I hate how I have to write a 10 page paper on everything I learned in Chinese class last year and I only have a few weeks to do it. The fact that I found out about it last week makes it feel worse.

I feel really sad, all of a sudden, because of something I've been noticing. I think my best friend and I are growing apart. I'd love to say that it's because he's been working and I haven't been able to hang out with him, but I don't think it is. We just don't really talk like we used to. When we do talk, it seems like all we do is bitch about our problems. We don't joke around or talk about random things anymore. I kinda if its b/c of me being depressed so much.

Well school is on the fast approach. I have school supplies to buy, a paper to finish, and schedules to compare. Being a senior feels so... ugh. There's so much pressure.

well, whatever. I'm hungry D:

it's nearing the end of summer and GODDAMNIT I haven't done anything remotely interesting.

hey, wait a sec, wasn't this the general tone of my last journal?

well, um, anyway,

I'M GONNA GO WATCH INVADER ZIM. THEN MAKE BISCUITS. :DDDD

umm, don't ask about the title. it's a song by Mika Nakashima that I've been listening to non-stop. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGRTlNTMBms) o.0;

my head hurts. I've been thinking too much. mainly because school is on the horizon and I'm finally hit with the realization that:

-I'm a senior.
-I have to apply for college.
-I dunno what colleges to apply to.
-I'm not even sure about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
-I haven't gotten laid in a while. xD

so I have some more thinking to do. and boy troubles to deal with, yeesh D:<

why so serious~?

so today I saw The Dark Knight because peer pressure made me! :D it was good. unfortunately, I saw it with my parents. not exactly the best idea. my mom talks too much.

"OH MY GOD, THE JOKER IS SUCH A BAD MAN! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!"
"WAIT, WASN'T THAT GUY DEAD LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO?! ROFLOLMAO"
"HEATH LEDGER IS SO AMAZING! GOSH, WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?!"

Like mom... please... for the love of the GODS, WILL YOU JUST SHUSH?!

"RICKY WILL YOU STOP GETTING UP?!?!?! YOU'RE RUINING PEOPLES' MOVIEGOING EXPERIENCES!!!!"

*sigh*

Then we went to go bother my aunt while she was doing her homework. :D

In other news, I have to piss really bad. >.>;;;;;

so lately I've been wondering what it would be like if I became a drag performer. it's odd. I can't really imagine myself in a dress & wig with makeup on. but it looks like fun. don't mind me, I'm being weird. :P

so I've been meaning to post something but I haven't had anything to write about.

let's see... what have I been up to... *thinks*

umm, I've been developing my spiritual practice a bit, adding some new elements to the way I perform rituals and pray and such. it's pretty cool.

I'm (temporarily!) swearing off porn. why? well, to be honest, I'm not getting much out of it. it only reminds me of the sex I'm not having. sounds pathetic, I know. :P

that's it, I guess. talk later.

peace & love. <3

I lack a good thought-provoking title for this journal entry. ah well, it doesn't need it.

so I woke up at 1:30 AM and I stood awake for a 1/2 hour. for no good reason. well no, I had to piss really bad, but still...! so when I finally fell asleep again, I had such a weird dream... I was in this mall with my best friend, and I went to go get food at a stand, so she waited on this bench for me. as she's waiting (b/c the dream wasn't in my perspective, usually it is), this guy comes up and sits next to her and starts asking her about me. so I come back and the guy is still there (he was really cute and I've never seen him before) and I'm like who's this, my friend goes, "Oh his name is Diego and he says he's your new boyfriend!" And I'm like... Oh. Ok! And he puts his arm around me and stuff. Then I woke up, as usual. Quite an odd dream.

so tomorrow's my birthday! I turn 17. one year closer to being legal and free to leave this prison of a house! YES :D so on my birthday I'm going to be stuck in my house! b/c no one's free to do anything. but after my birthday I have loads of plans. thursday I'm going to go see mamma mia with a troupe of gay friends, friday I'm hanging out with my best friend, and saturday my friend Stacey is taking me out for my birthday, I'm excited because I haven't seen her in months!

so yeah. that's my life at the moment I guess. :>

So I'm back in the States (eww!) after spending 10 days on a tropical island. Puerto Rico's a great place. It's a place of tremendous beauty and rich in culture, and well I'm proud to say I'm Puerto Rican. But enough of that, on to the ramblings.

Everything feels so stagnant now. Even during the last few days in Puerto Rico, everything felt so dry, so dead. It's weird, I know I'm alive, I have a pulse, I'm breathing, I'm just not living. Nothing's happening.

I need to go out way more than I do now. I'm stuck in this house, doing nothing but playing games, watching TV, or writing scripts for videos. I need to get out of here, out of this stupid place where I have to act a certain way as to not arouse suspicion. I need someone to rouse my spirit out of this nothingness. I need some spontaneity. And God it would be great if I could get it all now.

But whatever, I'm not even sure of what I really want anymore.

I'm going to go block out my emo-ness by blasting loud heavy metal and headbanging, kthnx.

that's what I feel like I'm doing. mind you, we're only like, what? 2, 3 weeks into summer vacation? (at least for me, mine started June 10th.)

I feel like I should be working. Or hanging out with friends.

I'd rather hang out with my buddies, only problem is... they all have paying jobs. XD Funny, last summer, I was the one working everyday, and my friends were the ones stuck at home with nothing to do. Oh the irony...

So, in other news, A and I are talking again. I'm happy. Today we were talking about music and he sent me a bunch of songs, and I really liked them <3 I'm just so happy that this whole mess is behind us now. After that crap happened between us and we stopped talking, I missed him so much-- not because there was a chance of being with him romantically, but because of the time we spent together. I missed that, talking with someone who understood me, people watching with him, laughing at each other's jokes. He made me happy, simple as that. And then we made that one mistake that fucked everything up. But it's in the past, and I'm not letting that stop me from being A's friend. So I hope we can hang out soon, like before. Maybe watch a movie, do some people watching.

I'm so excited, I leave for Puerto Rico in *counts on his fingers* 6 days from now! God I can't wait to leave. It's going to be great, hopefully, if it doesn't rain or anything. I want to spend ample time at the beaches there, tropical beaches beat the Jersey shore any day. And I want to go to the Camuy caves again, I went on my last trip without a camera (a good camera anyway), so I missed out on all sorts of cool shots. I'd also like to hit one of the Taino Indian tribal parks, learn a little about my history... I've been researching the Taino culture's religious systems lately, so I want to learn a little more. And I want to visit at least one museum and the family graves (pay my respects). I think I'll get it all done, I do have 10 days there.

Then, when I come back, well... I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'd like to go to New York with some friends during the summer though. Do a little sightseeing, shopping... every time we go to New York, we always visit family. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but New York is such a great place that it seems that it seems wasteful to spend 2 hours there visiting family... especially after a 2 hour drive.

Warning! Short theological essay ahead! Brain damage may ensue.

My mother said a very funny thing to me today.

“You know there’s only one God, right? I know you’re curious about all those other religions... but there’s only One True God.”

She points to the crucifix and extends her arms to mimic the death of Christ.

My mother is right. Unfortunately, she is only half-right and limited in her view.

There is only one God. But God takes on many forms for all sorts of people.

Not very long ago, I disliked using the very word ‘God’ (with a capital ‘G’) because it embodied the Catholic Christian upbringing that had always terrorized me and mutilated my view of the Divine. So I used other terms, ‘Spirit’, ‘The Creator’, etc., which are fine to use, but they were terms that seemed unfamiliar to me. What I failed to understand was that ‘God’ did not belong to Christians. ‘God’ was not their possession to throw about and justify their hatred. Realizing this, I became more comfortable with using ‘God’; because ‘God’ is not a vengeful old man who will send me to Hell because I don’t follow a religious path that a bunch of people claim to be the One (and Only) True Way to the Divine. God is so much more than that.

For me, God is not only the Lord and Lady, the Divine Union. God is also the wildfire, the earth, the vast oceans, and the wide expanse of the sky. God is much more than my mother’s God, a vengeful old man sitting somewhere on a cloud, telling those punks down there in Hell to turn down their death metal music or He’s going to send His Son down there to fuck some shit up. God exists not only as Odin, or Zeus, or Pan, but also as Ata Bey, as Kali, as Isis. God is everything, but God is also apart from everything. God is the nucleus, the heart, the center of all that is, but God is also everything that is, ever was, and will be. God is many things to me. Sometimes God is a woman, manifested in the Earth beneath my feet and the Moon in the night sky above my head. Sometimes God is a man, illuminating the world with the power of the Sun. Sometimes God is a man with an elephant’s head and many arms. God will take on whatever form is most comfortable for you, but at heart, God is the one staring you back in the mirror.

You are a part of God. God is a part of you. Don’t ever forget it.

There is only one God. God has many masks, many faces, is present everywhere, and is the heart of all things. God is present in you, in me, in your friends, your family, and in the strangers that pass you by. God is never far away. Simply look within, and you will find the Divine Essence, the One, the All. God is unknowable, yet familiar, like a best friend you can call upon at any time. That is what God is to me.

What is God to you?

I'm afraid to ask you something very important.

I'm afraid to tell you about the way I feel.

I'm afraid because I don't know if things are going to be different.

The audacity of some people and their lack of concern for the environment... it really pisses me off.

To think, that people assume they can live an lifestyle that is disastrous for the environment with no repercussions. That people realize what they are doing is harmful, and they don't care. It astounds me, this lack of concern for the planet. I'll admit, I've never been 100% eco-conscious, I slip up. But I've gotten better, I choose things wisely, I avoid things that I know are harmful for Mother Earth.

We only have one planet, people. As much as scientists dream of colonizing Mars or the Moon, it's probably not going to happen. And why would you want to? The Earth is a beautiful, awe-inspiring place, when you look past all the destruction mankind is responsible for. Think about it... mysterious rainforests, lush valleys, deep oceans, creatures of all sorts, mountains that reach towards the heavens... all of that is at risk because of decisions we make every day. And it sickens me when people justify their destruction because "living eco-friendly is too hard", or when they outright refuse to admit that things like global warming or the North Pacific Trash Gyre (which is essentially a giant mass of plastic floating in the Pacific) actually exist.

Please, for the love of all things holy and righteous in this world, think about the things you do and how they'll affect the ecosystem, PLEASE!

what do you say to someone who apologizes to you months after they hurt you tremendously and now wants to start over? I haven't a clue. I mean, I put the situation behind me now, I'm over it. And now he comes along and apologizes, and wants to start over...

Part of me just wants to go with it, the other part tells me that not to trust him b/c he'll just hurt me all over again.

I have no idea of what to do. But I know for a fact that all my friends would be pissed if they found out I was hanging around him again.

I need a drink. Or a prayer. Whatever comes first, I guess.

junior year is over~!

I'm so happy. My last day in that hellhole of a school (OK it's not that bad I admit, but I still hate it) was yesterday. so I went in, sat through an awards ceremony (I was given a perfect conduct award, irony), got my fabulous yearbook, gave back texts, and said bye to some people I won't be seeing until September.

so I have a tiny bit of trepidation about next year... looking back, this year went by fast, so imagine next year! I hope I can keep up... but, it's still a few months away, so I'll worry about it then.

from time to time I wonder about certain things, I mean, we all do. like, what's the meaning of life, what's my destiny, etc.

today, during the car ride home, I started thinking about one question in particular:

why did Goddess make me gay?

if you're religious, you've probably wondered about this at one point. why did God/Goddess/Higher Power make me gay?

I have been taught that life in this world is an ongoing learning experience.
Knowing this, I believe that Goddess made me gay because she wanted to teach me about acceptance and self-confidence. to accept who I am without question, to become completely comfortable in my own skin.

"so, has it?" you ask.

coming out to myself taught me a great deal. when I look back to that span of time in 7th grade, when I was so afraid of myself, frightened by that boy staring me back in the mirror, and when I look at myself now, there's a big difference. I don't hate myself for being attracted to guys. I don't agonize over my friends finding out. I don't give a shit about people knowing at school.

but I still have a lot to learn, a lot more to experience. like, when I'm away from my parents, when I experience the real world for the first time out of their watchful eye, and I start doing "gayer" stuff, like partying and frequenting the Gayborhood, what will it be like? am I going to run and hide because I'm afraid no one will like me? or am I going to go in there and live it up? or when I meet someone, and we're out in public, am I going to let him hold me and kiss me, or will I be too afraid of people giving us dirty looks?

all that aside, I know that Goddess made me gay for a reason. my sexuality is a beautiful part of me that no one can take away, ever.