When you're shopping online for mens-cut T-shirts, the default size is large. When you're shopping for women's T-shirts. the default size is small. When you're playing Rock Band and creating your own character, the default size for a man is maximum height, maximum weight--and he comes out looking tall and buff. On a woman, it defaults to just about the lowest possible height and weight--any taller and she looks out of proportion, and there's no flattering way to add weight: she's either rail-skinny or fat.

Am I overreacting, or do i sense a double standard here?

So I'm staying home on New Years. Meh. Just chillin'. Honestly, I don't feel like hanging out with my college friends today, I'm a bit fed up with them. It's just one of those groups where my niche is that of verbal punching bag. I mean, I love them to death, but just... it gets ridiculous sometimes. And I feel a little lame for staying in, but honestly... I really wanted to. I'm gonna chill at home, maybe work, maybe do some music, maybe watch X-Men: Evolution (yes, I'm a dork).

I just changed my facebook status to "is interested in: people. Fuck the binary." Because I still identify as lesbian, mostly... It's complicated. I'm attracted to both men and women in varying degrees so that it makes it difficult for me to actually label myself and it's really hard to express in Interested In, where there are only two damn checkboxes. Last year (or was it the year before that?) I came out on FB on New Years. So in that tradition... yeah. I've hidden my Interested In because it just seems to unspecific. I may get an SGO one of these days. But, yeah. Well I got a comment from a douchebag guy at my school, saying "YOU ARE SO PROGRESSIVE." Wow. Um. Okay, WHAT? Asshole! Christ. I mean, I get how my status could come out as a little overdramatic/attention-hungry, but... really? So currently, my status reads "is interested in: people, not checkboxes," which I think gives off less of the attention-hungry vibe, but... jesus christ, mr. douchbag. What do people think? Ought I to respond? Bitchslap him? Ignore it?

I'm sixteen today.

Woah. Dude.

Hmm... everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. In like six days. I have no idea! Raah!!! Help! Advice? Suggestions?

........Would it be really really skeevy if my Oasis birthday request was, like, smut? (Ruby, I'm looking at you...)

Putting aside for the moment the fact that I should be doing homework, and instead I'm sitting here listening to Renaissance madrigals and writing a journal entry... I love Oasis. I'm happy to be back. I stopped coming for a while just because of lack of time, I wasn't digging the journaling so much, that sort of thing... But I'm back, and it's fun. I'm not going to freak out about not having time to post journal entries: if I don't have the time, I won't. If I need to post a journal, get something off my chest, whatever whatever, then I will. (I've stopped keeping a regular paper journal--I still have a notebook, but I figure I'll only use it as a journal in severe, head-splodey emergencies.)

But seriously, you guys are very cool. It's funny to think that I feel like I know all of Oasis personally... But the regulars, the new people who are fast becoming regulars... This is a great place. A great support network. I trust Oasisians. (As far as I can tell, the only sketchy middle-aged man on this site is Jeff...) Sometime soon, I'll get down to the nitty-gritty updating-everyone-on-my-life. Until then, it's homework and random forum posts, and you guys are very cool. If anyone wants random conversation, it's super-fun, PM me, because more distractions are always welcome. Until then, I've gotta go help my dad buy our Pagan Bush. Much love!

Wow, this is awesome. Though our school's resident transman is sexier. Just sayin'... Still this song is very awesome. I love this dude. Why, why, why is androdgyny SO SEXY? Oh man. Aforementioned transguy. Ty. Just... it's hot. So hot. Fwee.

I GOT THREE DILDOES!!!

I'm sick. Gorramit. It was only a half day at school today, so I didn't miss much, but I did leave chamber choir with only two altos/one really-high-tenor when they sang for the faculty meeting today, so I feel bad... And I haven't done any of the work I was supposed to get done because I was too busy being snotty and miserable and easily distracted. Urgh. So now I'm off to research Emma Goldman and write 40 notecards and a thesis question without any actual sources because NYPL is so goddamn slow at shipping books. Joy.

I wish I were less sick. Being sick like this means you can't sleep right 'cause you wake up in the middle of the night because your throat is completely dry and you can't breathe through your nose. Everything is icky, breathing and speaking are hard, you've got to be hydrating 110% of the time, food isn't as good... SICKNESS SUCKS. And it doesn't help that I've gotta see friends, sing, and go to late night performances with the damn cold in the next few days.

Ooh, and answering the phone with no voice for all the random people who call for your mother in the middle of the day. I forgot that one. Though I think that was a telemarketer just then, so it's all good (they didn't leave a message). At least now I've got some college friends, so some of them are online in the middle of the day. I guess that's something.

Rawr. Someone should cure the common cold. I'll bake you cookies if you do!

Nah, no juicy gossip here, nothing about the very hot chick from [place] with [very awesome skill]. Though I've got one of those at music school... but that's for another journal entry.

I just want to say that I love talented people. Especially artistically talented people, and especially musically talented people. I love finding other musically talented people. I love speaking that language. I love when a 16-year-old is directing our choir, and he says to the sopranos, "oh, you're singing sol, the seventh of the minor scale," and everyone goes "huhh??" except me. I love the people you can throw sheet music at and they'll fucking sing the shit out of it. So maybe the title of this should read "I love talented musicians." I'm biased, so sue me.

But what's even better are the "secret" talented people. The really unassuming, modest ones. Some people you can tell from a mile off that they're a music genius/snob. But there are some people who can be the goofiest on earth, and when you hand them a piece of music, they'll sing every damn note spot on. They can be a dork and go around trying to throat-sing, and still be the best damn violinist you know. They can jump up and down and be an adorable gay man, they can be blind and lead crazy-ass full-body warm-ups that get your entire camp jumping and down like madpeople...

I miss living with 70 incredibly talented musicians.

I miss camp.

Groar.

Maybe listening through all of the camp music (the choral concert and everyone's compositions) wasn't so good for stemming the flow of nostalgia. Thhbt.

So I had a really fun evening going out with a bunch of college friends and ice skating and being a dork. And at the end of things it's just me and... let's call him L? L is this supercute and wonderful transguy a grade ahead of me. I had a thing for him last year, but he hardly had anything to do with me, and it gradually dissipated into me just being really really attracted to him (because he is soooo attractive nadfkjnakjnad). He's sorta taken me under his wing as his protoge in queerness, he's trying to make me into a chick magnet and teach me how to pick up chicks. 'Cause really, he gets a lot of chicks, he should know. And I'm sort of a lame who gets no chicks whatsoever. Seriously, I am unbelievably awkward with girls and in any sort of romantic situation. Well, L and I are sitting in this coffee shop after everyone else has left, and I'm a bit buzzed from skating and brownie and tea, and he's talking to me about his relationship issues. And I realize I'm a giggling like a schoolgirl and being dorkier than usual and sort of shivery/tremulous, the way I get when I'm nervous or having some big confession thing or something. (So basically, when I'm nervous.) So, is he just sort of an intimidating conversation partner who I don't know my way around and don't want to annoy, because he only just started being friendly towards me and I don't know how to react to him a lot of the time? Or: do I have a thing for him? Unghh that's just awkward, I don't know how to deal with this stuff, and I could theoretically ask him out/go out with him/something, because he's super-polyamorous, but just... I dunno. I'm uncomfortable enough with the whole idea of "relationship" (which I have had none of), I dunno if I'd want to get into that. Just because he can be a rather intimidating person, for all that he's cute and squishy and adorable. Plus I highly doubt he's interested in me, because I'm such a dork but also because I'm younger, but also because he seems to want to take a mentor position and help me find my wings and get my own girls. So... basically, I'm confused. And kind of fail. Urgghh. I think I'm gonna go write a fugue and go to sleep. Goodnight world.

Feedback appreciated. Not quite satisfied with the ending, I'm (possibly) looking to change it.

identity mad

any time i hear that song
i’m reminded of you.
this is no schoolgirl crush
on the cute boy in my class.
or maybe it is,
except this cute boy was once the cute girl
and he can do absolutely anything with his hair,
some days she wears earrings
and others he sports a tie and sticks stubble to his cheeks.
the song doesn’t conjure images of moonlit walks,
or of that one night we poured our souls out to each other…
i hear this song, i think of you singing it
and being SO
GODDAMNED
ATTRACTIVE
as you danced around in your dark jeans and absurd gloves.
the guy in the puffy black winter coat,
spinning in circles
and singing Grace Kelly
at the top of his lungs
in the village at 2AM
and not giving a shit what anyone else thinks of him.
though, i suppose not, i suppose that was a girls’ night out,
you didn’t have stubble on, you weren’t bound.
still, when that drunk guy came up to us,
the bunch of girls wandering around in the middle of the night,
you stepped up,
you were the man.
i guess you can do that whenever you need to.
i've never claimed to need a man,
but it makes me feel safe.
you’re strong, i think,
i know,
even though i've never gotten quite near enough,
but your arms are muscled for holding,
your shoulders are broad and solid for crying on.
i've seen it more than once.
it takes strength
to wrap elastic around your chest until it hurts
and keep going until your real self is visible,
and then,
through the pain and the extra layers
to deal with people who say that you’re delusional
or confused
or that you don’t exist.
is that why you exist so much?
why you’re so vibrant and full of life
even on the days when high school gets to you and you haven’t slept and you look like death?
i know
(or, i think i do)
how much you wish people would accept it,
use the right goddamn pronoun.
you come into school wearing blue eyeshadow and heels and stubble,
you tell us daily that the gender binary doesn’t matter.
i’ve asked you how the hell you label yourself
and you answered, “I don’t.”
you defy categorization.
maybe labels really don’t matter,
all that matters is living and loving
however you want.

that’s something i really need to learn.

I feel glum.

I've been missing my camp all year, a large amount. It was full of music and fun and wonderful people and it was a perfect place for me. But everyone I was really close to last year has already graduated the camp, and won't be coming back this summer. And I've facebooked some camp people, and they've consistently not replied to my wallposts. I'm paranoid, yes, but I'm starting to think that I'm that girl who, you went to camp with but you don't really like at all, and you just ignore their emails and attempts to get in touch with you hoping that they'll get discouraged and go away. It's all very acute because there's a girl from camp who I'm doing that to now. And I just don't... argh. These are really wonderful people. I want to be close to them. I miss them large amounts. And I also don't want to go back to camp and be friendless and alone. The music will be wonderful regardless, of course, but if I don't have the friends and the social aspect, and if I'm virtually alone all summer... argh.

Aww, memories... like how damn much I hate the mandatory title bar!!! Yaaaay!! Aww, it's good to be back. I've gotta wonder how much the membership of the site has changed since I vanished because of schoolwork and stuff like that. In general, I use my journal less, so I've needed to come on here less and less. But now I need some help, from some real people, so I'm popping back in for the moment at least to ask for some advice.

So my group of friends is very very close-knit, and we definitely think of ourselves as a family. We're also diverse, age-wise (and otherwise), and so a bunch of people graduated and went to college. This one weekend, a bunch of people came back, and we spent a bunch of time together. The first night, I had a new camera, and I was taking a lot of pictures and having fun. And one of my friends didn't like being photographed, and kept telling me not to take pictures of him. Well, we were goofing off and having fun and drew a pretty lewd labeled stick figure drawing of three of our friends who weren't there having gay sex. But it was all in good fun. I photographed the diagram and posted it on Facebook with the rest of the pictures.

So, one of the guys in the picture, who's in college now and who I look to a lot and was getting closer and closer too... he emails me and is REALLY fucking angry. Like, very very pissed. And so I send him an email apologizing profusely, saying that I'm just an idiot, I'm really really sorry, I didn't realize that this would be offensive because I don't offend easily and I see that now and I'm a dumbass, I didn't mean any disrespect, I'm really sorry. And he emails me (keep in mind, about three weeks later) saying that what I did was "unforgivable." That he didn't take issue with the content, but the fact that I posted it at all, despite my friend's warnings and requests to stop taking pictures (which was, I thought at the time and still think, just him not wanting me to photograph him). And he goes on to say how he expected better from me, that our relationship is based on him thinking I'm more mature than this, and refuses to except excuses like "she's just a kid," "she didn't know better," "it was a new camera..." He also got offended that I said I didn't find the picture offensive because I don't offend easily--he thinks I was calling him really thin-skinned. So, he says that things are NOT alright between us, he's going to do the closest thing within our circle of friends to severing ties with me. Or something like that. And I just goddamn don't get it. ARGH.

So, I don't really know what to say to this. And I can't exactly let it lie, because he comes in from college to see a school play on Thurs. or Fri. So... help, please? Any advice?

Not that I've ben posting all that much lately anyway ( a fact that makes me sad....) BUT: today I head off to 5 weeks of Composer's Camp in Dublin, New Hampshire. (Anyone who lives up there wanna come and visit meee? xD ) So, if you wanted an explanation for my absence (this time), you got it. I hope everyone has a superawesomefantastic July, and I'll be back reading your journals in August. MWAH!

hey.
so, I didn’t want either of us to go away without me having gotten this off my chest:

jesus Christ, you leave the fucking country without saying goodbye? I actually can’t believe you. in all of your hunter student intelligence, you couldn’t think of a way to actually say goodbye, something more than “sorry my parents flipped, I’ll send you letters, gotta go bye”? that is really not okay. you disappear off the face of the earth for two weeks, and then when I finally get to see you, … today was fucking hard for me. I’ve been breaking down all over the place for the last month, if you need proof of just how significant what I’m going through is. I’m sure it pales in comparison to your earth-shattering drama, but hey, it’s still what I feel, and its got me breaking down in tears twice a week and not eating and generally flipping out, so I reason it’s worth a fucking ounce of your time and energy, when I can have all this going on and still give you 110% (or however much of that you’ll let me). I’m not asking that much, if you’re using absolutely all of yourself to keep together. it’s common fucking courtesy. i feel a damn bit taken for granted right now. I won’t always be waiting around for when you deign to come to me, or when zach’s not around for you to be flirting with. but hey, i’ve stuck around thus far, because that’s what friends do.

this email is probably coming out harsher than I intended. I realize what you’re going through—or if not actually realize, i respect that you’re going through a LOT of heavy stuff. but that doesn’t give you a right to completely blow me off—friends are there for each other. sometimes there are lapses, of course, rough spots, but after a few weeks, they snap out of it. and a good friend will stand by and be there on the other side. but i feel like ive been waiting out a rough spot all year, and it’s getting fucking tiresome. you of all people should know that i hate being second string, a backup, being taken for granted by people i care about. but tonight, and every now and then, with you, i feel like I did when I was crushing on anna, for fuck’s sake. im sick of being kept in the dark and being a backup for zach. Im starting to like you when you’re with him less and less. its just insulting. i care about you as much as you care about zach. but you know what? im still there for my friends, i don’t bump any of them down, because I have fucking self control, which is something you need to learn. ive seen you use self control with a razor. try it here. and most importantly, I don’t bump down my friends because they’re there for me when I need them, so I’m there for them when they need me. they’re there when I call them fucking sobbing because I don’t know what to do with you because you’re hardly acknowledging that I exist, let alone that I care about you and want to help. you make me feel as if I’m totally unqualified because I’m not your love interest-slash-dark and brooding with my own deep dark problems, and that is completely fucking unfair.

I don’t know why I’m bringing all this up before we both leave, except that I felt like I had to. I would like very much if you replied soon, but mostly, I just want you to reply. think it over. write me at camp, I guess. i’m sorry if this came out sounding harsh—this is just a stream of consciousness email. and see what I said about, I do realize that you’re going through a lot, and I’m not trying to belittle it in anyway. this was sort of a detox for me to write. but I’m going to send it anyway because it’s true nonetheless. and know that I’ll be here if you want me, but not otherwise. you know that I love you and I want to always be there for you, but I need something in return, recognition, someone that I can lean on when I need to. so… please reply, eventually.

fly safe, be well.
--
so... what's the verdict? did i do the right thing? did i fuck up? was i really unfair to her? was that a very dumb decision? or was it my prerogative? AAAAAHHHH!!! now i'm wigging out that it was super unfair and that it'll really fuck with her... but another part of me feels very glad that i sent it. but i'll never really be alright until i get some sort of resolution, which probably won't happen cause she's going to fucking Hungary for a month. argh. i don't know. i dont know i dont know. i never know with her. she's so...ah. i don't know.