I am okay. I just want to send this out into the world to someone else. Someone I can be more honest with.

It seems so strange to think that I am getting closer to B. I always think of M as my best friend but sometimes I just cannot talk to her, like I have a mental block stopping me, that isn't there with B. It isn't bad that I am close to B because I do love her very much it is just so stupid why I can't talk to M. But now that I am no longer in love with her, which seems strange to say now and mean it more completely than I ever would, all the love I had for her, it's gone. I still love M so much, but being in love with her just added this whole other level that I never thought would go away. But it is. So why can't I talk to her? This is the girl who I told I was sexually confused and that I was in love with her at the same time and who never once acted differently or stopped caring. I just wish we were alone because I want to tell her my secrets but we are never alone. Damn it.
*It feels weird referring to my friends as B and M, it reminds me of Gossip Girl.
*I sometimes feel like I don't belong.
*I am going to Italy in one month for the semester. I am so scared but I am excited.
*I wish things had worked out with M. Everyone loves a fairy tale. Especially me.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I would never love anyone as much as I love her.
Afterwards, I started making a list of what I now know:
I know that I was genuinely in love with her. This was established not by how much I loved her but by the fact that I wanted to kiss her and hug her and hold her so badly.
I know that she is not in love with me and she will never be. I have never been and will never be mad at her for that. It has caused me much sadness but never anger.
I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love her, even as much as I love him. I have placed her on a pedestal and as time passes, things will be different but she will always be my standard.
I know that everything I felt for her was not because I was in love with her. Not being able to be with her, does not change how much I love her or how much I care about her.
I know she loves me, because I am her best friend. When I first told her I loved her, she ended her letter by saying "love, love, love", which just makes me love her more.
I know that I love him very much and it is so wonderful to be able to say that I found a true gentleman.
I know that we will have a great life together.

I know that I am so incredibly lucky to have her and him in my life.

That's all I need.

Dear you,

I am going to start this by saying I am writing without any hope, without any motivation. I have wished so hard that by writing to you, I would be able to convince you that you should love me. That is not fair of me to expect you to change who you are, and so I write to oasis instead.

I dream about you nearly every night. I dream about kissing you or you kissing me but the whole time I am as disconnected with you as I am in real life. You are my best friend and I love every minute with you, but the closeness I want between us that will never happen creates a barrier between us as I will never be able to talk to you like I want to talk to you or tell you how much I truly love you.

I love you. I would do anything for you. You are the only anchor I have to this world. I feel so lost all the time and you are the one who makes me feel okay. Maybe it's because I know I will never have you, that I have fallen so deeply in love with you.

I can live the rest of my life and never feel that much love for anyone else. I can go the rest of my life and accept losing touch with my high school classmates, and my college classmates, but never you. I'll always need you, and it scares me so much to think this isn't what it is for you.

I don't know how to finish this, so I will stop here.

I started writing this on my e-mail journal as part of self-initiated therapy. This is only the first half. I was going to change the ending so that I got the girl, but even now that everything is out in the open, I can't even let myself have this fantasy. I will work on it, but anyway, here is part one.

want to be her. Every day, I am sitting on the couch when she comes in, and I always can tell immediately how she feels. Sometimes she'll give a hearty greeting, sometimes she will head straight to her room, but every time, my heart skips a beat and I hope that today was a good day.

I don't even remember how I first knew she was the one. We met on the first day of orientation and we were overjoyed to learn that both of us would be taking physics and we were both wanted to be math majors. We had class and we got to know each other and immediately I was smitten. I did not know very much about her but she was sweet and funny and utterly brilliant.

We got into a fight at the end of our class. I said something and she made a harsh retort, and I left. Then I didn't see her for a couple of days, but when I did, she was so glad to see me that I forgave her and maybe that was when I fell in love.

Nothing happened for a long time. Partly because I had a boyfriend, partly because I was trying to figure out who I was, and partly because I knew, just knew that she was straight enough to break my heart in two.

We became really good friends. We would have days where we didn't understand each other but other days we would spend our time together being silly and laughing. She loved me and I loved her.

For two years.

For two years I got to know her and realized how beautiful she was, how dedicated she was, how she could enter a room and everyone would just smile. I wasn't the only one that loved her, but even she had no idea, that I was so painstakingly, overwhelmingly, desperately-wishing-I-was-anyone-else-so-I-might-have-a-chance in love with her.

She knows I am in love with her and she still wants to be with my friend. She acts as if everything is normal. She smiles at me and lets me hug her and when I tell her I love her, she tells me loves me back.

All of this leads to me to believe she does not know how miserably and overwhelmingly I am in love with her. I keep trying to tell her and she is still so okay with it. The other night I dreamed about her and we were just dancing and I was so amazed at my luck that I was dancing with the girl of my dreams...

I wrote a couple of days ago and said that I was thinking about telling my boyfriend I am gay. I want to tell him in person because I know it will hurt him that I want to end things with him for the second time in two weeks, but then I talk to him and he just loves me so much and I can't.. I can't imagine doing it. I just can't. But I need to. I can't love her as much as I love her and not be gay. I can't have tried to fall in love with him as much as I did and not be at least partially gay.

He loves me so much.

I love her so much.

I think I might tell my boyfriend that I am gay.

I may be a little drunk so this might not make full sense, but that girl I have been talking about is sitting next to me, doing her homework, rocking out to her music, and she looks so beautiful. I try not to stare as she sings her songs and punches numbers into her calculator. I listen to the song "Hallelujah" by John Cale and I imagine, knowing this will never happen but let my sad miserable soul wish for a moment she was mine. She is perfect. If I could ask for the perfect girl, someone who is smart and funny, silly and beautiful, she would fit the criterion magically. Love is such a weird thing because I feel that no matter how hard you try, you will always end up loving someone more than they love you, and then vice versa, the person that loves you the most, you will not love, at least not as much. She is definitely the best friend I have ever had. She cares for me, and not because I care for her, but because she is truly interested in who I am and who I want to be. I don't know who I am but that doesn't matter, she still cares. And I sit her as she sniffles and punches numbers into her calculator and I wish, oh I wish, that she would look at me like I look at her, love me like I love her. I am resigned to be that friend, the one who keeps her feelings inside but is really driven mad by the feelings I hold inside.

My buzz is almost gone, but the feelings I have for her, will last forever.

So I had been stressing out about this letter all week long and every other thing in my life so I e-mailed her a different letter talking about everything that was going on my life. She e-mailed me back and it turns out, she hadn't even read the letter. Everything I had felt, everything I had thought were completely irrelevant. Anyway, she was so super sweet about the letter and thanked me and everything and told me she loved me too, ust you know, not in that way.

Haha, so funny.

I am always going to be in love with her. That's all there is to it. I told her how I feel and she has been wonderful and I hoped that would stop the feelings but I guess really I was just hoping she would tell me that she loved me back.

Flip.

This morning when she took a shower, I sneaked the letter into her room, and without running, ran away to class. I don't know when she read it but she has been friendly all day and is still speaking to me. We haven't talked and I kind of think we should but there's time later.

I wish that she had been the right one for me. I didn't talk about this in the letter, but she is so beautiful and sweet. She has a wonderful smile that melts me. She gets really tired and really goofy and I just want to hug her. She always knows how to do everything. She loves me so much as a friend. She held my hand once when we were watching TV, it was amazing.

I was/am so in love with her.

I wrote this for her. Now I know you are all thinking, "Letters are lame." That's true but if I don't do it like this, I will never do it.

I thought I would have a real Can’t Hardly Wait (one of my favorite movies) moment, and write you a letter. We have been friends for a long time now so this might be mildly unexpected, but I just wanted to tell you, as bluntly as I could, that I have been so in love with you pretty much since we met two years ago. To me, you are perfect. You are one of the smartest, kindest, best people I have ever met, and it drives me crazy that guys who actually have a chance sometimes can’t see you as I see you. Every day, I look forward to the moment when I get to see you and hang out with you and make you laugh.
As a friend, I love you so much. I have always tried hard to be a good friend, and regardless of the feelings I feel, I have never tried to be anything but your friend. The possibility of losing you as a friend is what has held me back from telling you this for so long.
I understand that what I am saying might offend you or disgust you, things between us might become very awkward, or worse… you might not want to be around me, but it was time to tell you. I hope this letter will be the first step towards recovery.
I don’t want to defend myself and I don’t want to be ashamed about how I feel so I am not going to apologize. Maybe I should… but you are someone worth falling in love with, and I hope you know that. You are someone worth risking it all for, even if it means we can’t be friends anymore. I want to be your friend… and if it takes some time for you to accept this, I will wait for you, as a friend.
If you would like to talk, let me know.

Sincerely,
Marie

Things are always so complicated. Complications I am facing at this moment:

1. I have a boyfriend.
2. She is straight.
3. Telling her could ruin our friendship or worse make things awkward.
4. The fact that I have been in love with her for two years will be extremely evident if I tell her how I feel now.
5. I love my boyfriend so much.

I will get over this soon, just need to talk it out for a while.

Dear mg,

I just wanted to tell you, as bluntly as I can, I am so in love with you and have been for longer than I can remember. I dream about you everyday and long to have something besides my dream to hold on to. You are perfect in every way. I wish that someday you would say the same.

Sincerely,
marie

I dreamed about her again. We were sitting on the couch watching TV with my boyfriend's dad. We were laying together and she tentatively kissed me to see what it was like. She pulled back and the implication was that there was no spark, she didn't feel what I felt. I was crestfallen.

I dreamed about her all last night. We were lounging around, like we do, and then one time, we kissed.

I am not in love with her, but maybe I am.

She loves me so much, but I know she is not in love with me.

I am dating a wonderful boy but I love her more.

These feelings blow.