Last week was a week of revelations and good conversations. I had a week off of dance and an obscene amount of time on my hands, so I did a lot of thinking.
A lot of thinking about... college. Naturally.
I've been thinking about going into education, and the more I think about it, the more it seems like a good idea. High school English and History teacher. Yeah.
But I came to a conclusion. I want to go to college and learn. I don't want to audition for anything, get into any special programs, nothing like that. I just want to learn and figure out my major and the rest of my life later.
And ever since I came to that conclusion, I have felt so much better about college. I am actually looking forward to the application process, as opposed to dreading it.
Who knew?

I am absolutely addicted to this song.

AND, major bonus, Alannah Myles is soooo hot. I love her voice too, she's so badass. Have you seen the video? Check it out on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut09zkRoG0g

SO amazing! Love love love.

Which used to be my break, like, a week ago.

But now I can hit it and sustain it. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

Next stop, Defying Gravity.

Although according to my voice teacher I have to work through 'Suddenly Seymour' and 'The Wizard and I' first.

That's me.

I like another guy. Who is recently single....

I think that I'm actually going to do something about this this time. I didn't say anything to the guy I liked last year, and I really regret that. But I think I'm going to say something to this guy. I'm thinking about asking him to prom. Is that weird, girls asking guys to prom? I don't know why I care, but still....

Not really sure. I was passing this kid in the hallway when I was on my way to choir and I heard this rather sinister mutter, "Dyke" (or something VERY similar to it) come from him. I don't know him, and I didn't see his face. There wasn't anyone next to him on his left and I was on his right, so if that is what he said, it was probably addressed to me....

It didn't really bother me, but I'm a little weirded out. I've never actually been called a dyke before. Not to my face anyway (or in passing in the hallway). It kind of surprised me.

Maybe I just fit the stereotype better now that my hair is short.

Or something.
Everyone's sick. Myself included. And I am coughing like crazy.

I watched CATS for the first time since about 5th grade today. It was pretty cool. Only like, 4 of the people didn't do their own singing. I hate it when that happens. But whoever does Jemima is AMAZING! I wish my head voice sounded like that. But it doesn't. So I belt instead.

I like belting.

I really want to see Step Up 2. The first one was really cool. The choreography was fantastic.

There goes the coughing again.

I think I'm going to go get some tea.

I don't care how comfortable people say they are, they need to be abolished. Those assholes who are trying to ban gay marriage need to focus on croc-bannage instead. They are a threat to good taste.

Anywho....

There was a really cute girl working at Hot Topic today. She had short brown hair, with orange bangs, and normally I really don't like orange, but she wore it well. She had a lip ring, and baggy jeans with tons of holes in them, and she was really cute. I tried to find something to buy so I could go talk to her, but I didn't need anything, and the shirt with the French Fries on it wasn't in my size. Sadness.

I want to throw a large object at my former best friend.

I'm going to McDonalds' for our winter formal with a few of my friends. I'm pretty stoked. I really love their cheeseburgers, I'm not going to lie. I know it's totally horrible and fattening and comes from crazy places but damn, it tastes good. I'm wearing fishnets and glittery red shoes. Oh yeah, and a dress. It's black.

I like black. Although that's pretty much the only color in my closet, which is frustrating, because it doesn't go with everything. So today I bought a gray shirt, just to vary it up a little.

I really like kd Lang. Her voice is absolutely gorgeous.

Idina Menzel is the most beautiful woman on the planet. I watched this video on Broadway.com of her at the Virgin Store in NYC, for the release of her new album, and she gave a little interview, and performed some of her new songs.... she's just so cool, real, and so stunning. And she writes her own music.

Yeah, that's all I've got. Have an enjoyable evening. :)

well, i broke up with her.
she just couldn't give me what i need. a relationship that's not a secret except to a select few people.
she seemed to be okay with it. i just told her we're in 2 completely different places with our sexuality. she didn't get mad. i don't know if she's putting on a really good "i'm fine" face or she doesn't care. maybe she wanted to say the same thing. maybe she knew it was coming.
i feel this crazy sense of liberation, like i can do whatever the hell i want now.
which feels horrible at the same time.

and i like someone else. who is committed. and was grilling me with questions about who i liked. and i wouldn't tell her and it was fun.

flirting with a girl before i broke up with my girlfriend.

i needed to end it. i did.

so why do i keep dwelling on it?

Is anyone addicted to America's Next Top Model and watching the fabulous Modelthon on VH1?
I friggin love Kim from cycle 5. She is so badass and so beautiful. She's the reason I started watching the show in the first place. She's awesome.
Yeah, I just felt the need to express my eternal love for a fantastic out gay model. :)
Peace out.

My girlfriend is straight. I'm her experiment. And I knew that when we started going out, she said that she liked me and that she'd considered dating girls. So by my definition I'm her experiment, and that bothers me. I thought I could work through that, but I'm having a really hard time with it. Only a few of my friends (and my parents) know that we're dating, as well as one friend of hers. And her sister. That's it. I thought that wouldn't bother me either, but it used to be her just not telling people. We were totally secretive about our relationship. Then she changed her relationship status on her Facebook to "In a Relationship." So naturally, all of her friends questioned her about this, and she told them she was in a relationship with a guy named Mike who goes to a different school. That has bothered me from the get-go.
This whole relationship is just one big lie. To everyone. I am out of the closet-- there are still people who don't know that I'm gay, but I don't hide that I am. If someone was to ask me if I was gay, I would say yes. It's not an issue for me. It is for her. It's a huge issue. I want to be able to tell people honestly that I am dating someone and who I am dating. I don't want to ask my girlfriend's permission before I tell someone.
I don't want to force her out of the closet though. Especially since she is, by her definition, straight. She likes dudes. I am her experiment. And even if she was considering coming out, I wouldn't push it. That takes time.
I don't know what to do. Every time we're together, we have a blast. She's so fun, and funny, and just a really amazing person. But I tell her I love her and it feels like my words are totally empty. I almost avoid kissing her sometimes (but that might be because it feels like she's eating my face when she does kiss me). I have to be careful with how much affection I show her.
I think I want to break up with her, but I just don't know. I really don't know.

Yeah, not such a good idea.
that is exactly what my girlfriend and i ended up doing last night. we made out in a parking lot of a bapist church near her house. and i was just about to take her home, and i gave her one more kiss, when this red SUV pulls up next to us. it didn't stop, but i don't know if the driver saw us or not. he just pulled out into the street.
maybe he was just turning around in the parking lot. but i am terrified that he was affiliated with the church and that maybe he wrote down my liscence number. Jesus, what could happen? i don't want something to happen to my girlfriend. she's not out of the closet. what if he saw us making out through my back window? AHH, i'm so scared!!! i cannot believe i was that stupid. A BAPIST CHURCH?????? IN THE MOST CONSERVATIVE CITY IN MICHIGAN?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!??!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? i just hope my girlfriend's okay. and that the person in the SUV didn't take any pictures and send them to the newspaper or something crazy like that.

One of my dreams, since I was nine, is to go to the University of Michigan. With their super amazing program....
That I honestly don't think I am smart enough to get into. I have fairly decent grades; I'm really good at Spanish, Band, Choir, and I'm okay in Science, and I've taken the advanced English course for my grade all three years that I've been in high school. I've done reasonably well in all three of those. My GPA at the end of my sophomore year was a 3.9, even though I ended up with a C+ in math.
Which brings me to my point: I hate math. I have been hating it since 3rd grade. I simply do not understand it and do not see its relevance. I figure if I know how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply, I will be okay. I am currently taking FST, that is, Functions, Statisitics, and Trigonometry. It is possibly the most tedious, horrible class I have ever taken. It makes positively no sense to me and it's really hard. I've got a C+ in the class right now, which I think is actually pretty good. I usually don't apply myself in math but because I want to go to U of M, I am this time. Also, my parents won't get off my ass about my FST grade. I'm just really scared, because this is the year that colleges look at, and U of M is really hard to get into... I want to go to the school of music. But what if I'm not even smart enough to go to the school of LS and A? What if my math grade completely brings me down? And my ACT scores? (I am not good at standardized testing.) I'm so frustrated. I have trouble applying myself and if I don't understand something, I don't want to do it. And I definitely don't want to do this.

I have a girlfriend.
It's rather exciting, really. The only thing is, she doesn't want to be public about it, and that's cool with me, it really is, but that means not telling people. She's really scared of what her friends and family will think because as far as they know, she's straight and has expressed a serious interest in guys. I'm the only girl she's ever liked.
I don't want to pressure her into anything she's not comfortable with. I don't want to ask her to come to terms with her sexuality and come out now. I wouldn't do that anyway. That's not fair. But I do want to be able to tell people eventually.
Alas, I must focus on the positive. She's so beautiful, and funny, and an incredible photographer. I'm so so so SO happy.

I am high off the scent of her hairspray.
I am gliding on air right now.
Homecoming was fricking amazing. I danced with her the whole night, and we slow danced to Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" (acoustic version) and we were so close. The rest of the world just fell away. I felt so alive. Her hair in my face, breathing, just taking her in. Oh.
She looked so beautiful. She's beautiful all the time, but tonight, oh my god. Wow. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
Apparently she's over the guy she likes, and apparently she's bi-curious, but no one gets over someone they like that fast.
I really hope that there's some small chance that she likes me back. And I wonder if she felt as alive as I did.

Welllllllll..... i told that other girl i used to like that i can't date her... and she was cool with that. She said that she was going to say the same thing.

Now i like this girl who is apparently bi-curious, according to her best friend. which is cool, yeah, but a) i don't know if it's true and b) i can't date anyone until after the fall play. (director's rules. breakups affect the performance, she says.) so if it's true, i definitely want to ask her out, and i really want to talk to her about it, but i've got to wait until november 18. i'm scared she'll say it's not true too. and apparently she gets the "i like you" vibe from me.

I lack subtlety. Big time.

:)