I just got back from a week long vacation in Nashville, TN,
far, far away from all the shit of everyday life. So tomorrow is gonna suck seeing as I have to return to my shithole of a school and I have to work late. Way too many other things going on to write about right now, I should be sleeping, but instead I'm doing laundry (woohoo).

I am officially completely 100% out to everyone at my job! Which means no more strange situations/conversations with coworkers when my bf is around. Really though it is a massive relief to not have to feel like I'm constantly watching my back, now the only peoples that don't know are my school which isn't even an option I can begin to dream about, and my dad/his wife and honestly I don't have an excuse for why they don't know other than an unfortunate lack of testicles on my behalf.
Must get off the internet in order to finally get down to writing the college application essays that I've been talking about doing for so long.

On Friday I kissed a guy for the first time. It was amazing, it wasn't fireworks or electricity or anything I had expected. It felt perfect, organic, as if it was the only thing mouths were ever meant to do.
Other than that life has been pretty mundane, I'm stressing about school and completing my college essays. My application to George mason is due by the first if I want scholarship consideration, which I most definitely do. My school is just ridiculous, every week we have 2 chapel services, which is bad enough on its own seeing as we only had one a week until this year. Anyway today we had a special chapel where the guys and girls were separated and we talked about "showing a Christlike example, and avoiding the appearance of evil". Basically what it boils down to is this, our soccer team has some rather obvious homoerotic tensions going on and their behavior towards one another has kinda leaked out into the rest of the student body. Its customary to see guys hugging each other all the time in the halls and during classes (girls too, but to a lesser extent). So some parents saw this going on and got freaked out and decided to complain to the school board. Essentially any touching between members of the same sex at all has been formally banned. I'm kind of disgusted, I was never one of the people doing this because it made me feel uncomfortable to hug guys that I knew were straight and rather homophobic, but now I want to hug absolutely everyone just because I've been told not to.
Considering all the things students are going through drugs, depression, bullying, etc. the fact that this the most trivial of issues is what they've decided to act upon is rather telling with regards to where their priorities are.
Other than general christian stupidity life is going rather well for me, I have a boyfriend, work is good and I'm doing alright in school, Although I should be doing Government and Math homework instead of writing on here, but I haven't written a decent journal entry in like forever so responsibilities can wait just a little longer.

I don' really know how this just happened, but I'm pretty sure I have a boyfriend...
A coworker of mine who i recently found out is gay just asked me out via the internet and after much indecision i went for it. Seeing as I have absolutely nothing going on as far as my love life is concerned I figure it really can't hurt to at least try it.
My only problem with the situation is that I'm really not attracted to him at all. He has a great personality and we make each other laugh all the time, I know that those are the kinds of things that are supposed to matter and I feel bad for overlooking them because of his appearance.
He really is a sweet guy and being shallow is dumb, I'll get over it and maybe even grow to see him differently. I'm still in shock to tell the truth, I guess I saw this coming I just didn't want to believe it. Maybe I should have said no,but odds are I'd end up regretting not taking the plunge.

So today I finally came out to my friend Chelsea. She moved away about a year and a half ago,but we've kept in touch. Even though we're really good friends there was always this tension because she liked me and I knew, but was too much of a coward to ever address the issue.
I was on facebook last night chatting with her when she finally admitted to having a crush on me and I just told her. She said that she had kind of figured that was the case and that she was glad I had been open with her. I am so happy that I've finally cleared the air, I feel as if we're closer than ever.

I only have a week before school so i really should be reading "pride and prejudice" right now. I have to read it over the summer for my English class and I've read 10 chapters out of 61. i can finish it by the 18th if i really really crack down and just do it, but obviously i haven't done that yet.
or i could be taking my online driver's ed class or doing the massive pile of dishes in the kitchen sink. instead I'm sitting here writing about not doing anything, how pathetic. Good news is that i don't have to work tomorrow so i will have plenty of time to actually get my shit together. anyway it's getting late so i guess I'm gonna do those dishes and go to bed.

Your shoulder brushes mine as we're walking down the hall... I am in ecstasy.
My mind flies off to some dreamt of world where we embrace.
For one fleeting eternal moment i surrender and fall into your arms, begging to never be free.
If only I could capture this instant, the tenderness in your eyes, the rapture on my face.
The flutter of eyelids, a heart rending flash of blindness and I realize that you've left me.
Colors fade to gray and my blood runs cold as I struggle to keep the last breath imbued with your scent buried in my lungs.

Almost all my dreams for the past week maybe 2 have involved this guy in my class. I never really had a crush on him or anything but i can't stop dreaming about him. these aren't even sex dreams. Most of them are more centered around love and intimacy than the actual act of sex itself. Anyway now that I can't stop dreaming about him I am beginning to develop feelings for him, which is ridiculous. we are good friends and everything, but he has a girlfriend. I've never seen her and as far as I know no one else has either, but that's not the point, He's never even hinted at being interested in me. even if i thought he was gay it wouldn't matter, because of the so called "family values" that my school is obsessed with I can't say anything to him unless i want to risk getting expelled which would really suck during my senior year. the worst part about these dreams is that they remind me that I'm alone and send me into a cloud of depression, but i will survive. I mean they're just dreams and i can't let them keep me down.anyway other than that things are going pretty good for me right now.I visited my dad and his wife's family in Rochester, NY last month which was lots of fun (still haven't come out to my dad though). I also visited Niagara falls while i was there, that was amazing literally beyond words. my job is in full swing now and I'm enjoying it. school starts in 19 days, and this year i am determined to stop ignoring all the neo-conservative christian shit constantly spewed in almost every class and say something (at least every once in a while). so that's basically everything that's going on with me right now.

My very best friend called me today in tears and rushed over to my house. her fiance had been cheating on her and had told her it was over. So I spent the better part of the last 4 hours comforting her and helping burn his love letters. On a completely different note, I just got a job at borders making coffee! I start in the begining of june. I am so sick of my school and all of the religion and ultra conservative politics subtly slipped into all my classes, not to mention all the homophobia.

I am soooo freaking happy to be out of the closet. i can finally be myself around my family and even my friends regardless of the fact that being gay can get me kicked out of school. Honestly i just don't give a fuck. Essentially my sexuality is the secret that everyone there knows about, they all knew way before i ever told anyone. As long as the faculty doesn't find out I should be fine. I've only got one more year so I'll live with it.

Hi, i haven't posted here in forever. mostly because i forgot my username. i came out to my mom and my brother about a month ago. she took it way better than i thought she would. actually she's bi. i still haven't told my dad and his wife but they sort of already know and it doesn't seem to be an issue. i still go to my ultra conservative school and plan to stick it out one more year. other than coming out nothing else all that exciting has happened.

hi, it's 1:30 A.M here in tennesee and i'm still up.
i've been staying here with my dad and his wife for the past two weeks, sadly i'm flying out to where i live in virginia in three hours.
my school got out alot earlier than all of the other schools in my area so i have to go back on the 18th which is next week, for those of you who don't know i'm forced to go to a private christian school.
my mom and her boyfriend who is living with us fight constantly. he hates me because he's a homophobic asshole (should i have censored that?) and has figured out that i'm gay somehow, my mom doesn't believe him though so i'm not quite catching hell for it from both of them, although my mom is constantly making comments about how disgusting and wrong it is to be gay and tells me that if i am i'm going to burn in hell.
so i'm dreading going back home and for good reason.
i would much rather live with my dad and his wife laura who i haven't come out to but seem to already know and are cool and accepting (her sister is a lesbian). i 'm going to move out here to go to college at vanderbilt but that's like two years from now and not to sound cliche or anything but i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.
anyway that's what's going on with me right now.
i guess i'm gonna try to get some sleep before i go to the airport, odds are that's not gonna happen.