! Except with Lovelyboy!)! So this guy was just talking about the Vatican, and then he mentioned how Mass was so overrated, as a joke, since he had a cross on and had already shown he was Christian... well, mini-Pope, in body AND mind
Me: Haha
LB: Started pointing out how Mass was done for blah blah blah reason, and this and that, and then the other guy just let it go, but mini-Pope carried on through the REST of the discussion, and SOMEONE brought up Leonardo -
Me: - I love Titanic!
LB: Hahaha
Me: Haha, sorry, go on!
LB: Haha, well he went on to call him a fag, the wannabe teacher (a whole other story, suffice to say Lovelyboy is exposed to rather young teachers over in Rome, and they aren't too knowledgeable!) didn't say anything, then mini-Pope pointed out that all fags burn in hell... no one said anything, so I took it upon myself to turn around and ask him how he figured that -
Me: (Mentally: MY HERO!!!!!!!!! So brave, so courageous, ahhhhh!)
LB: - and he actually quoted something from the Bible, then something else, which was from LEviticus... and I asked him how he knew the Bible was REAL and that actually got some laughs, and then wannabe teacher stopped talking completely, and mini-Pope and I duked it out for about 3 minutes, no one said ANYTHING and mini-Pope clearly couldn't justify ye lovely book of old...
Me: Bring on the Agatha Cristie!
LB: Haha, for sure - then he asked if I was a fag, and I told him he should ask GOD that, and then turned around and he rolled his eyes and stopped saying anything and somehow the lesson continued and everything went on alright but it almost unnerved me, and that's my story!
Me: (Mentally imagining how to book a ticket to Rome and hire someone to intimidate mini-Pope forever more, while I comfort my lion-king Lovelyboy!) Well, you definitely stuck it to him, way to go; I probably wouldn't have said anything, that's so great you did!
LB: Thanks, do you think I said too much?
Me: Well, I think it's sort of a good thing the others (classmates/messengers of God) have an inclination that you're gay, if they didn't already, and a really good thing mini-Pope got what was coming to him -
LB: Haha
Me: - haha, and you probably influenced more people than might be realized now, so I think that's all awesome! Although, it might be annoying dealing with mini-Pope or anyone else who might be mini-Cardinal!
LB: Haha, ah, I guess that's not too bad!
Me: Yeah, that's so gutsy and cooly and sexy that you did that, I have to tell you. (Ahhhhhh how do I come UP with these lines?!?!?!?!)
LB: Haha, I think I'll be pondering that later (hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm), thanks though, it means a lot, I'm really glad you think that and I could tell you!
Me: Anytime, really, even if it's a random hour, or if it's a MESSAGE, get it out! Did you talk to anyone else over there or over here about this?
LB: Nah, well you know my family doesn't know, so that's a no... and that might be a bit too Adams Family anyway, haha!
Me: Hahahah, or maybe Jetsons style?
LB: Hahaha, try Partridge family! (his musical knowledge coincides with my own, yaaaay!)
Me: Haha, Brady Bunch!
LB: Little House on the Prairie people!
Me: Hahahhaa
LB: Hahahahha
Me: Haha, aw well, at least you got it out, do you think it'll continue to bug you?
LB: Ever the insightful! Gotta admit to liking the insightful... (he said this in a suggestive voice, and I would've shivvered if he'd gone on with it) I think I'll get over it fast enough, it'll be at the back of my mind for a while though, less so now, but when I spy mini-Pope it'll be really annoying!
Me: Well, you could always invite him to PLAY I-Spy!
LB: Haha, I-Spy the father, son and Holy Spirit!
Me: Hahaha, well at any rate, you know it'll annoy the HELL out of him to see you all over, and who knows, his mind might be changed a bit because someone actually confronted what he was saying.
LB: Hmm, hopefully!
Me: Gab gab gab x many minutes
LB: Gab gab gab x many minutes
Me: So what's the weather like over there?
LB: Haha, you wait until NOW to intro that?!
Me: Hahaha
LB: Hahaha
Me: Well your powers of perception sometimes seem a bit scarce, thought I'd give you a while to gear them up!
LB: Haha, CRUEL!
Me: Haha
LB: Well it's quite cool, but not really cold, and no snow!
Me: SCORE!
LB: Door!
Me: Store!
LB: Bore!
Me: You just want me to say whore!
LB: Hahahaha, nailed it! (recalling that little back and forth makes me jittery)
Me: Haha, well I'm glad the weather is nice, or nicer than snow-laden HERE!
LB: Sweetheart, don't fret! (Mental calm for once, well, PARTIAL calm... slight calm.)
Me: What, are you going to send aliens to clean up the snow?
LB: Hahahahaha
Me: Hahahaha
LB: Hahaha, oh my GOD, aliens?!
Me: Hahaha
LB: Oops, and I just took His name in vain!
Me: Hahaha, reported to mini-pope!
LB: Hahaha
Me: 5 Hail Maries Mr.
LB: Haha, actually, I'll engineer some alien SNOWFLAKES and that way, whenever winter comes around, the snowflakes will dissolve, or provide sustenance, or something good!
Me: Hahahaha, ok, alien-sustenance-snowflakes it IS!
LB: Haha!
Me: Ok, I think my departure is looming, along with one too many snowflakes for my liking!
LB: Aww, I'll have to get working on the alien introduction then!
Me: Haha, ok, sorry to cut this off!
LB: Haha, no worries, good talking, I don't know if I'll have a surprise for you next week or not, unfortunately!
Me: PLEASE tell me Santa is coming to town!!!!!!
LB: Hahahaha
Me: Haha
LB: Ya, with alien reindeer all the way! Haha!
Me: Haha!
LB+Me: Rudolph!!!!!! (complete mind-connect here, since we both thought of the NOSE and alien connection!)
Me: Radioactive-alien nose!!
LB: Hahahahaha
Me: Hahaha
LB: Okie doke, if we must part, let it be now!
Me (teardrops): Alright, stay out of trouble though, and be careful with the alien stuff!
LB: Haha, *I'm* the alien here!
Me: Haha, it's ok, you'll be back here sooooooon (me implying hope at his coming for Christmas, or before February at least)!
LB: Haha, alright, talk to you later!
Me: Later, stay amazing! (Again, WTF do I SAY sometimes?!?! Just consider saying that on the phone to someone when you're not reeeally boisterous... it sounds blah!)
LB: Haha, I sure will, you stay AWESOME!
Me: Haha, later!
LB: Ciao!

So it was another fun call, if you didn't grab it up, Lovelyboy is agnostic/atheist and in yet another Lovely way, actually understands why the Bible is to be soooooo doubted/ignored/despised (some may be extreme words, but hmmm yet again)! I'm along the same lines, but it'll be a while again before I can really own up to it, although he and I have talked about it a good bit before!

The call can be summed up with:

Sort of, except their music video is rather bad IMO; but it's the music I mean. I felt all cool and happy after talking to him, and had that theme with me until I went to bed, and even at points the next day, and today! I think I grasped our relationship on another level, or he and I both did, or something along those lines... I *feel* more mature about it and about myself now, and I feel very mature and proud and SO ecstatic at being able to say: I was just talking to my "boyfriend" (and I think the term is rated now!) in Rome on the phone and...

Ahhhhhhhhh!

But, at the same time, he wouldn't tell me if/when he was coming back, very playfully that way, and if he didn't until February, I think I could handle it, but thinking about WTF will happen when he IS back makes me go more with Miley Cyrus. Now Miley, I used to hate her guts. I still think she's highly over privileged/lucky/Disney-wrapped to merit what she has going on (and if you live in Ontario/Canada's GTA, ahhhh, her show in Toronto cashed in big time), but this song (and even the random video!) changed my view a bit, along with some other research.

Turn up the volume on this one or it won't sound much good!

Oh, and MOD = MuchMusic show and MuchMusic is the exceptional Canadian version of MTV, except waaaay better! There's one host girl I want to kill though, she doesn't show up much though, thankfully. But yay MOD!

So the video and song is all over the place, and it's relatively juvenile (haha, I shouldn't talk, but therein lies the 'problem') and that's the thing... I feel like doom is on the horizon! What happens when Lovelyboy comes back? He lives 40+ minutes away from me... where is this really going? Can I even take things to a physical level? It makes me worried, and as much as the above applies, I don't feel like I could talk to him about that on the phone! If it works until the summer... what happens in the summer, what happens if we're really boyfriends and then go to universities far apart?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! In some ways it seems like when he comes, it'll really be like we Start All Over, I feel like we have such a good foundation... yet I feel nearly ridiculous for wanting to get physical just from these phone convos and some pictures he sent of him in Rome, and whether or not he might be here next week (sadly doubting, but who knows?!), and all the future items... not feeling too worried about being burned right now, but the realistic side of me gets boggled during our phone calls and sometimes just thinking about him, but in my clearheaded moments it's all AHHHHHHHHHHHH! How can you expect anything to really come of this?! It's almost a waste of time, silly you!

The latter video also shows off my enthusiasm and complete desire to go have fun with Lovelyboy so much of the time pondering him, I'd love to go to a club with him and dance haha!

Oh well, I'm in a wonderful predicament, and that felt good to put it all down, haha hopefully no Vatican/RCC (Roman Cath Church) peeps go insane over this but still screaming over my ever-sweet, only slightly, and somehow vastly alien Lovelyboy.

I have my driving test for my drive-alone license tomorrow! I feel a bit nervous, I'm worried about having to back in from the left side of a parking space! Or aaaah, if I try to parallel park and clip a car, or have to try going between TWO cars (I can do it, but who would want to?!)! And then slowing down/abiding by the speed limit... I do it perfectly well, I just slow down well in advance of a red light to avoid overusing gas (yay for the earth) and would be concerned if they docked points for doing it *too* early. It's not as though I majorly slow down, but I do coast it out a good bit in advance if it's red, then start braking... but icky handbooks imply that braking should be going on, not coasting.

I know that lots of people fail, but unfunness feeling me up right now! And music doesn't work so well, I think overall I can drive just fine, I tend to drive more like a casual driver than anything though... i.e. I'll have to really deliberately swivel my head tomorrow to check my blind spot, which I normally rely on the rearview mirror for, only actually quickly checking if I know there's something behind me for sure.

Hmm, mild irony pops into my mind - I definitely DON'T seem to check my blind spot at night if I know there's nothing behind me, because mentally I think: no lights flashing behind me, no lights visible behind me from a car in my rearview mirror... why risk anything getting knocked down ahead of me by swiveling my head?!

Going to try to get to sleep earlier today, my test is early tomorrow; really hoping that means the roads are mostly deserted, haha. Or, they could be crowded with POed people trying to get to work.

I just watched a really good movie called The History Boys! Anyone else seen it? What's your fav. gay-theme involved movie? This one had a lot of gay-theming going on, right now I can't pinpoint my favourite homo-happy (or unhappy) movie though!

Well I seemingly started off my last journal and left all you terrific peeps hanging!

Sooooo, as we bring back the image of Disney's Lovelyboy, we see a studly brown-haired, blue-eyed teen who's in Rome, who's kissed Disney (in more ways than one, as you will find out!), who's prone to long-distance phone calls that leave me in melt-mode. Oh, and he's absolutely Lovely still.

So long ago (before Halloween), Lovelyboy left me a message on the family answering machine. It was pretty quick, but I heard a fountain behind him and thought it was so adorable that he left a long-distance message for me just to "check in" and hope I have a Happy Halloween! Thankfully, I was the only one to hear the message in the house, and subsequently phoned Lovelyboy up with specifications to go cellular or go home.

Home makes me think of women who have soldiers away at war, which isn't funny, but haha I feel like I could be standing at a dock or over a pier or seaside precipice just looking out with longing eyes, waiting for my Lovelyboy to come home!

The call I made to him to request calls only to my cell was actually a message too, I wanted to laugh then too because I must've called really early/late so of course he didn't pick up!

Normally I'm not one to leave my phone on that much, but since then I've left it on from wake-up to sleep-down and had a scary moment when the battery was almost dead and Lovelyboy hadn't called for the week and I was gobsmacked over my emotional turmoil. Well, not really.

Anyway, we had a lengthier convo a week or two ago and it was after he went to some museums and was having lunch alone (I know!) and this is how it went:
Operator: Do you want to engage in phone sex with your overseas admirer?
Me: If I swear at you, will you reduce the calling charges?
Operator: Please hold. *Background:Mother-fucking mouthy gay guys*
Lovelyboy: Hola!
Me: Buenos dias?
Lovelyboy: I'll give you two pesos for that swanky accent!
Me: I could sell my literacy for more than that! (that sounded very clever at the time)
Lovelyboy: Haha, how about your sign language?
Me: I'll stick to Braile, please and thanks!
Lovelyboy: WordswordsTongueclicknoiseWordsTongueClickWords (think movie-done African tribe talk with tongue clicking)
Me: Is that code for hang up on the insane Canadian? I think it is!
Lovelyboy: Haha, and how are you today, honeybunch?
Me: I'm peachy keen, how you doin' sugar dumpling?
Loveleboy: Ok, I have a good response to that with the kitchy Southern-Western thing, but I don't want to say it outloud in the land of Rome.
Me: Aww, sweetcakes!
Lovelyboy: Haha, took the words right out of my mouth!
Me: Oh yeah? (I miss lips on mine like his mmmmm)
Lovelyboy: Pretty much, except cake is pretty passe. (accent on the "e")
Me: You're trying to get me to ask what you're eating, aren't you?
Lovelyboy: Noooooooooooo! (The word cuddle resonates when I replay his cuuuuuute "Noooooooooooo!")
Me: Ok, supersize me!
Lovelyboy: You have to get all dirty when I'm NOT there! (Que drool for my international desires)
Me: So what have you been munching on, sugarpie?
Lovelyboy: Hahaha!
Me: Haha
Loveleyboy: Pizza.
Me: What is this you speak of?
Lovelyboy: Pizza.
Me: Shoes.
Lovelyboy: I love that video. And Pizza.
Me: Speaking of love, you absolutely hate the pizza and since you're in a loud restaurant you are afraid to say as much, right?
Lovelyboy: That about sums it up! (Our minds meld more everytime, I swear)
Me: Ok, but save the fact that it's a LOUD restaurant (things have been clanking and people talking in anti stage-whispers in the background all the while), what was on this masterpiece of a pie?
Lovelyboy: Well, save for the fact that masterpiece doesn't APPLY, I'd saaaaaay... tomato sauce, cheese, dough and it's components (I grin over this little bit of diction), olives, so-called pepperoni, and some non-drug herbs!
Me: How is it not a masterpiece when it has "non-drug herbs"?!
Lovelyboy: Don't ask me! I'm the innocent Lovelyboy (he used his real name, but the whole phrase sounded LOVELY)!
Me: Innocent, huh? And what is Mr. Innocence having for dessert, if he is?
Lovelyboy: Let's talk in the third-person all the time. Except for just then. Mr. Innocence - that's me! - is going for gelato after!
Me: Excuse me? Isn't gelato a bit passe (accent on the e again)?
Lovelyboy: Oh God, you're right! I'll warn Mr. Innocence immediately! *Fakes calling out to Mr. Innocence ala: "Mr. Innocence, Mr. Innocence come quick!"*
Me: Haha, careful, or they might kick you out of the anti-masterpiece theatre!
Lovelyboy: Oooooh, masterpiece theatre!
Me: Ooooh, pop culture I haven't born witness to!
Lovelyboy: Not even kidding, but I haven't either, but yes! (he sounded a tad like the collapsible me here)
Me: But yes?
Lovelyboy: I just added that because we completely synced there. (Hmmmmmmm, sounds fun)
Me: So we're N*Sync, you think?
Lovelyboy: Nah, we're just Lance Bass and JT. Except I'm JT and you're Lance!
Me: No way! YOU are Lance! (and think of all the dirtiness to be associated there)
Lovelyboy: Ok, but only if I get to write a tell-all book!
Me: Be sure to include the fact that Dumbledore's gay!
Lovelyboy: Oh my God I heard about that! (I really like how he says "Oh my God", even though he's probably identical in lack of belief like me, he doesn't go Omigod! or OH-MY-GOD, it just sounds exactly right for the context)
Me: So they really don't use paper cup telephones over there? (if you don't know what I mean, you lose some Lovely factor [YOU, not Lovelyboy!])
Lovelyboy: Nah, smoke signals are all the rage!
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: Haha
Me: Sooooo, see any interesting sights?
Lovelyboy: Yep, in more ways than one (I drearily imagine the hordes of superfine Roman boys), I nearly got run over by Paparazzi the other day!
Me: Do tell, Ms. Spears!
Lovelyboy: It's Britney Bitch!
Me: Hahaha
Lovelyboy: Hahaha
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: So I was on my own (again, I know!) and walking through the city (Rome, people, Rome) a bit and it was afternoon -
Me: - and JT popped out of nowhere?
Lovelyboy: Haha, yes, and with Lance along for the ride.
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: Actually it was a pair of Italian supermodel-celebrity people, man and woman, both did look good, and they got into a little black cab and sped off after coming out of some building behind me and the Paparazzi stormed down the street taking pictures and I had to flatten up next to this orange wall that might've been covered in ANYTHING.
Me: Way to go, get deported for catching some wall disease!
Lovelyboy: Haha, I sort of wish! (Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww)
Me (not losing my cool): So what else have you seen aside from crazy photographers?
Lovelyboy: Not boring but not exciting descriptions of things, some are very nicely done and I accuse him of quoting a tour guide, and we have some giggles over that, but then comes the amazingness:
Lovelyboy: And then this lady from Australia said that "this is so Mickey Mouse" and I practically died of laughter, and even her husband looked at her all what-the-fuck! and it was hilarious!
Me: Hahahah, any other Mickey misadventures with her?
Lovelyboy: Haha, not really, she was pretty zany but that reminded me of this time at Disneyworld when I was way younger, and I tried to kiss Mickey and my parents let me since they had no clue about some things, and it's all on video and I watched it a year or two ago and it was pretty interesting to see Minnie and Donald's whatever wife duck lady standing there but I tried to mac with the big male mouse himself! (he was out of the restaurant by this time, btw)
Me: Hahaha, that sounds a bit indicative of the Mr. Innocent you are today! (my mind didn't click on to the stupendous connection between him kissing Disney and my name here being Disney until a while later)
Lovelyboy: Aww, you're making me blush! (Again, cutest voice for my lovely heartstrings)
Me: I was thinking about replacement words for swearwords the other day and wondered if you had any!
Lovelyboy: Haha, was blush one of them?
Me: Way to go Watson!
Lovelyboy: Anything for you, Holmes! (omg and the potential gay story there between Watson and Sherlock hahahaha, well, not too funny, but haha nonetheless)
Me: Well I want nice-sounding words that add a sparkle of laughter to the room.
Lovelyboy: So you want airborne alcohol?
Me: Only if you're here! (I didn't feel stupid about saying that, and this whole convo made me feel really secure with whatever the "us" of the relationship is with Lovelyboy and I)
Lovelyboy: Aww, you're making me bitch! Umm, I mean blush!
Me: Haha, you sure that pizza from before wasn't doused in alcohol itself?
Lovelyboy: Hmm, that might explain the taste!
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: Ugh I just caught a glimpse of the time!
Me (not missing a beat): Don't blame the sundials!
Lovelyboy: Hahahahahahaha
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: I don't think I'd dare, but I actually need to hang up and talk to some strange people soon to figure out where I'm meeting up with the other cool kids.
Me: Why do you use the word "other"?
Lovelyboy: Haha, careful, Mr. Innocence is heading towards blush-mode again! (Que melting)
Me: Haha, wouldn't want that! But ooookay, if you have to go, no problemo!
Lovelyboy: Trust me, I don't want to! Well, I do, but not that much, it would help to know where I'm sleeping tonight though.
Me: Haha, don't let me hold you back then!
Lovelyboy: Oh hey, want me to end this with something creepy or romantic or neither?
Me: Only if I can blush. (The mystics of foreshadowing...)
Lovelyboy: Haha
Me: Haha
Lovelyboy: Well, the other night I had a dream about you and it did involve holding!
Me (in a state of delirium): Oh?
Lovelyboy: Ya, and I was holding you and then trying to run somewhere and you held on to me and wouldn't let go, and I turned around and eventually woke up.
Me (interpreting the most sexual thing any boy