wow, i haven't been on here forever, but i need somewhere to write where people aren't going to see it, but i sort of want her to see it, even though i don't want her to know i'm being all emo-y. whatever.

my head's spinning like crazy lately. not that it doesn't usually, maybe it's just gotten to be too much. anybody read the webcomic girls with slingshots? it's amazing. i really enjoy it. one of my friends called me the gay version of the main character, except in the strip, she just got back together with her boyfriend. and the girl i'm in love with just moved 10 hours away, and i don't have a car. the last time i saw her was a couple weeks ago when the boy she's sleeping with paid for her gas. i'm not entirely sure how she feels or how much of an idea she has for how i feel. i don't think i want anything defined, i just want to feel like i can make sure she's ok, and more than anything i want to hold her. i don't want to risk our friendship for an old fashioned type relationship, but i'm ok with not defining anything. i think. part of me wants to demand that everything be put into words, but part of me knows that would kill it all.

and while i'm thinking all this, i'm noticing all the hot girls that are right around. my TA for one, but she's also undergrad, so it's fine. definitely caught her checking me out, and she knows i'm queer and has directly hinted she is too. as shallow as it may sound, i really need to get laid. this is getting ridiculous.

ok, so this is totally random, but when i logged in, the little google adsense thing said "queers in history" and i totally thought of the whole muppets thing that used to be on tv, that'd be like "pigs in space" and was just imagining a parody with queers instead. granted, the pigs in space things was a parody too. and now that i'm remembering most of you are like what, 13? 16? holy crap i'm 21... wow, 16 does not seem like 5 years ago. anyway, you may have no idea of what i'm talking about. search for "pigs in space" on youtube if you'd like.

queers... in... history.... my brain is so random.

things that make me happy:

-talking to crushes-
-being gay-
-hanging out with gay people-
-chocolate-
-dancing-
-listening to music-
-coloring-
-good friends-
-pretty girls-
-girls in ties-
-girls in guys' jeans-
-star gazing (bit cold for that now though...)-
-playing outside-
-the funny things kids say-
-spring-
-swimming-
-girls in bikinis-
and stopping there for fear of making this list waaay too long. :)

I haven't actually written anything in a while, but several things have kind of been bugging me, so i figured i'd start up again.

most immediately, the way my roommate eats drives me crazy. i know it's a minor thing, especially compared to roommate problems that i and other people have had in the past, but oh my god. put the food in your mouth, close your mouth, and chew. i shouldn't have to hear every time you start chewing... the slurping and the smacking, holy crap. stop making love to eat and just eat it already. you eating should not be louder than me listening to the scissor sisters (the song "don't feel like dancing" always makes me want to dance). arg.

what's somewhat more serious than my roommate being gross... my friend has been bugging me a bit lately. she's been really awesome with my coming out, and she's one of the only straight people that's willing to listen to me talk about the girl i like, but lately she's started with this "life style" crap. more and more often she's casually refer to my liberal lifestyle, or comment on how different my lifestyle is, or something along those lines. what's my "lifestyle" like? i like math and science, and psychology, i study a lot, i work, and i like puzzles and music. i haven't even done much activism lately (which is rather disappointing). i'm certainly not having tons of hot sex; hell, i'm not having any sex (even more disappointing). i'm hoping she'll drop it soon enough. if not i'll just point out that my life can hardly be considered radical. granted, i don't know man, those math problems... i'd better cool it.

on a happier note... at work today, my boss gave me the left overs from the chocolate cake that they had for some reason or another... i forget. mmm... chocolate.

i think that's all. back to studying.

there's a cute girl in my lecture, and she's gay too.
i kind of like her, and i'm really happy she's in my class
she made a funny joke, and i laughed, and she smiled at me
i hope she likes me too-- whoo, whoo, whoo.

(me singing and dancing around my room after today's lecture. thank god my roommate was out...)

my crush is in my bio lecture, and she actually came over to say hi to me, and we walked around together afterwards and i managed to not sound like a complete moron (just a little bit of a moron, but not a complete one). and i made her laugh once. go me... :D

so i just spent my entire final exam completely distracted. i ran into the girl i like just before it started, and the whole time during the test i had mental images of her with chris pureka songs running through my head. really, when i fall, i fall so hard it's not even funny. it was all i could do to just finish the damn thing. i was reading questions 4 and 5 times over. my knees literally go weak. that's all, just thought i'd share...

Just wrote this, comments much appreciated.

Lesbian revenge...

It's no secret--growing up I was never the apple of any guy's eye;
Too tall and awkward and not enough make-up.
Strangely enough I found your lack of interest reassuring.
And now we're both older, and I'm still tall and still don't wear make-up
But the awkwardness has subsided, and boy, I can turn your world upside down
Because you and her go out dancing, and I'm hanging at the bar.
And you and her are in heaven;
But I catch her eye, and your whole world is shaken
And suddenly, she's thinkin'
Of how you blew her off with "go take a midol" that morning.
And I smile, and she's distracted
Thinking of how she wishes your skin was just a bit softer
And your touch just a little more tender...
Hell, she's wishing for more touch and less of your thrust.
Skin touching skin is where this revolution gonna begin?
I'm just trying to do my part, a girl's gotta help out where she can.
And boy, you'll be dancing alone tonight.

ah! i don't understand why my roommate listens to the radio station each morning. they're talking about how the article they read on american idol was really interesting. and the music is just terrible, it's hard to tell which is worse, the hosts' stupidity or the overplayed songs. not the first thing i want to hear when i wake up in the morning. i have work to finish, things to do, guh. just had to vent.

i am officially total chicken shit. i can't talk to the girl that i like, at all. and she's gay too, it's not like i'm having the classic straight girl problem. we see each other fairly often, have friends in common, and are on a semi-friend basis ourselves. and yet i can't talk to her. i see her, and my hands start to shake, and i feel like i'm going to pass out. i suck. i'm abandoning attempts at flirting and significant other seeking, in the slight hope that everyone that says "once you stop looking, she'll come" is right. we shall see.

this is what i think about in classes...

--while the cute TA offered to help me light my bunsen burner in chem lab:
"come on baby, light my fire"

--while studying the EKG in biology: "you make my heart go wild"

--geography: "i'll bela your rus"

haha. just thought i'd share.

so, i've decided, we should all pool our money and take over an island. we'll make it queer island, we can have our own monetary system, our own educational system, people can board at schools where they don't have to worry about straight roommates, everything can be gender neutral (and to all the cynics out there, shut up, this is dream world, i'm taking a break from the reality where this would be sooo problematic on so many levels). it would be awesome. if your gaydar sucked, it wouldn't matter, everyone would be gay. and for those of us who don't show up on most people's gaydars, it would be awesome, because for once we'd get action too, instead of having the people who don't know us give us "do you know where you are" looks at lgbt events. i also propose much singing and frolicking on this island. yay for music. who's in?

so i think the republicans are thinking...
"crap, we suck, we've accomplished nothing, the nation is in crazy-ass debt, we're total fuck-ups, we're stuck in iraq, we still have nothing really to show for as far as responses to 9/11 goes, n. korea is testing nukes, health care in this country sucks, we definately dropped the ball on the foley thing, and how many people were indicted from our party? there's the katrina thing, the gaza strip, literally the world hates us... ok, what can we do, we need something to get the voters back on our side... i know! the gays! we'll talk about the gays! America, the gays will recruit your children, they threaten the very ideals of traditional family values that this country was founded on! Fear them! and in your fear, forget about how shitty we really are, and vote for us anyway on the grounds that we don't like gays either."

wow, so i was reading the forum topics about books... and found something i had posted, and realized that it was about a year ago. i'd totally forgotten i'd posted that, but it's strange thinking about it. when i first joined oasis i was barely out to myself. the idea of straight was still something that i wanted. a year. it's a strange thought. i'm comparing where i am now to where i was then. i'm out to most of my friends, involved with the LGBTA on campus, much more comfortable with myself. right now i'm actually kind of pissed though. a year of my life was spent becoming comfortable with who i am because of ideals that my parents and the rest of society raised me on. i guess it's what is. i'm happy now, in any case, and even though i'd hardly consider where i am right now to be optimal (i want a girlfriend, or really just someone to hold so bad) thinking as to how much progress i've made i feel somewhat energized. ok, off to reflect now.