Now I get it why old oasis users would come back and write here, even if they haven't for months or years even.. because I'm doing the exact same thing. I think it "centers" me. I need my fix maaan hehe.

So the thing is, I'm possibly going a bit nuts. Not on a huge scale, like a pump me up with drugs and strap me down sorta way. Just like.. I feel restless, frustration in my gut, mind won't stop going over every bluddy thing in my life. Extra sensitive emo days are here to stay, like the time of the month feelings that won't go away. (I'm a poet and I didn't know it) Then not giving a rat's ass and then suddenly over-caring about things.

Okay.. so you get my intelligent thorough description of the mood I'm in right now. Feel free to let me know if you can relate.

Most of the coming out stuf is done. It's been over a while ago now. Went down a treat, everything was sweet. (could've been a rapper but my rhmyes just get crapper) *cringe* Okay stop me now. But now I'm waiting. I sent a coming out letter to my cousin who is "away". Now this guy is like my big brother right, very genuine nice guy.. complete homophobe though. So just a little anxious about his reaction.. He'll be back from being "away" in 16 days. I hope he gives me at least some sorta reassuring phone call before then. I feel like the shit might hit the fan this time round since every other coming out experience has gone down real smooth for me so I'm just preparing myself for that usual hurdle that always follows after things have been so frickin' swell. (story of my life!)

On a lighter note, I went out for dinner with the rellies last nite. Would've potentially been pretty boring besides the decent free meal I scored.. but hello christmas bonus, our table scored the very cute waitress! Gay? Very possible. Me being creepy? Very possible. Naaah I wasn't chucking out one liners and winking at her, religiously writing my email address on napkins or breathing heavily. Nothing like that. Just smiling and perving and analysing (as us homos are known to do). Thanks to my uncles embarassing ways (the expectation of getting superior service than anyone else in the restaurant), she ended up talking to us about what she could say in Japanese. She was very femme, the hair and personality and mannerisms just had gay written all over it though. I'm pretty sure we traded the 'family' look though.. but that could totally be me being creepy again. It was nice to have that 'floaty' feeling again, even if it was over something little and insignificant.

There ya go. That's a bit of the stuf I needed to get off my brain. I reckon I'll be okay, I'm sure my weird mood will pass.. and if it doesn't, I will most definetely be back! Woah don't get too excited there soldier.

It feels like I haven't written forever.. probably because I haven't. I've still been reading a lot of your journals though, just not knowing what I should write about anymore. I hope you still remember me :0

Things this year have been pretty sweet though, I'm not really as closeted these days and so I feel heaps confident about who I am now. I wouldn't say I'm 100% out but I guess I've come along way from the days of feeling like my mind was gonna explode if I kept hiding who I was any longer. I'm missing my backpacker girl a lot.. we talk everyday but it's obviously not enough. I really need to see her again, my goal is to save up and fly over to Canada and stay for a while and do the whole working overseas thing..

Jamie came over last night (my old buddy who surprised me earlier this year after telling me she was going out with a girl). She had to pick something up from my place, I hadn't seen her since she semi came out to me over the internet. I had this feeling in my gut that I didn't wanna see her for some reason.. she didn't come alone, her girlfriend was with her who I knew since she went to my school as well. It was good to see them in a way, but weird because I knew they were together. I don't think it was jealousy though, just a strange feeling I can't really put my finger on. They told me I should come to the weekly queer nite at this bar sometime (a memorable place for me since it was where backpacker girl first kissed me almost four months ago.. aww) I wouldn't mind being social again, but maybe not right now.

Oh I found out the cute lead singer from the local queercore band works in a store near me. I pretty much crapped my daks when I saw her at the checkout counter and slipped into the busier checkout queue, which confused my friend Tim quite a bit. I guess I freaked out because I wasn't sure if I would have pretended not to recognise her at the risk of her recognising me.. or having awkward small talk. So being me, I avoided the situation altogether and explained to Tim the story behind my strange actions after leaving the store. He, of course thought I was being stupid.

It feels swell to write here again so I hope to get back into it!

There was a backpacker girl
who rocked my world.
We cuddled in the moonlight
she was such a delight.
Everything felt right
'til she left me on her 10:55 flight.

Well well, it's been a while! I have news, I'm out to my sister! FINALLY! She just asked me directly if I was gay after a few other questions.. and I said yeah I am. She was all like 'aaah why didn't you tell me?' (I've been very gay in the past few weeks and seeing if she would notice.)

We'd been sort of dodging around the subject for quite sometime.. it was like I thought she knew that I knew she knew. And she did know that I knew she knew. She was just waiting for me to tell her! Get that? So after she'd had a few drinks.. I guess she finally had the guts to confront me. She was totally fine with it of course (pssh why do we make it such a big deal in our heads!) It felt kinda surreal, just finally being honest to her.. but it felt good. She said she had her suspicions for a long time but wanted me to be the one to tell her. And she admitted she was jealous that everyone else knew before she did.. I explained that it was hard for me, and yeah she got it. We discussed the parental issue and both agreed that it wasn't necessary for them to know that I dig chicks at this point.

So. There we were, on the balcony, she with cigarette in one hand, vodka in the other. Me, grin on face, phone in hand excitedly texting that I'm finally out to my sister. Our little sibling bonding moment that we probably will remember and smile back on. Of course the topic quickly moved onto her and her issues.. but that was okay with me, I got my piece in this time. Later I went out to grab some food and while I was gone, her boyfriend came home and found out also. I knew he'd be fine with it, even if he is your typical straight guy.. and he was, the dude even congratulated me. Ten out of ten for me I think.

My last entry was about how I came out to my good mate, Alex. It went fine but we didn't get to speak about it at all since I didn't see her for like five weeks after that day I told her. Was a bit worried that she would pretend that it never happened and it would be one of those awkward unspoken topics.. so I promised myself that I would bring it up when we hung out next. Well we caught up today and I'm very happy to say things are totally super dandy pants now.

Everything was normal when we met up, nothing had changed. She seemed a little nicer though, not giving me as much shit as usual. Yeah we have one of those diss-ya-but-I-love-ya friendships (doesn't everyone right?) I knew she wouldn't bring it up so I subtly attempted to once.. but that didn't work. The end of the day was approaching so I just decided to be blunt, probably the most blunt I've been in a long time. I just go "Hey dude are we just gonna pretend I didn't like come out to you a month ago?" She was a bit shocked and like "No! Of course not.. but what do you want me to say?" It was sweet because I knew she didn't want things to change or be awkward and make me feel uncomfortable, the reason why she probably didn't bring it up. She said she was cool with everything and I could say whatever I felt and not ever to feel the need to hold back. She asked me your usual text book coming out questions which of course I had the answers to (prepared and preheated since 2005 and re-useable in ever coming-out occasion). So everything is all good, I really get it now when people say how important communication is (even if I do suck at it most of the time).

Oh and I've been hanging out with an Oasis kid hehe. She's backpackin' over here.. well she's been over here for like three months. 'Hello!' if you're reading this :P We've been to see drag queens, drag kings and going to some queer places! Yes we're having a gay old time :D Who is it you ask..? Wouldn't you like to know ay? She might beat me up if I give away any more details! Ciao now :]

Oh my God.

Jamie just told me over msn she has been seeing a girl on and off for two years. Yes, Jamie.. you know the old best mate that I kinda used to sorta have a thing for. The one that I always thought was just open minded.. oh man. She was the second person I came out to through that letter over a year ago and I was freaking because I didn't know how she would react. (yeah it's all journalised if you can be bothered reading back) But wow I did not see this one coming at all! It makes me happy though.. for her and her girlfriend. I'm kinda just wow right now.. it all makes sense now. Her queer as folk and l word obsession.. how she went to the queer film festival more than I did. Holy.

I used to have my suspicions.. but only because I thought I was delusional from the crush I had on her. Now it makes me wonder what if you know.. what if she had felt the same way about me five years back. It's possible. Stupid to think about now.. but you know, this has kinda got me thinking. Not that I would be like 'oh hey I had the major hots for you when we were 15.' And hoping the answer would be 'same here'. Shit, no that would be way weird. Arr it makes me think back about every time we had a "moment", it wasn't just my imagination. Nah this is gonna drive me nuts now.. all I can do now is be happy for her. We're going to catch up though because I whined to her about my lack of queer peers. Just when I thought I was getting over our friendship and moving on.. it's funny how something like this can change things.

I'm kinda smiley, I'm sorta out on myspace now and I left a comment on an awesome local queercore band about their music. The lead singer/bassist left me a nice comment back, I know, not really a big deal but for me it was kinda cool. Ok ok yeah they're hot too ;] Can't wait to go see 'em live, it's a while away though!

I'm going to see a local band tonite, Alex is probably coming too. You know, the girl I came out to just a few days ago. I talked to her briefly on the phone yesterday and everything seems pretty normal. I can't bring anything queer up tonite, but if we're on our own, if she doesn't bring it up, I will. Just so we can talk about it openly (the whole point of coming out right?)

Nothing else to post about really.. oh I was in the liquor store the other day and the guy who served me was super friendly. He was young and asked me how old I was "out of curiosity" and then asked me what he should do with his hair. Kinda unexpected so I told him his hair looked fine, he winked, smiled and thanked me. I don't know how I should've taken that.. flirty or friendly? Not that it really matters.. I like friendly strangers though :]

Major coming out #2. Tim convinced me to come out to my friend Alex, who I've literally known forever. It scared me because she can be a little homophobic and she is just so oblivious about a lot of things, like, I look really gay and if I never told her, she'd still think I was the straightest straight in straight world. Ha.. lame. Anyway so this is how it happened...

*cue teenage pop punk intro music* (no not really, ew)

Me, Tim and Alex were hanging out at the almost empty skate park, sitting along the edge of the quarter pipe eating chocie bickies and talking. It was Monday, and I had been planning to tell her since Friday sort of.. so I sorta had this plan in my head on how to go about this 'coming out'. I knew I couldn't vocalise it, so my move was to send her a text message instead (yes I know, she was less than a metre away). I casually reach for my phone and find my pre-written message in my outbox folder and give it one more re-read just to make sure it is good enough:

I'm gay. Are we cool about it? If not.. you're a fucken tosser.
(can you tell I didn't want to make it a super serious situation?)

I squeeze Tim's arm and look at him with a worried inquisitive look, he understands my expression and nods. (he didn't know about my message plan though) I take a deep breath and press the send button. Alex's phone goes off almost immediately, she reaches for her phone and looks at me confused and goes "that was you wasn't it?" I looked at her wide eyed and suddenly there's a whole lot of screaming and crying! A little kid had stacked on his little scooter a few meters away and was sobbing his little heart out. Aw.. great timing little fucker. Alex with phone still in hand approaches the little boy to see if he's okay, I slide down the pipe and do the same. Tim refuses to move and remains seated (yeah, ex-skater suck it up attitude). Besides fresh drool patches on his pants, the little boy turns out fine.. but then I begin to freak out, I run up the pipe to where Tim is and cling onto him for dear life. Alex slowly walks over reading the message on her phone with a slightly confused expression on her face. My heart was pounding heaps fast and I was still wrapped around Tim and peeking over him to see Alex's reaction. She sat back down next to us and asked me if I was serious a couple of times. I told her I was and she was like "Oh my god why didn't you just tell me, you didn't have to send me a message" and she was all "I don't care, we've known each other forever". I was relieved, and I got teary (arr I hate getting emotional). She told me not to cry and so I wiped my face on Tim's hoodie, he didn't mind.

It felt surreal.. we went back to normal and didn't talk about it for long. I knew we were both still thinking about it though. We left soon after that and dropped her off at home and nothing else was said about the topic. Still I'm not sure how I feel, I mean it's good because the ball is in her court now. I've done my bit, I just hope it doesn't turn into a "it never happened" situation. I guess I'll see what happens the next time I see her, she might need time to digest the newly found information. But yay for me, it's done now :]

I wanted to come out to my sister by the end of the long easter weekend.. which means I only have one day left (no it's not just procrastination). We haven't had one on one time lately, her boyfriend is sort of living with us so he's always around now. He's an all-round pretty cool guy but last night was the first time I felt disgusted with him.

We all went to eat out at a small restaurant, really cool and classy joint. The waiter/owner brought out our food, he looked fairly butch but had an effeminate voice and manner. After he left, I saw my sister's boyfriend snigger and say a few things to my sister that the waiter was obviously a "poof" (your aussie/english equivalent to fag). I looked at them both, him in particular and said "guys don't be rude". I surprised myself because I said it in a fairly serious way, they were taken off guard by my reaction and shut up. Later on after we had finished eating, the waiter was back and collected our plates. My sister's boyfriend watched the waiter while he was serving other tables and then proceeded to do a stupid gay impression (lisp, hand actions and all). My sister did laugh but she playfully punched him. I pretended that I didn't see or hear what they were talking about and ignored them, I made sure I had on my slightly pissed off face too hehe. In the corner of my eye, I think my sister saw that I wasn't impressed by her boyfriend's behavior. And yeah she was right, I wasn't. I thought it was really immature and disrespectful to mock people especially in their environment when they have been nothing but awesomely nice to you. If racism isn't acceptable, I don't think homophobia should be either.. I don't see how they are different things.

I hate how straight guys think all gay guys are girly and weak, it's just a bloody stereotype.. there are a ton of gay guys out there who could kick his scrawny straight ass easy. And seriously, so what if your waiter is gay, is it really your concern that this stranger who is serving you food tonight is going home to fuck George or Georgia, or both? Is his sex life really relevant to your rice noodles right now? People are so stupid *smacks head*

So anyway.. coming out to my sister doesn't seem like a big deal the more I think about it, I'm almost convinced she already knows. I think the next step is just getting it out there in the open. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy.. but at least my confidence is building and I know it will eventually happen. I'm kinda just really tired of keeping it a secret and feeling sorry for myself because of it.. I'm the only one that can change things so what am I waiting for right.

Ok I need some input from you guys. I'm so sick of hiding who I am and I was thinking of editing my myspace honestly by putting what I really like. eg. boyish girls etc. But still just leaving my orientation blank.

I'm out to some friends on my list.. but not all, I don't really care if they see it though. I'm more concerned if somehow one of my cousins comes across it (nosey little bastards) then it'll leak out to my family which I'm not out to. It's not that I don't want them to know.. but is this a crap way of coming out? I thought it would be easier than sitting them down and explaining to them that I dig chicks (it just seems so dramatic). The myspace leakage way outs me and doesn't make it into a big deal hopefully so I can just reply yes if they ask if I am indeed a homo. The leakage could also lead to my close friend finding out too.. but I really am sick of giving a shit what people think anymore. Or do you think I need to personally tell people I'm close to before the whole world knows? Could leakage become a disaster plan and cause everyone to be angry at me for not being honest to them? I thought I'd ask fellow oasis kids before I go through with this. Help please!

Arrr I'm so dumb, that really hot queer film that I was going to go watch (see previous journal entry), the tickets have sold out already. Jamie and her mates already got tickets since they had a credit card so she said she'd let me know if anyone pulls out. Well Tim came with me to the queer film festival on the weekend to catch a series of short films made for kids our age. There was romance, drama and comedy rolled into 2 hours. It was pretty cool, there was a locally made doco about coming out and all that jazz which left me all feel-good happy (you know one of those 'yay I'm a gay' sort of moods). And it was sort of the first time being in a very gay atmosphere, I felt like I fitted you know? I'm happy I got to go to the festival this year at least once.. so if I miss out on the other film, I'll just catch it on dvd hehe. *sigh* Clea Duvall though dude.

It's weird because my friend Jamie has/is probably going to see more films at the festival than me.. and she's straight.. apparently but her myspace orientation is blank which I don't know if it means anything.. well when we were best mates, I did have a thing for her and she gave me vibes.. but it was probably because I'd read into stuff (as you do). I've been thinking about her lately and I miss her but I don't know if it's as a friend or what. Like I found an old mix tape and when I put it on, it sort of brought the old feelings back and memories and such. Then it made me wonder if she ever listened to those songs and thought about me and when we used to hang out. That nite when we were at school camp and we all went on a "scary" ghost tour and she didn't let go of my arm the whole time, I don't know how genuinely scared she was.. but I didn't question it just 'cause I liked having her close to me. Ah I'm such a memory lane type person, I think I keep all the memories that everyone else forgets.

Why hello. It's been a while.. not too much excitement going on at the moment. The queer film festival starts this weekend and I was kinda bummed thinking I didn't have any queer film goers to take advantage of such festivities with.. until my friend Jamie asked me to come along with her and others to see one of the films they're screening! Yay I thought it was really nice of her to ask since we hardly get to see each other anymore and me coming out to her last year hasn't made things any different (yep exactly how it should be). It's a few weeks away but I'm pretty excited, it'll kinda be my first openly gayish thing to do I guess. So anyway about the film, it's called Itty Bitty Titty Committee, looks awesome :D AND it has Clea Duvall (girl from But I'm a Cheerleader and numerous other things) in it! *grin* and she's like a rocker chick *bigger grin* You guys can see for yourself coz I found the trailer, I'll do my very first youtube embeddingment.. hope it works!

..retarded. Genius lyrics.

I have a crush on a girl. It's a stupid crush, not in a I-know-she's-straight way but in a I-like-you-but-you-don't-know-who-I-am way. I tend to have a lot of those. Ok so she's a bartender and I think she's queer.. it's likely, she sends very strong signals to my gaydar. You'd think I'd have at least ordered a drink from her a few times.. not even. I dreamily watch her when she comes to collect the empty glasses and empty the ash trays, like a geeky 14 year old boy would look out for the untouchable girl walking through the halls in high school. It's pretty pathetic really. Why does she have to be so gorgeous? Sometimes I think my mind got bored and decided to just make me obsess over something to keep me entertained. The first time I saw her, she came and stood right next to me and I didn't feel anything really. Now I can't go there without checking the bar to see if she is working on the night, then my mind does funny twisted things like convince me that she actually notices me. Stupid stupid. The bands aren't even that good, seeing her cute smile is worth going though.

Wow hot dyke on the tram I was just on! I think she noticed me when she got on :D Then silly people got in the way of my perving view. Then they got off and she was a metre away and I was like oh shit! *blush* I think we had eye contact.. erm we both had sunglasses on haha. Anyway just had to post that.

Hey the kids of oasis. I have much to write since it has been the time been when I have written. Haha that didn't make sense. I'll stop wasting writing space now.. How awesome is a nice bassy song, not doof doof but like bassy rockkk. I'm listening to the sexiest QOTSA song, I need to have this song playing and me walk into a room strutting my stuff in slow motion! Ok enough about other things.. more about me.

I went to the semi-gay bar again! Yay that was fun.. the chick who works there is totally hot and is totally on my gaydar and I reckon we had something there mate. But that could have been just me dillusional but I'm definetely going back there. Wow reminisicing right now. When we had eye contact I kinda acted like a little boy who just got busted and stared at the floor while playing with my hair. What a tool I am. Oh and a girl I saw last nite was gorgeously cute as well as the girl on the tram! Oh and the blonde girl at lights with the singlet so you could see parts of her tattoossss. Do watch Tank Girl, that movie has plenty of sexuallness about it, mainly because tank girl herself is sexy as.

Aww dude, remember that girl, Em (the first person who detected me on gaydar) she has stayed at my place twice the past week, with Tim and others of course. She got hit on by a girl in the bathroom of the bar we went to! I wasn't in the bathroom but she told us afterwards and she said she was like uh i gotta gooo.. I just laughed when she told the story, she is funny and her laugh is totally contagious. I have a liking to her (the friend way) and I don't think she has queer tendencies at all which is fine with me.

I saw my hot neighbour in the stairway the other day, I can tell she's shy, it's really cute. I wish you guys could see the scenery (of female species) here, it's fantastic. I love my inner suburbia! I'm hungry now, catch you in the journals later. Wait before you leave, I saw the neighbouring chick driving the car with the rainbow stickers and apparently she is ugly (Tim's words!) but I only saw her from the back at car speeds. Shit I almost forgot, I bought a rainbow belt today! It's awesome, the only rainbow thing I own so I gotta get used to the multicolorness of it all haha. But I have to keep it in hiding away from thebitch sister oops I mean nice sister. Ciao darlings.