Why does it keep saying that I have a private message when I don't have a private message?

I just typed like a page and for God knows what reason a link got clicked so I went back and all that I have typed was gone :S

I haven't been ignoring you guys, it’s just that I believe everything I have to say is so typical that there really is no need to say it. That I should just keep everything pinned inside me because it’s all so hopelessly typically atypical that I should just suffer with it by myself. I do talk with relatives and what not but it never seems to help. I always feel something is wrong in some way. A lot of the times everything just seems so pointless. I don’t know why I wake up some days.

I suppose I’ll take some time to throw some feelings out here.

I don’t know how gay I am, and I believe there’s this guy who wants to “do stuff” with me on a totally non-committed level. He says that he’s available to do stuff if I want to but when I tell him I want it to mean something, cause it wouldn’t mean anything if I did it with him, he simply says that he used to think that way too. I’m not attracted to the guy in any way and he’s more of a, how do I label it, “total gay.” He’s one of those types of sexuality that simply is, there is no other way, comprehension of something else is not an option. He’s pretty much blatant about everything, and sometimes it’s stupid and pointless and just not worth the degree of effort he makes it. He’s also of a different religion, which affects a lot of his beliefs about things.

I told him that I wanted to watch a movie with him, cause I like him I do, I just don’t feel an ounce of sexual attraction towards him. Then I went and bought a dildo, out of impulse. Actually I’ve been meaning to try the fake deal before the real deal for some time I’d just never grown balls any bigger than my already small ones until that night. I tried it out, God it hurt like hell shoving that thing in there and then when I finally reinserted it (cause it hurt so much the first time I had to pull it out) it took but like two minutes to reach climax. For all the mess and pain I just didn’t think it was worth it.

So I was telling this guy about how I bought a dildo (before I used it) and he brought up FOR THE SECOND TIME that he was available and wouldn’t mind if I filled his, as he calls it, “friends with benefits,” title. For those who don’t know, that’s simply someone you can fuck around with for simple fucks sake, which is not what I’m about.

I didn’t exactly tell him this, cause I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but it wasn’t reassuring after all I’d said regarding my feelings for sex that at the end of our phone call he said “well just think about what I’ve told you.” Like my mind is going to change. He seems kind of desperate. I don’t even know if I want to watch that movie with him now. When I called him to mention the dildo he was caught off guard and thought I was going to ask another question, one he never revealed before he went on about him being available for coital experimentation.

Regarding my sexuality, I like to look at guys I do it all the time. I find them beautiful, most of them anyway, lol. The thing is I never imagine myself having sex with a guy. It’s always another guy having sex with another guy, it’s never me. After the disappointment I’ve had with a dildo I don’t know how I could take one up the ass and that’s only one of two holes a penis fits into on the male body, so it’d be best to put both to good use.

I’m starting to think I only crave a mad type of intimacy.

School sucks. I’m in college and thinking it’s a turning into a disappointment on my part. I’m not living up to the potential I know I can have and it shows. Around every corner something is not good enough or I’ve already done something wrong.

I’m doing ok though, that’s just not good enough.

Anyway I think I’ve typed enough. Give a shout if you agree to anything I’ve said.

I want to get some things written down. I'm not even pretyping this in word like I usually do, to check for errors and what not.

I'm a severe worry wart! Over the top. My sister gave me a great idea...get a second job, work more hours, and between those jobs, my impending internship, and school I won't have enough time to worry! Doesn't that sound great!?!? I mean I even have the motivation to do that now, besides the pay.

Anyway I had an awesome day today. I did great at work, and I actually enjoyed it. I got to spend time with my favorite aunt, so close she's like what my real mom should be like. We had a good time. I then spent time with good friend 1 for the first time in like two weeks and we had a great time as well.

I feel so good right now because I feel like I've got a game plan. Get a second job, worry less, take control! Of course its not that simple but I'll work something out.

Gosh...I need to stop for now though, I've got it all out of me for now.

Later.

Hey everyone,

It's been a long while since I've posted on here and I've been procrastinating... I just need to get something down and on the record.

For starters I'd like to say that although my last entry was written in what I consider a good way, it is UTTER crap. It is a pale reflection of what I am truly dealing with right now. So don't even go by my last journal entry. I'm find with Good Friend #1 right now. Fine as can be anyway.

Here's how I"m currently feeling I typed it up earlier.

I feel bogged down by my college classes not necessarily because they are difficult (though they kind of are) but because they constantly seem to remind me of what I don’t want. I don’t want to be an administrative assistant! Even the fact that I know what I don’t want to do is disappointing because I still don’t know what I want to do. Even if I could say I know what I want to do, which is something with psychology, what happens if that really does happen? Then I probably would still be unsure! The frailty of human nature is pretty repulsive to me right now. It’s only because were human I guess. I guess that’s why we’re weak, because we are the way we are.

I haven’t talked with any of my good guy friends in a while. I haven’t even seen them, that saddens me. I’m not even finding satisfaction in my every day relationships. It’s like they all require some kind of significance that I can only seem to find from my core friends, Good Friend 2, Good Friend 1, and Good Friend 3 and they’re not exactly at my right side right now. On top of that it’s not like they’re perfect in any way, so they’ve let me down somehow someway at sometime.

I’m honestly getting sick of my sexuality. I find myself dissatisfied after I relieve myself of sexual energy. Nothing seems to stimulate me either, no porn, no fond memory, no image; nothing makes my release feel good. I don’t even seem to want the intimacy of another person. I guess I feel like I can’t have it so why bother? Either way I can’t think of a single person I’d like to share myself with and every time I see someone attractive it only feels wrong because feelings of lust just aren’t what I want right now. For some reason, I keep at it though, like it’s going to make things feel good, like it always seemed to.

Even the fact that I have found this apparent state of openness about things doesn’t phase my feelings on life. I remember I always used to want to be an open book. I’m closer to that than I ever was and it doesn’t seem to matter in any way.

I’m starting to feel like the only significant thing I should strive for in my life has something to do with God; yet I just can’t seem to do what I need to do to be with him in a proper way. I feel like trying at it is a waste of time, like I’m ever going to read the bible? I think the best thing I’m going to do is pray and that’s not exactly status quo.

Then again maybe I don’t feel like it’s a waste of time, maybe it’s a subconscious thing? Maybe I’m afraid of the greatness I can achieve with myself through the reality of God? I mean…wouldn’t that be the human thing to do? Be afraid? I think there are just too many options to decide from but I know it’s one of them.

Gosh, I don’t know where to go from here. Maybe it’s because there isn’t much more to say? I don’t know and frankly it kind of pisses me off cause I’ve heard a lot about me having to start making my own choices and my own mind up so when am I really going to start doing it? It’s like these questions: what good are they? You could say they are food for thought but then what good are my conscious thoughts?

I don’t know…I’m just going to shut up right now.

That's what I've been feeling like lately. as of 9-3-08 anyway.

So if you have any questions, please ask, all I have to do is homework and socialize.

Hey guys, I typed this as a journal entry but did a word edit and changed names so it wouldn't be to revealing. I wanted to share it with ya'll. Hope to hear from ya.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 3:22 PM

Well a lot has happened and I must admit it’s not like I haven’t written about it it’s just that all the times I’ve written about the things I’ve written about it hasn’t been in the best of detail or to the exact way I’d like to specify things. Then I’ve ended up talking about it with people too.

I finally had a talk with Good friend # 1 about basically everything that was on my mind. I talked with him about so much. About his dad, J, his running from his problems and the ways he does it, about how he doesn’t seem to be able to see both sides of every situation, then about me and my problems. Such as the fact that he doesn’t seem to be very sensitive about things that may bother me. I think he even proved that b y some of the things he said while we were talking. I finally told Good friend # 1 why I started showering when we were in P.E. He was surprised, I guess it had never crossed his mind. God, I even told him that I wish I could see him naked, just so I could see him as a whole. Good friend # 1 was like, with a laughing smile on his face, Well D. that’s never going to happen. He repeated that at least once or twice.

I also found out that Good friend # 1 had a “contest” with Friend of good friend #1. That contest being to see who could cum the quickest, Good friend # 1 even told me how quick he came, a little over a minute, and how long it took Friend of good friend #1, a little over two minutes. As much as I like to know about the sexual things Good friend # 1 does with other guys I’d like to know why he could do things like that with Friend of good friend #1 and not guys like me. Besides the fact that I’m gay and would enjoy it. I’m not going to ask though because I think I already know the answer. Friend of good friend #1 is probably just better than me, in Good friend # 1s way. Like the viewpoint Good friend # 1 has of me is significantly different than that he has of Friend of good friend #1 and not in a better way.

I sometimes feel like no matter where I am with Good friend # 1 in our friendship I’m always last and it just makes me feel low. Sometimes it makes me feel so low and frustrated that I just wished I could instantly get what I wanted/need from Good friend # 1 and just be done and over with him. I’m serious too. I think that’s such a terrible thing to say but honestly I just don’t know for what reasons I should continue to be as caring for him as I am. For whatever reason, it appears that I’m currently unable to stop.

He’s making me feel so different and weird on the inside that I just can’t place it. I want to be over him, soooo much, but it’s like I can’t just let him go and he’s given me no strong reason to hate him or to want to leave him to his own so I keep going to him and it’s like I never get enough of what I want or need from him yet I KEEP GOING BACK! It’s like it all just goes around in one big infinite circle of never pleasing endlessness.

Sometimes this terrible thought goes through my head. Sometimes I feel like there’s really nothing mentally satisfying that he can give to me, like he’s done all that already. Sometimes I wonder if I could just get, as much as I hate to say it, fucked by him, and good, that it would be a physicality that would somehow drain him from my system. Like some people say goodbye by hugging, maybe he’s given me all that he can except his touch? I think it’s a terrible thought because that goes against my nature, ESPECIALLY since it’s not within his will to be with me in a physical nature. Sometimes I just think that anyway, that maybe if there could be some kind of physical love, because I guess I don’t know where else his love would come from, that maybe I’d feel it just enough to be gone from him and take that love without needing his physical presence.

He is my friend, and that is all. Maybe the problem is not him showing enough love, maybe the problem is that I’m wanting/expecting it when this is just a friendship and I don’t actually deserve it? Maybe friends don’t give the type of love I need? Do you think? I think that is possible but I don’t officially know.

I told him I felt better after I had finished all my talking and what not, he said he felt just the same. I wonder if that means he didn’t get a single thing out of anything I said? I wrote him a list of things to think about, because he asked me to and I don’t even know if he’s going to get to it because he told me yesterday that he’s moving to a town over an hour away to work for the rest of the summer. Even though he said he’d be coming back every now and then, I just have my skepticisms about it all. I felt kinda crushed because of that, luckily I talked with a friend of mine online and he helped me through it. Thanks ;)

Well I’m going to call that a wrap for now. I hope to hear from some of you.

Hello everyone.

I just wanted to take some time to say that I love this site, I'm not ready to leave it just yet, but for now I may not be that much of an active member. With my dads death, in which there was no will, the estate has been split between me and my two brothers which more than most of my family just, if even that, barely know. This has not caused a lot of issues thankfully (besides my worrying), but has caused a great deal of business to occur in a short period of time. It's still occuring and is kinda confusing.

I love you guys, and I'll be back eventually, but right now being gay just isn't as big as it was before. It's still a big thing don't get me wrong. I'm still all for Good friend 1 & 2 and they both mean a lot to mean but I have way more issues than lusting after them and wanting to share everything with them.

So I'd like to leave on that note, for I don't know how long, with the promise of returning sometime. That doesn't mean I won't come back here and there either, more like I'll just be really sporadic.

Take care guys, and wish me luck. ;)

Monday, July 07, 2008, 9:09 PM

Gosh I feel kind of let down again. I don’t know why. I’ve had a good day; I think I’m just bored.

I slept well, and got enough sleep at that. I got a call around nine o'clock from work asking if I could and on top of that I’d be done by the time I told Good friend #2 and them that I’d be over. So I went to work and had an ok time and then went to Good friend #2s and had a good time as well.

I was finally able to get pictures of me and Good friend #2, ones I’ve been meaning to take since before my dad died. I wanted to get good pictures and I did. I got one of Good friend #2 and me with Sugar (Good friend #2’s dog) I got one of just Good friend #2, and one of just me then finally I got one of me and Good friend #2 close together. I remember it so well.

We took pictures in front of these purple flowers growing up one of those things meant to be grown up on. We were close enough that we were touching sides and I put my arm around him like I have done to Good friend #1 before in pictures of us close up. The difference this time around is that I am on more equal grounds with Good friend #2 than I am with Good friend #1. I’m guessing that’s why Good friend #2 also put his arm around me. It was kinda different, feeling his arm go around me. I’ve never been touched by a friend in a friendly gesture like that, especially from a guy and it was completely new to me. It caught me so by surprise that I forgot to turn the camera on an pressed the button before I realized it! Even more interestingly is the fact that Good friend #2 put his arm around my waist, not over my shoulder like I did him. Naturally you can’t see it in the picture but you can tell that we must have had our arms around each other due to the proximity of ourselves in the picture.

*deep slow breath* It felt sooo increadibly good to have his arm go around me. And the surprise of it going where it did only added to the sensation. I know I didn’t imagine it, I remember the feeling. Slow but sure as his arm lightly and positively placed itself around my waist. I had to take a couple of pictures to make sure we got just the right one and we separated each time, but every time I went to take the picture again sure enough his arm went back to where it was, just as mine did.

I know he’s not gay, we’ve talked about it off an on on a couple of occasions and I’m not saying that he’s throwing me for a loop but GOD I love it when I can get close enough like that with my friends. I don’t want to love love either of them but it feels so good to get those moments of close connective acceptance ya know? In the picture Good friend #2 and me both look so serious, but in a good way. I’ll cherish it and the memory of it for a long time. It honestly makes me wish I could just cuddle up with him right now, not even in a sexual way, just a close close friend way. Just to be near an close to him, feeling and knowing his acceptance. It would be so grand.

Anyway that’s been today. I’ll talk at ya all later.

My dad died. It was a shock, he had a motorcycle accident. He hit a deer driving to work in the early morning.

I'm fine, it's been about a week now but its still hard to believe ya know?

Question! lately my good friend, on off occasion, has been saying that he can't even tell that I'm gay, that he wishes I wasn't. I'm glad I don't seem gay but why does he have to say he wishes I wasn't? Isn't that like not accepting me for who I am? Then is it a good thing that he can't tell I'm gay? I mean what if I did seem gay?

Food for thought, hope to hear from ya'll.

Well everyone I must say, even if I’ve said it before, that this is turning out to be one of the best summers I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been spending so much time with Good friend 1 and Good friend 2 that it’s almost unbelievable. I mean, the only reason it’s not unbelievable is because it’s actually happened.

The one week where Good friend 1 and I were together either at my place or his for almost the entirety of the week took me by pleasant surprise. That was such a welcome filler to my summer. I think that is honestly going to be one of the most memorable things about my summer. If Good friend 2 and me actually go to see The Dark Knight in CBS I believe that will be a truly memorable/defining piece of my summer as well.

I can’t forget Good friend 2 because he’s honestly been a great contribution to my summer as well as Good friend 1. When Good friend 2 and I went to see Get Smart, that conversation we had on the way to and from S was astounding! I felt so good talking with him and the way he was opening up to me WOAH! Don’t get me wrong though, I know Good friend 2’s not gay and even though I find Good friend 2 attractive in his ways it’s even easier for me not to feel for him the way I feel for Good friend 1, no matter how unrealistic that seems. Good friend 2 doesn’t do sexy things that entice me either so maybe that’s playing a card here as well. LOL

Today has been a decent day, not totally bland and boring like it could have been. I pulled an all nighter last night. I played video games for several hours, printed off a bunch of photos of my friends and I that I hadn’t printed yet and started a new photo album with those pictures, I went on an hour or so long walk at six am and almost feel asleep while trying to sleep but didn’t quit get there until ten o'clock in the morning wherein I went and picked up my check from work because it’s payday and then proceeded to pay some bills yadda yadda before I eventually called Good friend 2 for some reason and then he asked if I didn’t have anything to do and gave me the opportunity to come help him and his family on their farm in which I did and spent more than most of my day at his place.

I haven’t taken one nap today and I’ve done a good little bit of work so I should be tired soon enough. Tomorrow I get cable installed in my room! That will be nice. Then I work from 6 o'clock till 9 o'clock and on Wednesday I’ll be chillin with Good friend 2 again, on Thursday I’m going to CBS to help College classmate buy a new laptop, Friday I work 6 to 9 and then I work Saturday and Sunday morning as well. My week is basically planned out. lol

Well everyone here’s what my therapist said: He said, basically, that I should lower the status of my good friend because my good friend doesn’t value me as much as I value him. He said that because I value him more than he values me there’s an unbalance in our friendship. I consider my good friend to be my best friend but my therapist said that I shouldn’t place that status on him because my good friend obviously can’t meet those standards for me.

My good friend told me himself that I’m third on his list of best friends. He apparently has three real close friends, maybe more. If he has more best friends then I’m unaware of them. I know he has other friends but not bestest best friends. When he first told me that I was third on this list of his I was initially disappointed because I feel like I should mean much more to him. It would appear that I don’t though. However, I then started to think that I should be grateful to even be on his list…then my therapist went and told me what he told me today.

What do you guys think? I mean finding new friends is not my forte, it’s basically an impossible dream. So, that being said what exactly would you do?

Hello everyone,

Things are good, I just spent the majortiy of the night, till midnight at least, with my good friend. We seem to be getting along really well even after we spent the majority of the week together. He called me today and asked me to come over, so I did.

Anyway there are no problems there... but I'm wondering how I can get a blasted picture to fit in an 85 by 85 frame. I've tried making my own, but have failed so far. All I want is a simple, yet good looking shape, with the phrase "Friendship is when someone knows all about you but likes you anyway." Or something just as good, but I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT DONE! I can get the shape and phrase all set up but then every time I go to fit it down to size it just gets all pixelated and then no can read it.

I'd be greatful if someone could help me figure this out.

I've spent way more than half of my week with my good friend. The place he lives currently has no water supply because of the storms we've been having, so he's been staying at my place for most of the week, since last Sunday anyway.

I love that he seems so comfortable being with me, even when he knows that I'm gay. I'm not looking for a all encompassing relationship with him, just his friendship and since that's the way it remains things have always been on a level balance...when were together at least. Sometimes I go a little crazy without him.

Anyway things are going good. I'm staying at his place, which is still without water, tonight.

It's 1:31 in the morning and we've gotta give up at seven, it's time we sleep.

Goodnight.

Well things are still going good. I did something again with my good friend on Sunday night and almost all day on Monday, until 5:30 anyways. Then I went to another one of my good friends and was there until midnight watching a movie ( and then Jay Leno) with him and his family, playing video games and talking. I had a great Sunday night, and Monday.

I ended up staying up until three thirty in the morning today before I went to bed. It had been forever since I journaled about things me and my friends had done so I decided it was about time. Then, along the way, I ended up chatting with a few people online, neither of which I had planned on talking to. That was nice. I ended up playing some Ace Combat 5 before I went to bed. It was so interesting, the time I went to bed was the time my dad got up for work. I almost got up and said hi to him, but I was tired and thus didn’t.

That’s all really. I had a great time and even though I didn’t spend a lot energy here about it, it took up a whole day and night, so it was at the very least a time consuming thing, but in a good way.

Later all.

Well let me say this right now: I’m a worrier. If none of you reading this right now know that then you need to know, because all of my last entry was full of worrying.

So I thought today was going to be just another dumb boring day but it wasn’t. The good friend I’m always talking about, the one I was so worried and fretful over in my last entry, called me this morning before I was even fully awake and ready to go. He called me at nine o'clock wondering what I was up to. I found a way to tell him that I was basically just mulling around, even though he technically woke me up.

I found that very amazing and I wasn’t expecting it at all in any way, especially the part where he came and picked me up and drove me back to the place he was staying at. While there we had sunny side up eggs while watching The Steven Colbert Report on Comedy Central.

Eventually we wound up on the computer and tinkered around, while doing so a younger relative of his showed up and eventually, after more tinkering on the computer, we went to my place where I did my good friend a favor (nothing big or important mind you) and he and his younger sibling played Rune Scape on my desktop PC and my Laptop. They dueled each other and played around, not usually being able to do so in such close proximity.

Unfortunately today was the day my dad decided to FINALLY install a new toilet in our house cause we’ve needed one desperately for some time now. So I wasn’t able to give my guests full attention but they seemed busy with themselves and fairly content without me anyway.

Everything went fine and apparently (dare I say obviously) there is nothing wrong, I am just a worrier. I even got a call later in the day from him. I’m the one (out of the two of us) who’s good at the liberal arts, writing and such stuff while he’s the one that’s better at the hands on workmanship, outdoorsy kinda stuff. So he called me just to ask how to spell the word “holler” and I just now realized that I told him how to spell it the wrong way. LOL it doesn’t really matter though, he’s a nit picker when it comes to saying the right thing the right way, especially when it comes to the ladies, which he was talking to one of. It’s just myspace either way, and that whole thing is all casual, if not below casual. He also told me that he was going to Worlds of Fun tomorrow and that he had totally forgotten about it. I said how can you forget about going to world of fun!?!?! Then he told me he made the plans three weeks ago, which considering its him, I could understand. He just doesn’t make plans, or promises very well if at all.

Anyway I’ve simply over worried myself and wanted to let everyone know. But seriously, I don’t believe I didn’t worry and whatever I did for no reason. I just think I lost hindsight of things. Either way, he totally caught me off guard today. I’m kinda glad about it though ;)

Talk later.

I feel like utter crap. The feeling I’m feeling is totally worthless in itself. I feel down because its sinking in real deep, the understanding that I am obviously not as important to him as he is to me.

I just checked his myspace five minutes ago and his headline was “Party party party!!!!!!” and his mood was rebellious and he posted those changes no longer than 34 minutes ago. It made me feel close, yet so incredibly far away at the same time.

I talked with my therapist today. We both acknowledged that my good friend and me have a pattern. That being I spend an extended period of time away from my good friend and then he finally starts to call me and want to do things with me and we do stuff for a while only for him to move away again. Even my therapist thought that was crap. Obviously there is not a level field of friendship here. He has more friends than me and can get by without me and simply does, often not paying attention to me because of it. Can you blame him though? He’s more of a guy than I am, more typical I mean. Isn’t it only natural for him not to think of me?

Either way all that’s happening is hurting me inside. It’s crap and I don’t think there’s anything I can do but repeat the whole pattern.