Today was my first day back from break. I have a few new classes this semester and History is one of them. The teacher, Mr. D, is a d-bag. So he is explaining how the class will work and what not and then starts talking about our first chapter involving some anceint guy named Charlemange (sp?) and was talking about how he was all great and what not and then said something like "He was a hunk, if thats what the girls call it these days, but he wasn't into the women." And this kid, Jason who happens to be gay, in this class (my school's token fag. and I mean that as nice as possible) and this girl is like "oohh Jason!" and everyone laughs and then Mr. D said "Well that didn't help his greatness at all though" And I'm like woah! what? I don't think many other people heard it but I sure as hell did.

I. Hate. Homophobes.

Urgh... I have a feeling I might out myself in this class. And thats totally okay with me just as long as basketball is over, which will be like another month. Seriously, I'm not going to take that shit anymore. I'm so sick of being silent. If he or anyone in one of my classes makes a homophobic comment I'm going to say something.
And its sad that I never have before. I'm really ashamed of myself, I don't want to be someone who is closeted their entire life or doesn't speak their mind. Because its not like I live in a country where I will be burned on a stake if I speak out. This is America, although it isn't the best country, it does let me say what I want to and not be punished for it.

My Mom's here and is leaving tomorrow. Thankfully. I feel bad in a way about feeling that way, but then I don't because my Mom is one crazy bitch and has fucked up a portion of my life that I won't be able to get back. But if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be as strong as I am now and that is good and bad. I live with my Dad and when my Mom comes to visit I just like get really down. I've had a massive headache the past couple of days. I'm really tense around her. My Mom's Master (aka husband) carries a gun. Ya. Not cool. And he brought it to the FAMILY x-mas. There were little kids running around and everything. I honestly was afraid that he was going to pull it out and just start shooting everyone. And I don't even think its legal to carry a concealed weapon in this state, maybe in the South but not here. I hope they get in a wreck on the way home tomorrow and he dies. Atleast my Mom will get his Life Insurance then and won't be as miserable. The world would be a better place without this man in it. You know how people are all like "I don't hate. I dislike." Well fuck that shit. I hate him with a passion.

My Mom likes to play these mind games with me. She got me this calender with Lab dogs on it. She did it to try and make me feel like shit for moving to my dads because when I lived there we had Labs. And then she brought me this article from a newspaper about some of my friends on the basketball team from my old school. I knew exactly what she was doing and I called her out on it and she acted as if she didn't know what I was talking about.

My Dad went through my room today while I was at the x-mas party. You really wanna know what I fucking hate? Invasion of privacy. Don't go through my fucking shit. Its gotten to the point that I remember where everything is so I can tell when someone's been in my room. And thats how I know how he went through it. My Mom gave me a x-mas card with $200 (my present from her) and it was tucked behind some other cards on my desk shelf and when I get home today the cards are laying flat out on my desk totally off the shelf. Ugh.
I really don't like my parents right now. I wanna go over to Sarah's but I feel bad for going over there because all I will do is cry and rant about it. So instead I'm on here writing. I wish I had a choice on whether or not I wanted my life to be fucked up.

Came out on Myspace. I don't think it really counts though because I also put that I'm divorced, proud parent, am a body builder, african descent and am a Pimp. Oh well, atleast one thing is true. This may not seem like a big deal but it kinda is for me in a way.

My mom is here and I couldn't be more miserable. I was over at my Grandpa's house along with my brother and sisters. It sucked. I'm not going to think about that right now though and I'm not sure if thats a good idea to just put it out of my mind but oh well.

When we were there my Grandpa was trying to say that he is ambidexterus (sp?) and he said that he is bisexual instead. Yup. I love my old crazy grandpa. Lol

So yesterday at practice we were scrimmaging and someone cut me with their nails right between my middle and pointer finger. Like right where the 2 fingers meet at the bottom and make that U-shape. It hurts so bad. When I took a shower, shampoo got into it and I started crying. Yup. I'm so strong. But its like how little cuts hurt worse than big ones. (for example: Paper cuts)

I talked to my Mom today. I didn't even talk to her on Christmas. I just put that out of my mind for awhile though because I didn't want to ruin Christmas. She doesn't get cell phone signal at her house so I always make sure to call her when she is at work. I refuse to call her house phone because her master might answer and there is no way in hell I'm going to speak to him.

In other news Sarah is staying the night on New Years. I think we're just gonna have our own party up in my room. Mm good times.

Basics:
Name:
Some bitch named Miley Cyrus ruined it.

Date of Birth:
July 11

Birthplace:
Accidentally born at home..

Current Location:
My room

Eye Color:
Blue

Hair Color:
Auburn

Height:
5'5"

Heritage:
I think German, Irish and European? Idk I'm American so I'm basically a lil of everything

Piercings:
Yup. Ear lobes and cartelages. I want my eyebrow or nose done too.

Tattoos:
The day I turn 18

Favorite:
Band/Singer:
The Dresden Dolls, Evanescense, Pink, Ani Difranco, Paramore

Song:
Changes everyday...
"Dance" Lady Gaga. (Its so damn cetchy)

Movie:
But I'm a Cheerleader.

Disney Movie:
Shrek

TV show:
Don't watch it that much anymore

Color:
Yellow!

Food:
Cheesecake. Mashed potatoes

Pizza topping:
Ham and pinapple

Ice-Cream Flavor:
Strawberry

Drink (alcoholic):
I'm 16 so whatever I can get my hands on

Soda:
Root Beer

Store:
Charlotte Russe, Hot Topic

Clothing Brand:
Don't really have one, I buy what I like

Shoe Brand:
Converse!

Season:
Autumn

Month:
Don't really have one

Holiday/Festival:
Don't really have one

Flower:
Whatever looks pretty. I don't know their names

Make-Up Item:
Mascera (sp?) and Chapstick, thats really not makeup though I just hate chapped lips

Board game:
Aggravation

This or That
Sunny or rainy:
Depends.. I like both just depends on my mood

Chocolate or vanilla:
Strawberry

Fruit or veggie:
Fruits

Night or day:
Night.

Sour or sweet:
Sweet

Love or money:
Love.

Phone or in person:
Depends

Looks or personality:
Personality. Someones personality makes them more attractive. Their personality can make them ugly too though

Coffee or tea:
Cappiccinos, i do like sweet tea a lot though

Hot or cold:
cold

Your:
Goal for this year:
Make it better than last year. Get a girlfriend (not sure if that is really a goal though)

Most missed memory:
When I was young and didn't know how bad the world can really be

Best physical feature:
Idk eyes, abs, smile?

First thought waking up:
I don't want that dream to be over!

Hypothetical personality disorder:
Make things too complicated. Care too much

Preferred type of plastic surgery:
If it surgery will make you feel better about yourself or it helps you fit into your skin (transgendered people) then go for it

Sesame street alter ego:
Big Bird. Only cuz he's yellow

Fairytale alter ego:
?

Most stupid remark:
Probably asking teachers something they just said because I was talking and wasn't listening

Worst crime:
Speeding, underage drinking?

Greatest ambition:
To be truly happy and hopefully make others happy too.

Greatest fear:
Growing up to be like my Mom. Not being happy

Darkest secret:
I think I might be gay because of my past.

Favorite subject:
English! or Art

Strangest received gift:
A Blues Clues doll when I was 13 from my Grandma.

Worst habit:
Day dreaming all the time

Do You:
Smoke:
Nope. Tried it in 2nd grade and haven't smoke since.

Drink:
Socially.

Curse:
Hellz ya motha fucka.

Shower daily:
Mhmm.

Like thunderstorms:
If I'm in a house and not a trailer or car.

Dance in the rain:
Yep!

Sing:
Terribly but I still do anyways

Play an instrument:
I took guitar lessons over the summer and haven't really touched the guitar since basketball started :(

Get along with your parents:
Hmm. Its really complicated. But we have our moments where we get along great and then we can be ready to murder eachother.

Wish on stars:
I've never seen a shooting star and I really want too

Believe in fate:
In a sense.

Believe in love at first sight:
Lust yes. Like yes. But not heart stopping, crushing, powerful, head over heels, into the deep end love.

Can You:
Drive:
Yep!

Sew:
Somewhat. I can't use a machine though.

Cook:
Not so much from scratch. But if there are directions I think I could get buy.

Speak another language:
I'm in Spanish 1

Dance:
ehh. I'm not good but do it anyways

Sing:
Mhm

Touch your nose with your tongue:
Nope

Whistle:
Yup

Curl your tongue:
Mhm

Have You Ever:
Been Drunk:
Yup

Been Stoned/High:
Nope

Eaten Sushi:
Yup. I like some of it.

Been in Love:
No :(

Skipped school:
No. Its really hard to do that at my school cuz its so small and if you get caught you get suspended.

Made prank calls:
Oh ya

Sent someone a love letter:
No. I've written one but I didn't send it.

Stolen something:
Like my sisters clothes. I don't have the balls to steal from stores.

Cried yourself to sleep:
....Yeah.

Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person?
Closemindedness. Intolerance. Not seeing the other side of things because you're so set in your ways.

Are you right or left handed?
Left. I'm right hand retarded.

What is your bedtime?
Dont really have one.

Name three things you can't live without:
Music, Laughter, Love

What is the color of your room?
Red. I painted it by myself last winter.

Do you have any siblings?
Yup. 2 sisters 1 brother 1 step sister

Do you have any pets?
I have a dog in my house but I don't consider it mine because its really annoying and little

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?
I'd do it for free. You don't mess with people I love.

Are you for or against gay marriage?
Yes I would like to have my right to get married. Oh but wait! They had a majority vote against a minority and guess what happened?

What are your thoughts on abortion?
Im for it. Abortions are going to happen even if its not legal because coathangers aren't going away so why not make it safer so women aren't killed

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Mhmm

Are you afraid of the dark?
Yes.

How do you want to die?
Painlessly like in my sleep.

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?
idk a lot

Would you take a bullet for the one you love?
Yes.

What is the last law you’ve broken?
Speeding

In a Male/Female:
Hair color:
I have a soft spot for brunettes. Or like a dark color with some bright color like pink in it.

Eye color:
Whatever draws me in

Height:
Not too much taller or shorter than me.

Weight:
As long as I feel safe in their arms I'm good. But not overly over weight

Most important physical feature:
Smile. They should laugh a lot. And eyes. I like boobs too :)

Biggest turn-off:
Stupidity (theres a difference between stupidity and ignorance.)Closemindedness. Arrogance

Went to the mall today. Used some giftcards and bought pants and a studded belt. I also bought this really kick ass coat. It's black white and gray plaid and is like silk-y material. Totally won't keep me warm at all but I look good in it.
I also bought an Obama calender for 2009. My calender for 2008 is a countdown until Bush is out of office :) I almost bought a Sports Illustrated Magazine calender (the ones that have the girls almost naked) But I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I can totally appreciate a hot girl without a shirt on, but its slutty nonetheless when it's in a calender. And I'm not that into blonde bimbo's with fake boobs. I likes me a brunette with some cool Chucks. Ugh if only I were shallower then it would be easier to pick shirtless girls over an old black man.... (thats a joke. I love Obama)

Furthermore, why in the world doesn't any store sell Amanda Palmer's cd?? (If you don't know who that is you should be shot) Seriously, its ridiculous. (and i'm not even sure if I spelled that right) I really want this cd. I can't buy it off the internet cuz I don't have a credit card. I've downloaded some of her songs and I feel bad because I really like her music and I want to pay for her cd. See when I actually like a band or singer I buy their cd in hopes of discovering more awosme songs by them (Paramore and Ra for instance)

I just discovered today that I still have this week off and don't go back to school until the following Tuesday. So I go back on a 4 day week and don't have a Monday! I also discovered today that my Mom is coming up form MO on Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to seeing her. But thats another story.

I didn't get a white Christmas. Oh well, I guess I'll have to get used to it for when I move to California (yes I still hold onto that dream). I honestly don't even know if I'll celebrate Christmas when I'm older because its kinda hypocritical of me to celebrate it when I think its all bullshit. I have taken a liking to the "Hallmark cardness" of it if you get what I mean... *presents*

We took a lot of cute pictures today for my Mom. I bought this thing where all these picture frames are stuck together like one big picture frame collage. It looks cool. Its pictures of us all together and then ones of my nephews and then me and my sisters and whatnot.

I got Pink's new CD. And pajama pants and giftcards. Sarah got a laptop and I got a $50 giftcard to Barnes and Nobles so we said how we're gonna spend the day at B&N's with her laptop and drink Starbuck's all day. Should be fun. I really do want to go there so I can get new gay books. Ya know honestly this time last year I woulda been scared shitless to buy gay books and now when I do I'm like I hope some hot gay girl sees me buying these books and we majically fall in love and run off together and get married. (Because stuff like that actually happens. Duh) No but seriously, I think about how when I was more closeted than I am now and when I would go to B&N's I'd just happen to walk really fast through the LGBT section and pray that no one saw me.

Christmas is in 2 days. I'm not really excited. I only asked for giftcards and P!nks new cd. Which I know I got the cd because I was there when my sister bought it. Yay for suprises!

I had to get a new license today because I lost my other one... They won't let you smile in the picture so mine looks like a mug shot. And plus when I'm not smiling I look pissed off. I smile a lot though so oh well. I also had to push my bangs back so it looks like I have a fan on me. lol. So I look pretty hot. License pictures always suck.

I saw a little bit of an episode of Double Shot at Love. Fuck that shit. Those skanks sound just like the other nasty that had a show before them. (I don't like those shows cuz they are showing a really bad image of bisexual people and lgbt in general.) But sex sells. They're not even hot either. They look like drunk bimbo's. Seriously if you've seen this show you'd know what I'm talking about.

I got invited to a party last night. It was by people that I've only hung out with a couple of times. And the times we hung out we drank. I'm kinda over that shit right now. There was gonna be more than acohol at that party and I'm not into that stuff. The people that invited me have told me stories about what's happened other times they went to this persons house to party and they always ended with them passing out. I've never drank so much I passed out and I wanna keep it that way.

Bleh. So I spent my Friday night at home and babysat Aiden and watched some South of Nowhere episodes. Ever since he has been born I just wanna do some stuff right. Not be dumb for once.

At school yesterday I was in the bathroom with Sara and this girl walks in with a bunch of her friends. We were talking and she was like "Honestly I don't see how you can't be all over Miguel in Spanish." (Miguel is a foreign exchange student that is man-pretty and all the normal girls at my school would fuck him in a heartbeat. Just him and me sit at a table in Spanish class) Sara just looked at me and started laughing and walked out of the bathroom. Its times like that that make it funny to not be completly out. Cuz all I can think is, oh if only they knew.

I went and saw Twilight. It was alright but I wouldn't say it was the best movie ever. I haven't read the books so that might be it. Everyone talked about how hot it was when Edward sparkled in the sunlight and I'm like no it wasn't. But then again I'm a lesbian... I do think it would be pretty sweet to be able to climb trees like they did and run really really fast.

I had a basketball game last night against the county rival. We lost. I'm not suprised. I feel bad because theres girls on the team that take it seriously and I don't, yet I start. I had to guard a really hot girl last night. You'd think I'd be happy about that but I'm not really. I get distracted to easily enough as it is.

It snowed a lot here last night. Maybe about 3 inches. I wish it would've snowed tonight so tomorrow we wouldn't have school, or atleast get a two-hour delay. I can't wait for the first snow day. It was always my luck last year that the weather-person said it was going to snow a lot so I would stay up really late because I didn't think we would have school and then we ended up having it. Now that I have my license I'm kinda afraid to drive. I don't wanna get in a wreck especially when its freezing out. Plus it sucks having to go outside 15 minutes early to scrape the ice off your car and let it warm up.

My Thanksgiving went pretty well. It was just my imediate family there so I didn't hate anyone there that much. My friend Catie met one of her cousins for the first time today and he was hitting on her. I was like bwahahaha... EWWW!!!
I'm pretty sure I ate my body weight today. I'm afraid for practice tomorrow that I might throw up. Uck. We have a game on Saturday and I'm pissed about it. Like I really want to spend my Saturday night at some effin basketball game.

I love mashed potatoes.

My family didn't pray before we ate today and I'm glad. We're not very religious, thankfully. But my Dad believes in the morals of the church and not a god. I'm like I'd rather you believe in a higher power than "the morals that tell you to murder". Blah. I even made a comment at the table about Celebrating the Slaughter of the Indians.

Catie and I are going to go see Twilight tomorrow and maybe do some shopping if the crazy people that get up at 3am to go shopping left anything. I've never read the Twilight books before but this will be the second time Catie seen it and my first. I hope theres hot girls in it cuz the only thing I hear about it is how hot some guy in it is. :/ But Paramore has songs in it so I'll be happy.

This happened to me a few weeks ago but I haven't had time until now to get it all out..

I was in art class and I'm out to this girl named Jen. I'm sitting at her table with a guy who I'm not out to. Jen likes to call me dyke and was going crazy with saying shit about it. Matt got into it to because he thought it was a joke. But then Jen said something how I'm going to be a virgin forever and then Matt said how I never will be fully satisfied and he can fix that. And me being a dumbass was just like "haha shut up!"

It like hit me in the face that I didn't know what to do. Looking back on it I get pissed at myself because I didn't stick up for myself and say shit back to them. It was one of those times that you think about later on and say "I shoulda said this" or whatever ya know? I am never going to just sit there ever again.

I felt so targeted and vulnerable.

Honestly, the reason I play basketball is because I don't want to become physically weak. I need to have confidence in my body that in the event that I need to run away from some rapist murderer with an ax that I will be able too. I'm making up for something I lack emotionally.
I don't think that guy will ever do anything to "fix me" but it makes me sick knowing that there are bastards out there who would.

Obama won my state! I'm really surprised actually. But happy nonetheless.

I restrained myself from crying when I read on here that Prop 8 passed. It may be 7 states away (but who's counting?...) but I'm still super upset and pissed.

So T had her baby! He's gorgeous. 7lb 2 oz 18 inches. I'll try and post pics of us later when I get time. His name is Aiden.

Basketball sucks. It takes up most of my evening. I guess I've just got into a lazy habit that needs to be broken.

My mom is here since T had her baby and its weird. My dad and his wife and my mom under the same roof. They haven't fought, its just weird at times. We all had dinner together tonight and that was extra weird. I rarely see my parents together at the same time or at the same table even.

We talked on the phone for 1 hour and 8 minutes.
She kept trying to hang up so I could go study for a Bio test but I kept talking anyways. Then finally she was like alright we should really be hanging up right now and I was like wait I have to tell you something.
Her- "What is it?"
Me- "I don't want you to hate me. Will you love me no matter what?"
Her- "Of course... What is it?"

*silence*

Me- "I'm gay"

*even longer silence*

Me- "Did you hear me?"
Her-"I don't think so."
Me- "What?"
Her- "I don't think you are. You're too young to know. You might change your mind."
Me- "I'm not going to change my mind."
Her-" Well have you ever had sex with a girl?"
Me- "No."
Her- "Then how are you sure? You might change your mind."
Me-" Have YOU ever had sex with a girl?"
Her- "NO"
Me- "Then how do you know that you're not gay? There's a double standard. If it was normal to be gay and I said I was straight then it would be unnormal to be straight"
Her-" You better go study now."
Me- "Alright..."
Her-" Well I guess I love you either way."
Me- "I love you to."

Thats basically how it went. I'll remember that conversation forever. She also said some stuff about how a lot of teenage girls "feel that way" and how with what I've been through could affect the way I think.
I don't need her acceptance, just her to know and now she does.
I haven't cried yet. I felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders (its cliche, but true) I've come back down to earth now though. I still have to tell my Dad,but I don't know when. Its not like my parents talk or anything so mom won't tell him. T talked to her today and she didn't say anything about our conversation either.
She never said it was a phase, but she made it sound like she thought that's what it is. I haven't talked to her since then either. I'm going to let her call me.

I'm wasting time.
And this is different than procrastinating.
I'm wasting time not just right now, but in life also. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't even actually feel like I can say I don't want to live a certain way anymore because I haven't been living.
I want to live.
I want to be able to breathe freely.
I want to love openly.

I'm holding myself back. And that sucks because I can't point a finger at something and blame it. It's my fault it's like this.

I've written so many journals like this. But guess what? I keep writing them because afterwards I feel better, yet I still don't take action.
Why?
Because I am a coward.

***
I just tried call my Mom. It's around 7pm where she lives and around 8pm where I live 12 hours away.
She didn't answer. Probably eating dinner with her Master and my Grandma.
I was going to come out to her.
I've even told T that the next time I talk to Mom I'm going to tell her I'm gay. (I've committed myself now.) But T replied I don't give a fuck. Ya I noticed you don't give a fuck about anything or anyone but yourself.

I can't tell my Dad before I tell my Mom. She'll be even more upset. My parents are divorced and act like little kids. Bastards.
(that probably doesn't make sense unless your parents are divorced or hate each other)

I'm going to tell my Mom the next time I talk to her. Hopefully tonight. I don't need her approval, just her to know.