I'm sick :/ so instead of going out or doing anything really i stayed in my room took cold medicine, watched movies and ate chocolate. A good start to a weekend....

I guess I've been feeling a bit depressed and disconnected from everything else. My very best friend just got into a complicated relationship with a girl who just last year, he said he never wanted to see again. This guy deserves the best but I can't help but feel that she's just using him like she did before. But he's so in love it's almost sickening and I can't say anything b/c I also think part of my errr displeasure w/ this relationship is due to my own feelings. It's just annoying how he always goes off w/ her to fuck or do god knows what else. It's like where's J? O he went home early w/ G again -- shocker there. I know I'm just annoyed that he's not there to talk to anymore which is why I not ranting to anybody (real) about it but still its massively annoying. I do hope it works out for him though and if it doesn't I hope he doesn't get too hurt.

Anyways I just feel really lonely and the worst part is I don't want to do anything to change it. I'm at the point that I feel like any girl I am even remotely attracted to is straight. I honestly could be the anti-gayder if there is such a thing. Sooo that's just great and I'm very disillusioned with things in general. I mean I'm in freaking New York City, you would think their would be a few more lesbians hiding around somewhere but not so much, or I'm not looking in the right places which is true also.

Of course it's mostly my fault I'm not one of those intensely out and proud people. I'm not ashamed well maybe a little (see last post) but I'm not ready to join any groups I just can't and what? Would I go by myself --- I can't imagine anything more humiliating then going into a room full of lesbians...alone --- seeing as how I've meet like 3 during my whole life, two of which are old (Yes, I've been sheltered at least on the lesbian side of things)

It's just so much easier hanging around guys -- I don't have to feel awkward about talking and I they are just a lot easier to get along with. I feel like ever girl I like I end up just starring awkwardly at until she catches my eye and I quickly look away --- yeah I know major creepier move --- but w/e.
I want a change, I want to meet new people and go new places and just break out of my ordinary life.

What really annoys me is that I've heard so many freaking stories of people hooking up -- I mean I know I'm not the most beautiful person in the word and I guess I can be a bit socially awkward but not immensely so and I like to think I'm not entirely hideous. So I just don't understand why I can't find anyone to be with (This is mostly a rhetorical question as I kind of know the answer and I know this sounds really desperate and I apologize)

ooo and to put this in context. I friend requested this TA of one of my classes I really like and I'm betting she's straight.

I haven't been on here in a while, I guess I have just been really busy. I'm back at school, it'll be over a month now. My classes are going pretty well I love my screenwriting class. I think that's really what I want to do. But on the other hand, screen writers don't have much control over their story after its written so I'm not sure if I would be entirely happy just being a screen writer perhaps a producer as well? However career decisions are way off and the way the economy is going who knows what I'll be doing when I graduate.

In terms of girls --- ahhh, nothing new but I think I have come to terms with myself - in the sense that I'm still not entirely comfortable with my sexual identity. On some level I really hate being a lesbian, i hate the stupid stereotypes that go along with it and I hate the fact that I will never have anormal relationship. It just massively sucks (that's my rant for the day). I thought I had come to terms with all of this, but I don't think I have that and until I do I really can't be with anyone.

Wow I haven't been on here since the summer course I did way back in May.
I survived the course and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, now I'm back home until the end of Aug.

It's weird being back home after my first year of college, it's like I don't know how to act around my family anymore. I wouldn't call myself immature or anything but I've never been very adult like -- for lack of a better word -- and I feel that I now have to act more mature with my family, which is awkward to me.

I also didn't get a job for the summer so I'm literally doing nothing. I have way to much time on my hands and I think I'm going a bit crazy because of it.
I did buy a bunch of books from branes and noble to read though, i got through three: when you are engulfed in flames, north hanger abbey, and a room of one's own, and I'm currently reading the age of innocence.

I'm the type of person who always needs to be making future goals or planning for something and i feel that right now I'm stuck in the listless days of summer, hopefully come fall when I'm back at school I'll be more driven to do something.

I started my summer course today. I was pretty good, but I honestly don't know why I put myself through stuff like this. Ok so I love film, or more precisely tv and more specifically HBO. I want to produce tv shows for HBO. So why the heck am I so scared of this stupid, insignificant summer film class?
(Possible) Reasons:
1. Friends: i am working with very good friends who have never seen me use a camera or how I work creatively -- I have stress to live up to a certain standard -- but perhaps its a positive stress?
2. Camera: As much as I love film, I don't really care so much about what type of camera I use and so on. I would be perfectly happy using digital yet here I am learning how to load a film camera. I mean its interesting but there's so much to remember I'm afraid I won't be able to get it all. Cameras are to film majors what cars are to any typical male, and I don't know anything about either
3. Shorts- the class is six weeks, everyday monday through friday 9-6. We do 5 films each + 20 films per group = no sleep or social life, and possible mental breakdown by June 27th....and also the first panic attack I ever had was during my first film course, that was during the summer at the same university, i hope i don't have a repeat...
4. Director: umm so I am terribly afraid of public speaking, like i shut down and nothing happens and I hate telling people what to do.

So four reasons, sometimes I really don't know why i decided to major in this. I guess the reasons is that i really love it, I really do, in a masochistic sort of way. But unless i get over my insecurities I really don't see how I will survive in this industry.

That's my new facebook religion. Facebook religions are so interesting to me, what people put and why. I think it says a lot about our generation as a whole. A generation of extreme opposites, those who know (or think they know) and then those who put stupid, insignificant things like me to hide their true doubt.

I really have nothing against religion in fact I envy and respect people who have it, in certain instances of course. Those being, I have more respect for people who have struggled with their faith and have have doubted it then those who are just a product of their parents or their culture. My view on faith is basically what Kierkegaard says in Fear & Trembling: faith like life is struggle and full of anguish. You take a leap of faith in fear and trembling but by doing this your closer to god. I haven't done that yet, perhaps some day I will. I'm just so tired of being jaded and not caring, I want a cause, I want a god, or at least something t care about.

I gave up smoking today, for at the very least the summer and the very most for good. I was never really that addictive or anything, the only time it will be hard is when I'm out on the weekends. But its just a really stupid thing to do to your heath, i mean we only have 70-80 good years anyway so why shorten it. Anyways that's my main goal right now.

This year was so weird for me. I love the friends I made and such but i feel really lazy. I've always (at least partly) defined myself by my grades and this year my grades aren't bad but their certainly not good. It's just weird, I'm not gonna lie, I realize that the university I'm in is hard and I barely got in, the people (including my friends) are all just so smart sometimes it terrifies me to even speak or voice my opinions. I'm sure I'll get over it, i guess i already have for the most part, but it still lingers here and there.

I'll be staying here for the summer because I'm taking a sumer course, I plan to double major and to graduate on time, its summer classes for me. The regina spektor song summer in the city keeps playing through me head, such a beautiful song. Perhaps this summer will bring change, perhaps this summer will be unforgettable. I hate sounding so passive, but right now I'm just so tried from this year. I go right into sumer classes after my last exam, and i have no energy to try and make a change right now.

This is just late night rambling instead of studying for my psych exam.

Does anyone know if she's straight or not? I feel like she is but there's no information anywhere about her personal life or anything..
forgive me for being a major stalker :p

I've always thought dreams were significant to a person's unconscious thoughts and emotions but that its very hard to figure out someone else's dream because they are so personal.

So i had a dream. I can't really remember much except one scene that really stood out for me. Ok so (it's a little retard) I'm in cabin or some type of house and in a room with bunk-beds. I am on the bottom bunk and this girl is on the top, who had golden skin, like a light gold. It is also freezing in the room. We are covered in thin blankets yet both of us are cold, for some reason, though I can't tell, i know we are both naked, but at one point I do see her boobs. At another point she asks if she can lay with me because its cold, I say yes and then try to make out with her, but she stops me.

Now i don't remember the rest of the dream but do know it involved looking for this girl I kind of like.

i got this from a dream dictionary:

Bunk beds=To see bunk beds in your dream, represents childhood and innocence. Alternatively, it may refer to diverging and conflicting views of sexuality. You may have difficulties expressing your needs and desires.

cold=To dream that you are cold, indicates that you are experiencing a breakthrough in some area in your life. Alternatively, you may be feeling isolated. You sense of coldness could reflect your feelings about that person. The dream may also occur as a result of your immediate environment in which you are really feeling cold.

breasts=To see breasts in your dream, symbolizes primal nourishment and your need to be nursed and care for. It represent motherhood, nurturance, and infantile dependency. Alternatively, breasts represents sexual arousal and raw energy

gold skin=The golden color reflects your spiritual rewards, richness, refinement and enhancement of your surroundings.

Ok so I have been questioning my sexuality again as to whether I'm gay bi or even freaking straight. god questioning sucks so much, especially when you thought you were over and one with it.

bunk-beds then makes sense but I don't really understand what the rest of the dream means. See she doesn't let me kiss her, and cold means a breakthrough of some sorts but is it that I'm defiantly a lesbian or that I'm not? I can't be sure. Or alternatively -- bunk-beds also mean unable to express desires so does it just mean that I'm frustrated by the fact that I am not "out enough" and because of this feel isolated?
Anyone have any other idea?

OOO and I'm not deciding my whole sexual orientation based on a dream, just something to ponder about my subconscious.

I had such a weird weekend.

Ok so friday night was fairly normal. I went to this bar with a few friends, and this girl who i kind of like, L, came also which was cool. So that night was pretty chill but Saturday night was so freaking weird I can't wrap my mind around it.

Saturday night most of my friends decided to go to a comedy club, my friend M and I decided we didn't want to go and so we were going to wait for them and and then go out later. At about that time L (who i kind of like) calls me and invites me to this party at an upperclassman dorm. I'm really torn because on one hand, said girl, but on other hand -- party at a dorm and I can't get caught again (look back at pervious posts). Anyway M and I decide to go cause we figure we will just check it out and then head back after the rest of our friends finish the comedy thing.

When we first get to the party there's a massive flip cup tournament (which is actually a really retarded game). After that's over my other friends (at the comedy club) decide that they are tired and so J and I just decide to stay at this party instead of going back.

After the flip cup thing everyone just starts to drink (more) and then all of a sudden the room is pitch black and almost everyone starts dancing and making out -- it was so freaking weird mostly because all of a sudden it just happened out of the blue. One could only see the outlines of people dancing - but not the actual people it was really trippy.

And on a ironic note, the girl that I used to like (see pervious entries) was making out with the girl who told me she was straight. I'm pretty sure they were both drunk but still -- that's my life for you. These two girls were also dancing with another boy -- who i just met tonight but he seems pretty cool.

Anyways so while all this is going on L is now taking to retarded boy (he really is though -- typical pretentious film major) but a little bit after they finish talking and he leaves --- I start to talk to L, we are sitting in the dark -- our hands touch for a few moments then we pull away -- I'm pretty sure this was nothing thought because it was dark and we were both drunk. So then L and I chill outside and she tells me that she's mad because she likes the boy that the two drunk girls were dancing with, yep its wonderful hearing that.

This went on for quite a while until for some reason, I'm still not sure, my other friend comes in and says there's an RA outside when their really wasn't. I guess she said this to break up all the excess dancing/making out and such. I have no idea really why though -- possibly because L was upset -- but w/e -- it was just really weird and everyone, obviously starts to freak out. When we find out their isn't an RA the party reverts back to mayhem

So much later i leave the party with L , girl who told the RA story, and M, who I came with in the first place. After we leave M decides he wants to smoke -- at this point its 4 i the morning and we are all a bit drunk -- we then smoke outside our dorm, then go back in watch six feet under stoned and talk about the coming out process (because he's bi) and how its harder for guys then girls to come out ect.

But the whole party sat night was just so surreal and crazy, I felt like i was in a david lynch film. It was interesting watching the dynamics between the people because I knew who liked who and such and how they reacted to each other.

I'm pretty sure the girl I like is straight and I'm pretty sure the whole dark area instance was just both of us being drunk + darkness. I just wish i could remember exactly what happened like if she pulled her had away first or if I did or how we even got there in the first place, I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm just looking into it way to much, and I'm going to stop.

For the next few weeks I won't be doing much of anything except studying for finals so it was a good yet weird way to end the semester.

Not sure where I got that title from but it has to come from a book or movie..bible perhaps? Anyways yeah I feel just so swamped in everything, from school to friends, i just really shouldn't interact with people, Perhaps I'll leave the city and transfer to some crazy small liberal arts college in new england, i'll major in something harmless like english and spend my days writing (badly) by the ocean.

I really do feel lonely, which is such a sad emotion to feel because it's desperate, its even worse then that its pitiful. And I feel like I keep doing the same things over and over again, same parties, same classes, same people. Don't get me wrong I love my life and I'm incredibly lucky to be where I am. But all that just makes the whole situation even more depressing because I have no right to feel the way I do when there's people who don't even have a place to live in.

I just saw the film city of god, wow. No words for it, but everyone should check it out, its about drug wars outside rio. I also recently watched a terribly depressing episode of six feet under --- I should start watching happier tv shows i guess

I don't know what I really want -- I don't want to drink, I don't want to smoke, and I don't want to talk about it -- that's the problem it's like I'm paralyzed. I feel so guilty too -- I guess you could call it shame over my sexuality because it's just hitting me how much it will affect my family. One can say as much bull-shit as they want about how you have to live your own life and so on but it's not anger I'm afraid of (though I'm sure their will be some) it's disappointment and extreme, extreme sadness that I'm afraid.

I've been thinking that maybe one of the reasons, for lack of a better word, I don't put myself out there and attempt to meet people is for the very reason stated above. But then again I could just be using this as a coverup for why I really don't do that. There's obviously one very large reason why I don't, I but i think it's a lot more complex then I I want to think.

Has anyone hear seen the tv show err mini series terminal city, i guess its like the Canadian version of six feet under, it looks mad good and I can't find it in the states.

Anyways, school is winding down, and soon it will be summer and then fall again, god time goes by so very fast..reminds of an emily dickinson poem....

I've come up with the theory that I'm bound to eventually find some girl who I'm attracted too, who is actually gay eventually..haha in theory of course.

So I went to long island this weekend to visit a friend for 4/20 and I went there with the intention of coming out to her but I just couldn't She has become so very homophobic since going to that school. I mean there's different levels of being homophobic, there's the religious ones of course but then there's the just plain mean ones, like her. She's certainly not religious by any means, she's just an ass about it. I think its because of the people who hangs out with. She might visit me before school ends and perhaps I'll come out to her then.

But I did come out to one of my guy friends from back home who took it really well. I was really nervous to do it but I'm so glad I did because, he used to like me, and now there's no awkwardness between us and in a weird way I think we have become closer.

Hey everyone at Oasis!
I haven't written anything in a while sense my kind of break down a few weeks ago, and i thank you all for your kind words.

Honestly not much as happened since then, I started to see a consular which is good i guess. It took me a long time to actually see someone, because I have this idea that I'm really messed up but its very subtle so I wouldn't even know where to start. The sessions are ok, I think i am at least benefitting a little from them. Though I've never been one to completely open up and I'm sure it's going to take more than the 10 free ones they give out, but I guess its a start

As for anyone I'm interested in, yes there's a girl. She's straight (of course) but fine arts major so perhaps there's something there (I'm not holding my breath, and I'm no quite sure if I want to go for lunch with her, like she suggested). I know that if I wanted too if could totally just cut things off but I mean you never know. And i feel like if I get over this stupid crush we really could be good friends.

I'm just so tired of being attracted to people who are straight. I'm done being upset by this and I hate bitching to me friends about it, its just so wearisome.

Is it bad that lesbians just don't appeal to me. At first I though it was some intimacy issue and that I'm not gay at all, but I've fallen hard for girls, there's no way the emotions I felt could be from some twisted intimacy issue. And I'm just so attracted to girls, just straight girls I guess. I mean all the lesbians I know are so stereotypical or musical (not sure if that's a word or not) I'm trying to think if there's any actual lesbian I'm attracted too -- granted I know like 3). The whole thing is rather weird, and if I had a masochistic side, that's where it would come in.
But I think I'm at least improving because I did come out to said girl so at least that's out in the open and I don't have to worry about it.

On another note today I was kind of feeling depressed. It was overcast out, just not a nice day. And so I'm walking to meet a few friends for dinner and I'm just thinking how shitty it is I fall for straight girls blah blah blah. And then three things happened right after another that really made my day. First there's this homeless guy that I pass most days on my way to school. And he's so cute, he always in a good mood and asks everyone passing by how they are doing. Today he waved at me and I just had to smile. Then right after this I passed another homeless person (err that's nyc for you) and there was this man giving her money and I never see anyone giving her money. And third right after the homeless girl a man walked by with a huge crate of flowers. They just renewed my faith in humans if only for a little bit

I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I'm hurting the ones I love and its killing me, when I get back to college, in a week, I'm going to the counseling center and going to get help.

So I came back home today and when I got back my mom received a letter from my college about the alcohol thing, except there's a problem, it says that I did drugs too. Now for background the first time I got in trouble it smelled like pot but I was not charged for it only alcohol and my mom is going to call and ask about it, though she just might not.

I'm so depressed because I know it will hurt my mom like nothing else, it makes me sick to my stomach and tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. I don't know what to do, I hope for both our sakes she does not call. Its not like I have a drug problem or anything I have smoked twice in the last like 4 months granted its more because I’m not going to risk getting caught but I know my limits. I just hate hurting my mom. Today after she read the letter, I almost threw up and have felt light headed and dizzy all night. I don't think she'll believe that it wasn't me and while I do good in school, I don't do good enough for her to overlook this. And while this is not the case of my probelms it is the tipping point and I want to do something about it gets any worse

And I'm starting to think I might be depressed or have an anxiety disorder or something along those lines. Because I freak out over everything, I freak out every time I take a subway and while it hasn't stopped me yet, I'm sure it won't be long. I also have these random anxiety episodes, usually when I'm by myself at night and I became insanely irrational and feel like I can't breath and such. This has just gotten to the tipping point, I feel like I could break down at any moment.

I can't believe that midterms are over for me, its crazy. My freshman year of college is almost over, scary stuff. I think I'm doing pretty well. The only class I'm worried about is psych, the midterm was mad hard, but all the other ones i think i did fine on. My goal is to get two As and two B+s though if i screw up psych I might be in trouble...

So last fri I want to this bar with a bunch of my friends and it was so much fun!! And i got in the best conversation with one of my friends about why she is attracted to guys and why I'm attracted to girls ect.
It was light-hearted of course but very interesting none the less.

And that conversation got me thinking:
Why do i like girls?
1. sensitive, caring nature - I love having guy friends but they are sooo mellow, granted I don't like drama either but they they just shrug everything off as if its no big idea -- hehe i always feel like I'm over re-acting when i'm upset about something and taking about it with my guy friends
2. body -- kind of obvious right? just everything about a girl's body is so sexy, and they way they walk -- just so elegant -- they are gorgeous -- from their eyes to their smile to every other part of their body -- also the very aura of girls, their soft skin, the way they carry themselves ahhh
3. personality -- girls are just so caring and warm, and thoughtful, and best of all complicated -- i like a challenge, I like complex people -- and i love, love, love girls who appear a certain way, like way hipster girls, or business majors, or arty girls (who put on a front but are mad shy) that is the cutest thing everrrrr -- that shy smile makes my heart melt
3. clothes, style, ect: i'm a sucker for the old school or laid back prep (non-mall of course) and the arty girl, but not like full on, just aspects..

I know these make no sense at all and are basically combined but these are just random things I'm attracted too -- can you tell I don't have a girlfriend :p

As in actual gay news in my life, none, which of course is such a big shocker right? (sarcastic tone) Honestly I've realized that while i sometimes am lonely, and wish I could be with someone, right now I'm not ready to "come out" anymore. Next year i will force myself to join a group (blahh i don't want to but I see no other options --there are no lesbians here --and i feel like the only way I'll meet anyone is through one of those) So that's that, It would be pretty awesome to meet someone before that but w/e. I'm waiting for the molly to my shane if you know what i mean...

So guys I got written up by my ra for the second time and received a very harsh sanction and I'm going to try and appeal it, but I want your thoughts on this. I have to e-mail my reasons why:

I had a judiciary hearing on Feb. 27th for my second offense. At this hearing I was found responsible for alcohol consumption and excessive noise. The sanctions I received are: the informed choices class, probation and a call home to my parents.
The first time I got written up I received a written warning. While I admit I did drink alcohol and should receive some sort of sanction for this. I do not feel responsible for the noise violation being that it wasn't my dorm room, I was not notified that an RA came in before about the noise, and I was quietly talking with two friends for the night.
I also feel like the sanctions I received are two severe, for my second offense, especially because I only received a written warning the first time. I could understand having to take the class and receive either of the other two sanctions but all three seems, to me, a bit harsh. I also think the sanction I received is too severe in that I assumed from what I had learned about the judiciary process, that probation was an extreme sanction only used if students were written up more than three times. So I do not understand why I would receive it the second time along with the other two sanctions.
I’m not trying to victimize myself by any means, and I understand that I broke the rules regarding alcohol consumption and know that I deserve some sort of sanction for this. But I can't help feeling that because there have recently been so many alcohol cases, the sanctions I received from my case are being used as an example to prevent other people from drinking.
Thank you for your time,
Victoria C.

So do you think it sounds ok, convincing?
and if it sounds choppy in some parts its b/c i cut some stuff out
can we post our names and schools on this sight?? jw
(btw choices is a class about alcohol, and probation means the next time i get caught I could be kicked out of housing yikes!!

Damm those oscars are just soo patriarchal and make me so very mad.

And sadly I feel like I'm slowly turning into a hard core feminist blahh...its not that I don't want to be one its just that I've never been one to join/support causes..I'm the one who laughs at them.
And hard core feminists (or basically any activist) really annoy me

But onto the oscars: big 4
atonement
Juno
No country for old men
there will be blood

ummm winners for major categories : no country for old men and there will be blood -- amount of major/minor women roles in these two films: 0

I feel kind of guilty but I honestly have no desire to see these two films solely based on this fact. I know that sounds horrible right. Sometimes main stream media makes me so mad because it is so male dominated. Ever hear of a women winning an oscar for directing, its happened maybe twice, and perhaps five women have ever been nominated.

And you know who creates strong female roles usually -- MEN --- its so annoying, i can't even stand it.

Plus i was watching the show with five film guys, and no matter how "progressive" they think they are, I doubt they would ever really understand my rage at this. I should have been watching it with with my hippie friends smoking a joint and ranting hehe maybe next time.

And I'm so sick of the whole you should be the one to change it!! I'm in freaking film school and I'm perceptive enough to know how things work. I mean it makes sense men are usually more aggressive and bossy/obxnious so they are perfect to be directors but still.

There was a lot of LGBT or at least LG at the oscars, a short doc won on gay marriage which was great and the producer for old country thanked his partner which was very cute.

On another note --- good for Juno I'm glad it won for best original screenplay. I thought the dialogue did get a bit too over the top at some points but overall it was very well written