So this year I'm going to a new school... again. Hah. This one I'm actually infatuated with. I love it. It's amazing. I've met so many new people, and I met a guy... This sounds so cliche, but from the moment I saw him, I knew he was looking at me-- I was looking at him too. A few days passed, and all we did was sniff each other's butt and see what was up... Eventually, my friend reveals to him that I'm gay, and he tells her that he likes "to have sex with guys but not date". Cool, right? Of course since I'm young, I've known him for a bought a week, and I already think I'm in love. He picks up a little on it, and we end up hooking up. It gets a bit more serious, and a few days pass before I convince him that he has feelings for me...

Yesterday we went to a movie and then his house. We hooked up throughout the whole movie. Mamma Mia was fucking terrible. I gagged whenever I turned away from him to watch the movie. Skip a few more hours of foreplay, and we're sitting his room, naked. Well, we have really quick sex, and this is my first time having anal sex... It was so terrible. Well, not the sex, but I just... hated the feeling after having it. I didn't want to look at him. I felt like I didn't like him at all from the beginning, and I was finally realizing that I actually hated his personality. We had nothing in common. Hanging out with him as friends wasn't so bad, but I think he wants me now more than I wanted him... I'm so confused. He's everything I wanted... So today I smoked three bowls with a friend, talked about him, watched My Neighbor Totoro , talked about the meaning of life. oh yeah, and after I left his house, he texts me "I'm so drunk right now"

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, and I don't feel any better now...

Oh yeah, and I get to go to catholic church youth group totally stoned in 40 minutes.

So my parents announced to me a few days ago that they want me to get confirmed with the Catholic Church - flash to the pope prodding gay people with a trident - yeah, no. Obviously, I'm not too fond of getting confirmed into a church that doesn't support the option I reserve to spend the rest of my life with a man rather than a woman. Fuck bitches. I sort of hint at not wanting to get confirmed, but since my mom's deaf (not really), she thinks I'm ecstatic about the ordeal. Well, I end up talking about this to one of my friends over IM who, by the way, has "rejoined the faith". The Faith. God, I cringe when people call it that, like it's some faction from a video-game. Anyways, she convinces me that I should bargain with my parents. YPI for confirmation. Deal, and she's sponsoring me too.

On another note, I'm bored as hell. My best friend is ditching me for a public school because it's "easy to get good grades". What a bitch.

Talk to me, please. :(

Wow, so I should definitely be doing homework and studying right about this time. Speaking of subjects this term... I love German. Second year of it, and I'm still crazy about it. I even get to go on this trip to Bavaria during my third year, though I'm not too crazy about that. It sucks going on trips with my school 'cause, y'know, it's catholic and all, so the host family is obviously going to be all Bavarian 'we didn't succumb to Lutheranism' Catholic. Hm, that's kind of mean. I shouldn't be so bleak. You know what's stupid? This guy is really persistent in going out with me, and he really is kind of cool; but I just don't want to hook up with him. Like, physically he kind of repulses me. I feel like an ass hole for this too. I feel like an ass hole too often. Man, I should really turn it around. Maybe it's 'cause I have some superiority complex. And it's not like I want to have it, I don't. I want people to like me to put it bluntly, and sometimes I feel like they'll like me better if I make them feel like I'm better than them. Well, this can't be totally true. I mean the whole of me actually being a dick to be more liked. I'm not totally a dick, and hell, I go to a catholic school. Of course people don't like the gay kid looking for attention. I say this specifically because I often really do look for attention through art and stuff. I draw, paint and sculpt like crazy. My shit's been in the art and literary magazine every year since I first arrived, and truly, I'm not trying to show off or anything. I just cringe when I see seniors painting these terrible pieces of art. Well, they're not terrible, not at all terrible; they just lack the kind of emotional beauty. The fact that you were feeling something when you were drawing the painting. Anyways I digress, this term is going pretty damn well for me so far. I've quite a lucky schedule. Best, most lax teachers in the school, so I'm going strong with all A's. Haven't missed an assignment this term either, but damn, I'm so ready for this Christmas break. I finally get my fucking braces off. You know I actually sort of enjoy the fact that I had bracers so that I could have this moment of getting them off. I'm so fucking pumped about it. One could compare this moment to caressing the person they've loved all their life... Well, that's an exaggeration, but I really am enjoying this. About the title. Stiletto (Pumps) is a fun song, haha. My friend and I are going shopping soon for designer glasses and these platforms with fake goldfish in them. Also, she spits some lines about 'Atl' which woudl happen to be where I'm from.

Gotta' love that the city you're from is like the rap capitol. Well, good rap if it exists...

Hm, so apparently we're studying the reformation in World History, and we got on the topic of the most liberal form of Prostantism-- err, the least ritualistic rather-- Quaker, Society of Friends, that stuff.

Anyone know much about this?
I believe in Jesus and God and such, but this seemed to really catch my eye because it's peace-loving, compassionate people, and I guess I sort of want to be apart of this society of "friends".

<3 Jerry

Wow, I can't believe how easily I can waste three months. Maybe I should be more careful with my time. Like the way I set up my schedule. Hm, I should sign up for ceramics AND drawing! I thought. See, I signed up for drawing and body conditioning originally because-- well -- I don't fucking know. Art is like my thing, so naturally I would sign up for at least one this year. I decided, fuck body conditioning and replaced it with Ceramics. Which was probably the better decision, since as much as I want a physique, I'd rather not embarass myself on a bench thingy. And yes, I do care about what stupid jocks think about me. As wrong as I probably am, something in the back of my head tells me that at least one of those gorgeous boys is gay and will realize it in a hot, steamy shower with me. ANYWAYS, I've practically fallen in love with making pots and shit. Almost enough to drop drawing for the next ceramics course. I haven't yet taken this drawing class yet, so maybe I should just go ahead and take it... Okay, enough with boring you guys. Wow, I'm off topic. Bad Jerry! Very bad!

So I'm in A Christmas Carol because the director is short of guys for the background roles, and I happen to not be terrible at acting. Damn. I really shouldn't have given into his desperate smile, which turned me on slightly. Hell, that was probably the reason I joined. Stupid sexual desires getting to me. I'm nice to guys that TOTALLY don't deserve it because they're hot. Well, this poor decision ended up in me playing a small role and wasting three months of my fall/winter season. I think finding out that the director was gay made up for it though. He just happened to leave his macbook out, and I couldn't help but browsing his email for a few-- well 30 minutes. I even got to meet the guy in person when he came to one of the shows. Dammit, he was cute.

What made me happy this week:

Beauty and the Beast -> Booty and the Beast

As of now, I can't be totally sure whether this applies to me or the loud, obnoxious lady that I had been talking to earlier today. Her name's Ms. Mandy of course. In any case, she happens to take her walks at about the exact time I take my dog out for his walk after I get home from another dreadful day of school, which by the way was especially so today. So I'm talking to my dog, and I'm quite sure he's annoyed with me, when out of nowhere Ms. Mandy jogs up to me. Hell, I don't even know where this lady lives.

"Jerry! Hey kid! How's school? Marist?" she rambles on, each time asking about school as if the answer is going to be any different.
"Good."
"You know my son Joey right? A grade above you, I believe" blah blah blah.

I swear this goes on for like 20 minutes before she begins talking to me about this alumni who now has a son at Marist, Randy, or some shit like that. I don't really know the kid, but I reply anyways, "Oh yeah, the hot guy."

Awkward silence.

Jogs off.

Smile.

I'm sure every once in a while you think about your future if you're still in school. I've always had some idea that my life was steered more towards fine arts, but I was and still am afraid that I'd never make it. Isn't there like some stupid 'crisis' going on in the artistic realm about not having enough people buying art? The problem's probably always been around, and I'm not saying that I really want tons of money for any art that I draw, sculpt, paint, whatever. I just don't want to end up on the street with nothing, y'know?

This past Thanksgiving, I got to know my aunt who sells her grandmother's artwork for shitloads. Her grammy was like some big time artist at the turn of the century-- anyways, I got to talking to her about my future, and I mentioned being a Curator. Suddenly, she bursted out, rambling on and on excitedly about all her connections. Win. WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN! I guess I'm so happy because I've never really been secure with my future, which can always change because I'm only a freshman in highschool.

I could talk about this for a while, but I really need to get to starting this essay that's due tomorrow. If I actually want to have a future I should probably start worrying about college now; connections later.

Ciao.

Who like to talk over webcams!

I'm hosting a room on Stickam if anyone wants to join me. Webcam is not necessary; you can just come to talk.

Okay, so how you do this...

Go to: http://www.stickam.com/whosLive.do?listType=live

Scroll through the people until you find a person who's picture has a guy holding a green alien with a sword. Click this picture. (Me.) Proceed to click on the live feed (if I'm up).

If I'm not up, send me a message (this is if you're a stickam member) and ask to be my friend.

Please come!

So... In the next few paragraphs, words or sentences, I'm going to try to tel l you all how I feel.

Hopelessness
Helplessness
Sadness

It's not like it had been the first time I had heard all those three words in that Health class. I knew what depression was. I knew what it felt like. I still know those three horrible words as if they had slept in my bed. I tell myself it'll get better, though it never does. I feel it now, and that's the reason I'm revisiting Oasis. I have to get this out; If I don't get it out here, my family will see the words pouring out of my head.

For a year maybe, I've been in denial of a purpose for life. I can't stand the sound of my voice or the sight of my face. Denial is what I live for. Everyday I wake up to myself, just myself. Everynight I sleep looking at the wall, alone. I tell myself I'm amazing, superior, friendly, though I know it's all fraudulent.

Why can't life be genuine? Why can't I feel comfortable ever? Why do I loathe myself?

Hi, Oasis. I'm back just to say hi. I was scrolling through debates on gaia when I remembered those days back in Oasismag when I bitched about anarchy, communism, and all that jazz. Just wonderin' how everyone's doing!

Man, Am I addicted to Margaret Cho! She is so god damn great! I love hearing from her about gay marriage and republicanism and conservatism. She keeps my attention. She's just so amazing. I want to send her a letter saying how much I love her acts. Here's a couple skits.

This one is one of her inspiration speeches...

And this one is just fucking hilarious...

She's just so amazing. I wish she would come to Atlanta, so I could see her. I don't think my parents would like her though... Heh...

I don't feel like typing out a bunch of shit, so here's a list of what's going on in my life...

1. I'm friends again with Eden. We got over our differences.