Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive... And stuff.

I decided to start telling people that I'm gay, for the sake of simplicity. I'm sick of being asked what "pansexual" means and a lot of people aren't satisfied with the "I don't have a label" answer. Plus, I'm not really attracted to girls anyways, as of right now. So whatever.

I still feel like the idea of me finding a boyfriend - you know - ever, is kind of hopeless. I mean, first they have to be cool, then they have to be open to the idea of dating a boy openly, THEN they have to be open to the idea of dating a boy without a penis, and a boy who is still thought of as a girl by half of the school, and with a female body, and dealing with my second puberty... Fun stuff. So at least for right now, it feels super-extra hopeless. Unless I manage to find another trans guy that's not straight. Which is doubtful.

Okay, so I have a friend who knows two, but they're with each other, so they don't count.

Also, I hate my chest more and more every day. I think it's getting bigger too. JOY. I wish they would just go away, poof, gone. But I've gotta wait, at least two years, because I'm pretty sure I've got to be 18, and plus, where am I gonna get the money from? It's stressful though, I've had them long enough, I want them gone NOW. I'm tired of worrying about their presence all of the time. DX; I'd totally take horrible ugly surgery scars over this. This is worse, although horrible ugly scars suck too.

Okay, I'm done ranting now.

~Ash.

Whether you accept reality or not.

That doesn't make it go away.

When we don't want to visit you

I hope you realize you did this to yourself.

And when we grow to spite you

I hope you realize that you did this to yourself.

And when we don't want to forgive you

once the guilt finally has reached you

I hope you realize what you've done to yourself.

You can't live your life blaming everything on everyone else. Leaving messes and refusing to pick them up.

It'll catch up to you eventually.

Maybe not now.

But later.

And you did it to yourself.

~Asher

Guess who woke up at 4 in the morning literally writhing in pain?

Thanks to my god damn ovaries.

First they send me on an emotional rollar coaster, and then they make it feel like I'm being eaten from the inside out.

I threw up this morning. DX

I can't wait until the things are gone. Or at least so overrun by testosterone that they don't do this crap to me anymore.

It's so ridiculous that there are so many people who would go through so much for a functioning pair, like infertile women and MTFs, and all I want is them gone. Heh.

Gah. Sometimes soon isn't soon enough. The other crap I can deal with for a while, like my voice and my chest and stuff. But not this.

Also, my cousin, the monkey. Narrowly avoided death the other day. He was going on about the fact that I have a vagina. YES I have a va-jay-jay. I know you're fortunate enough to not. But you can't measure a persons worth by what's between their legs. Seriously. He was doing it just to annoy me (he annoys the hell out of people, completely on purpose. Specifically me, and then wonders why I pick on him. Or don't want him in my room. Seriously.) but that was just going too far. I could pick on him about his disability, which I'm sure is a sore spot for him. But I don't. So what's his problem?

And I was talking about HRT and telling my grandparents yesterday and my sister is still being a stick in the mud. She's like "if you regret this don't come running to me" and I'm like "Do you really think I'd be going through all of this trouble... Which is a LOT. If I thought I was going to regret this?" I think she's just afraid of letting go of her idea of a sister. But seriously, weather she thinks of me as male or female doesn't change who I am. She'll figure that out eventually.

It's so hard to tell how people are affected by my coming out/transition thing though. Because for me it's just letting people know who I am, but for them, they've got to adjust like I'm a completely different person now. Even though I'm NOT. I mean, the only major change is me coming out of my shell that I was holed up in while marionetteing that girl they thought I was. So yeah. It's weird.

Anywho. It's snowing again! All of the snow like, melted. So snow is nice. Yay snow! As long as it doesn't snow for three days straight again. That would suck. YAY cabin fever! All over again!

Meh, I'm going to try not to curl up into a ball and die over the next few days. And try to kick away the bad-omen feeling of getting your period right on the new year. XD 2009 should be a good year. My resolution for this year is to not give up. Because giving up is for quitters. And nobody wants to be a quitter. Oh, and to come out to everyone. That too. Because they're gonna know sooner or later anyways. Oh, and I'm going to try this working out thing. So I'm not a skinny short thing for the rest of my life.

~Asher

I might have mentioned this already, but I don't think I have...

Okay, so my cousins are over, and my friend C, who is FTM was over the other day. My cousins have met her once before but that was a while ago. So my older cousin, Monkey (I've probably given him a nickname before but it's what I'm calling him for now.) remembers her as a "he" I guess. And my younger cousin, (who I shall title Jumbo Shrimp... Or JS for short.) doesn't.

Okay, so Monkey caught JS flirting with C. Which is cute in itself because JS is my adorable baby cousin. XD So Monkey is like "lol you're bi you were flirting with Ash's friend" and JS was like "I thought C was a girl!" and in her defense I'm like "Well, she IS. She's transgender like me but she's not officially "out" yet. But she's not exactly in the closet either." and so my cousin is like "See? She IS a girl!" (I thought it was nice that he didn't get weirded out or pause to think or anything, he just immediately took her as female, even if it was in defense of his alleged straightness. I also found it nice that my other cousin didn't argue otherwise. Haha, they're learning!)

XD I found the whole ordeal really funny. Though I still don't believe that JS is entirely straight, not because of that though, just, because... But he can call himself whatever he wants. X3

I get the feeling C didn't even notice she was being flirted with, it probably went way over her head. She's gonna look at me funny when I tell her.

And my sister is still trying to argue that I'm a girl. I think it's because she doesn't want to "lose" her sister. But it's not like I'm any different now than I was five minutes ago. And she'll get used to it eventually.

It excites me that my family is starting to get it now. Next step: School. Ha. ha. ha. THAT'LL be interesting.

I should do something though, especially since I should be starting HRT next year. (I can't get over how fortunate I am. I can hardly believe it myself. I keep thinking there's gotta be some kind of mega catch that'll pull me away from it last minute. But the only thing I can think of is my mom, and she's starting to get it too so...) My voice is gonna drop while I'm in school and I'm gonna look less and less like a girl and people are gonna want to know why. Probably teachers and kids from clubs mostly. (I'm sure it'll amuse my health teacher. Who is awesome. I should go up to him sometime and be like "Guess who is starting HRT soon?" and then he'd be like "No way!" and I'd be like "Yeah way!" and then we'd high-five. XD And then he'd proceed to make jokes about second puberties. Because that's what he does. Hey, it'd be really cool if he offered for me to come in as a guest speaker. And I'd be like "I get to get out of class AND educate clueless sophomores? YEAH!")

Oh look. Tangent. Fun times. Anyways. For some reason I had a really random sudden bout of depression for the last few days. Which doesn't make any sense because, my life is pretty damn awesome. I mean really. And could be a whole lot worse. I think it's anxiety from being around people all of the time. But I dunno. My major trigger has been my art. I suddenly think it's all horrible and that I'll never improve. Which is also ridiculous. I've locked everyone out of my room since last night and I'm feeling a little better. My room is a mega-mess though. DX I can't manage to motivate myself to clean it though. Maybe because I know my cousins will just mess it up again.

Done ranting now I think...

~Ash

Wheeee.

So my self esteem is made of FAIL. Like, I was confident about my art, at least somewhat. And now I hate it... GUH. And I feel like I'll never improve and whatnot. It kind of really sucks. ._. I feel better than I did yesterday though.

My cousins are still up, so is my sister, who is trying to insist that I'm a girl. 0w0 I tried explaining it to her, I don't think she gets it. It's getting really frustrating though. But my cousins stopped being as bad though. Although one of them keeps calling me "Ashford" on accident XD

I told my sister "what if you woke up tomorrow and you where in a boys body, but you were still the same person, you'd still be a girl right?" And she's like "yeah" and I asked her "So why can't I be a boy?" But guh... It's confusing.

It's so much harder with family than it is with friends. -_-;

Lets see.. What else?

Apparently my younger cousin (who I will call JS, short for Jumbo Shrimp.. XD) is bi. Like, he decided he was bi-curious a while ago, and then he decided he was straight, and now he decided that he's bi again. XD I can't pick on him for being indecisive about his sexuality though, because I'm 32890 times worse than him about it. In fact, I still haven't decided. I don't care too much though...

It's just frustrating that I want someone but I'm not attracted to anyone... At all. DX

Pshhhhhhhh.

Oh well.

~Ash

So my cousins are up for the holidays. One of them respects the transgender thing, the other one. Not so much. He keeps saying stuff like "Haha you don't have the parts" or "At least my chest isn't that big" (My aunt was picking on his moobs. XD) to try to prove that I'm a girl basically. And he still calls me my old name and she, which wouldn't be so bad but he's not even trying. He doesn't care. And I'm getting sick of it. And then he gets upset because I pick on him. And I mean, treat others the way you wish to be treated. Seriously. He's really pissing me off.

And my aunt is all like "he's brain damaged leave him alone." And he's dyslexic and he can't read, but I wasn't picking on him about that, and that's no reason for him to have absolutely 0 respect for me. Seriously.

And besides, I'm more of a man than he is, because unlike him, I don't need to use violence to make a point. He feels he does.

...I'll show him, and everyone else who ever doubted me sooner or later. They'll see.

I guess I'll just have to deal with being frustrated for now though...

~Ash

So a while back there was a Drama Club info meeting, and after it this kid was there, and we ending up confusing the stars outta him. (Yes, stars. Why? I dunno. But I like it.)

http://www.oasisjournals.com/2008/09/taken-up-a-new-pastime

So anyways, we had a half day yesterday and everyone's lunch was mixed up. I sat by myself because the people I normally sit with were probably just working through lunch or whatever.

So this kid, comes by and says "aren't you the girl that I thought was a boy?" And I'm like "I'm a boy" and he asks if he can sit there.

He says that he hasn't been to drama club, and is afraid of going back because they might shun him for leaving. I told him Drama Club would never do that, they'd be ecstatic to have more people.

I didn't feel like attempting to explain the transgender thing to him again so I dropped the subject. But before I did he did say that I said something about "pretending to be a boy because that's what kids at drama club do" and I told him I had never said that. And he did ask me if "Are you sure you're a boy?" and I just looked at him funny and nodded.

That's a weird question to ask someone. Sure there are people who aren't sure what they are. But people generally don't ask that kind of thing to a person they don't even know the name of. XD

He asked me if I was religious, I said "no" he, in a joking manner, lifts the cross on his necklace and says "the power of Christ compells you" I say "not really" I say something about not caring about other peoples religion as long as they leave me out of it, he says "Well you're entitled to your opinion... The bible says so." And I tell him "You can have your opinion too, but I don't need a book to tell me that." He drops the subject.

So we end up talking about video games and airsoft guns and little sisters. Stuff like that.

Also, it's been snowing since like, 2:00 yesterday. DX

WHEN WILL IT END!?

ALSO. Guess who has an appointment with an endocrinologist? ME! In February. (The day after valentines day) Isn't that awesome? I should be evaluated by then and everything. I feel so fortunate right now, I can't begin to explain.

But... I hope I'm not still single on valentines day. XD

Anyways, I'm done my blabber now.

Well actually, it wasn't that green to begin with, it was more of a green-grey-gold color. XD But now it's brown, like, dark chocolate brown. Plus red. Because that red shows through everything. I like it. It's only a couple of shades lighter than my original hair color. And if it fades, it'll probably fade to red, not green. So yay!

Also, what else? Ummm.. I'm doing kind of bad in my zoology class but I don't have any idea why, besides that I've been out a lot. Maybe it's because I forget to do homework a lot too. I dunno. I thought I was pretty on top of that. 0w0 I'll have to talk to my teacher I guess.

Also also, I have a research paper due tomorrow. I'm almost done mine but I'm not in the mood to finish it. 0w0... Maybe later.

Is there anything else...?

Not really.

Oh, I need ideas for stuff to draw, because I have none. If you suggest something cool I might do it. 8D

~Ash

Because I'm an impulsive dumbass

I dyed my hair green.

Now this was no simple feat mind you, I have very very dark hair. It looks black.

So I had to bleach it.

And it turned ORANGE.

Because I have red hair.

And better yet, since I had no idea what I was doing, it's patchy.

And then I put the green in it.

And I look like hedge...!

A mossy one.

Because it's kind of brown

It'd be funnier if it wasn't on my head. XD

So I'm going to have to hope it fades soon. Or at least give it a chance to rest from chemicals. And then dye it red or something.

ALSO.

Due to ice storm I have no school

It's kind of weird. 0w0

ALSO ALSO

I'm still really sick of people

but they're still at my house.

I might explode.

~Asher

So you may or may have not have heard about the ice storm that hit New England with COLD and doom. It knocked out a LOT of trees and therefore a LOT of power. The night of the storm all you could hear was the cracking and shattering of trees and ice.

I got lucky and my power is back on, but a lot of people aren't so lucky. Like my friends.

I'm feeling VERY anti-social lately mind you. Like stay away from me or I might rip your head off. I kind of wanted to spend this weekend by myself but no I'm not going to because I feel bad because they don't have power, some of them don't have heat or even running water. So I'm letting them sleepover.

I went to bed early last night though, to get away from them mostly. I had a weird dream. It was like I was in a videogame for one part, and then the weirder part, I dreamt I was Edward from Twilight. Now, I hate twilight. So this was really weird. It was brief though, because there was a football team or something acting REALLY gay on TV. (Like, litterally. Grabbing each others asses and stuff.) And Apple was there and was like "your TV is better than ours." and I was like "no it's not, my TV sucks"

.... Yeah. I don't get it either.

I also realized that I'm not incredibly attracted to females. (Although I'm not sure to what extent) Which makes sense sort of because I never really got the boob thing to begin with. But I kind of went full circle. Weird. But there are some girls that I'd almost date anyways because they're that amazing, but they're already taken anyways so it doesn't make a difference.

It also makes sense because I spent most of my time as a lesbian thinking "I'd do better as a gay man" XD;

Gawds, it's been like, 4 years and I still haven't figured out my sexuality while completely open to it. That's kind of funny actually. I don't care, I'll sort myself out eventually... Or maybe not. Whatever.

I also have ceased to care if I pass seamlessly as male. Ok, that's not true, I'd LOVE to pass seamlessly as male. But I decided that it's not worth wearing boring masculine clothes and having my hair the way I hate it and not wearing jewelry for. XD When I dress the way I like I look really androgynous. But whatever. I just have to inform people that I'm a guy. That's all.

My sister is coming up next week. I'm really excited to see her. I'm going to take pictures of her and take her to awesome places and basically spoil her for the holidays. XD

I wish we could keep her here. It's not fair that the only person who wants her in Florida is my mom. (My sister doesn't want to be down there.) but she has to stay down there because the court is really biased.

Oh, and in other news, I posted a journal on DA where my friends would see it about how I might be acting different or not showing up where I normally do for a while because I need to get away from myself. I made this as clear as I could and I think I explained myself pretty well. But Apple cried about it. GUH.

So now what am I supposed to do? She guilt tripped me for the whole thing and she's just going to guilt trip me more if I follow through with it.

Oh, and I'm positive she likes me more than she should, because A) she was crying over that. And B) she talks about me all of the time to her other friends. And C) She's always using excuses to have physical contact of sorts with me. And I hate it. She doesn't seem to get the reason I'll let my other friend (Who I'm going to call Pink, because it's her favorite color.) Pink lean on my shoulder but not her is because Pink doesn't overdo it. Pink LETS ME HAVE MY SPACE. Apple doesn't. And it's driving me UP THE WALL.

GUH.

I'm done complaining.

I think I'm just going to tell Apple outright that she needs to give me more space... Not like I haven't before, but maybe it'll sink in if I say it enough.

~Asher

I'm actually feeling pretty good this morning. Odd. I normally hate mornings. XD

I think I'm going to keep a tally of how many times I get called things like "that person" by people who don't know what to call me. XD

I started straightening my hair, on the upside, it looks awesome, in a really weird bedhead-type of way, downside is, it's slightly less masculine looking for some reason. And now I look REALLY androgynous. This doesn't bother me though, because I, for the first time like, ever, like how my hair looks. XD

But it's kind of funny when people who don't know me try to say something about me and go "...That person" due to not knowing which pronoun to use... For some reason I find this really amusing.

And now I have to go eat breakfast and make lunch or I will starve at school today....

Well, except for the pizza party my English class is having, but that's not until like, 1:30.

Yeah I know my Engilsh class kicks ass...

And for the record, no, we're not supposed to have pizza parties in the classroom. But my teacher is doing it anyways.

She also ordered CC(my mtf vegan friend.) and I a no-cheese veggie pizza. Which is awesome.

Seriously going now.

~Asher

P.S. I decided that I want to be called Asher. Like, officially. I was stuck between Asher and Liam for a while, but I think Liam is the name I stuck on this person who didn't want to be sure that he was a guy. Oh look, talking about myself in third person!

Crap! Stop blabbing Asher! You still need to eat!

*runs off*

Just a tad. (Pshh yeah right.)

But I honestly feel like I'll never find someone... And it's not just the trans thing. Because obviously transguys find people. Just, I don't. It's like all of the people I like aren't interested and all of the people who are interested are people I don't like.

It's like, I have this special ability of attracting all of the wrong people. Like, my last girlfriend wasn't good for me, and then she broke up with me so it didn't matter anyways... And Apple likes me, well, she did, I don't know if she still does, most likely she does though. (but she gets crushes on everyone. She really needs a local girlfriend, not like I can tell her that. She's been with her girlfriend online for like 2 years. Commendable I guess but it's like, not healthy.)

And yeah. That's it. Because I'm like, revolting or something.

The last two people I had a real crush on at all were both lesbians, and now they're together, with each other. Figures.

And now Apple is like "Since my girlfriend can't come to Junior prom you're going with me." Like I want to go with her. And I told her that I'm not. And said "what if I have a date" and she's like "not likely" and I'm like "Thanks for the support Apple." Apparently she meant that I never get crushes on anyone, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

*bangs head on desk*

Why is it that my stupid and naive friends and cousins can all seem to manage a feat that's damn near impossible for me...? Do I have to pretend I'm an idiot or something?

It's kind of stupid. I have all of the self-confidence in the world +2 until it comes to relationships and dating. Then it drops down to -0 and that's not even a number. I mean, I can stand in front of an audience and make a fool of myself. But I'm pathetic and hopeless when it comes to dating.

D:

And to top it all off, Thumbilina is stuck in my head.

I'm actually in an okay mood. But I feel like if anyone gets near me I'll tear their head off. But, I'm not like, in a bad mood. I just don't want to be near people.

Okay, I'm annoyed at A (Who I'm gonna call Apple... Because I can.) right now because she can't take a hint. And my hints haven't been subtle. I'm gonna just tell her "If you can't respect my personal space Apple, don't bother talking to me."... Maybe I won't be that blunt. She's so fragile, I feel like if I'm blunt with her she'll shatter into a billion pieces. I have a tendency to do that to people. Because I'm blunt. I don't mean to though, so I'm gonna try to not.

Okay, now Aladdin is stuck in my head.

Okay, also, my MAJOR pet peeve is when people set themselves up for failure. Like in woodworking class, we were freaking adding and subtracting fractions. It's WOODWORKING. DUH. And these kids are like "OH I HATE THIS CLASS BECAUSE I CAN'T DO MATH WAH WAH WAH" and I'm like "I'm not particularly fond of arithmetic either but you CAN do it if you quit whining and actually you know, used your brain for a few minutes." (Well I don't say exactly that but close.) I feel kind of bad for the teacher. He's doing his best and they're really annoying about it. This isn't 1st grade kiddies. But maybe you should be in it.

Well, not EVERYONE in the class is annoying. Just, you know, the annoying ones. There are actually two really cute people in that class too. But not like I'm going to ever get into a relationship with anyone you know, EVER. Because I suck... Or something. >_>;

I hate it when people set themselves up for failure. YOU CAN'T KNOW 'TILL YOU TRY SO GO OUT AND DO IT ALREADY. Geeze.

Also, this is kind of bugging me. So I'm just going to get it out. I don't want to offend anyone so if you're not comfortable with atheist rants or complaints then just don't read it. And don't say I didn't warn you. I'm just venting. Vents are supposed to be ramble-ish and ADD and sarcastic and whatnot. Okay? Okay.

Now, I don't have a problem with theist people. I mean, they can believe whatever they want right? And I respect their beliefs. I'm just kind of sick of it. Like the way you get sick of ice cream if you eat too much of it. This whole superstition thing.

For me, ever since I was little I was skeptic. Haha. (I blame my dad. :P ) Seriously. Like those stories they told me in Hebrew school about stuff. The whole god thing, the afterlife thing. I thought it was obvious that ghosts and luck and crap didn't exist. That was like unicorns and faeries. Duh. And the adults couldn't believe the stories they told me because they didn't believe that Beauty and the Beast actually happened did they? And it'd be ridiculous for adults to believe in that because it was such a silly concept. (For me anyways.)

Now that I'm older it's like. Come on people. Our bodies are just chemical machines. That's ALL they are. Sure, weird things happen sometimes, that aren't easy to explain. but that doesn't make it supernatural or magical or ghosts or aliens or crap. Human knowledge is still very limited. This stuff should be obvious to people but I guess they aren't comfortable with not having an explanation for something. And I guess by that same token you could say "Well if humans are so limited how do you know it's not ghosts?" and I guess you're right. But ghosts really don't make sense. Because as I said, chemical machines, very very complex machines, but machines none the less.

I can't even get close to thinking how a person is religious. Because I was brought up atheist, it just seems almost like a joke to me. A very serious, widespread, overdone joke.

Okay. Done ranting. don't bite my head off.

~Asher

Haha, now I'm all conflicted. But It's not in a bad way.

My mom called, apparently she took some books out of the library about transgender people. She wants to read up on it so she can try to understand me. And I just appreciate that SO much. That she's trying you know? It doesn't forgive all of the other stuff she's done. But I definitely appreciate it.

Sometimes people can surprise you I guess. :)

~Asher

I was glancing through the archives of the journals I've made on this site (scary place mind you.) And there are like, 23 pages of journals. Each of those pages have 15 journals on them (minus the last one, that one's got 14.) so that's 344 journals since my first one in 2006. :O I wrote it when I was 13. Don't read back that far though, you'll want to slap me... Or I want to slap me rather. But I always get that urge when reading old journals.

I guess I realized that I wrote on here a lot, but I never really wondered what the number was, and now it's like, whoa.

So this one makes 345 actually.

I dunno. Just felt like mentioning this rather than ranting on about my life.

...

I don't even want to know the total word count or page count (which would vary with formatting but still.) of all of that. It's probably astronomical. Like a rocket.

PSHHHHHHEWWWWWWWWW. (my impresson of the sound of a rocket whizzing by.... In case you didn't know what that was supposed to be. XD)

~Asher