Hey, does anyone know where you can by gift cards for Amazon.com in Canada? I'm thinking about buying some movies and both seasons of SON on Amazon but I don't have a credit card.

Bitch Bitch Bitch.....That's today in a nutshell.

My mom wakes me up today to ask whether or not I want to watch The Dark Night with her and my dad. It's 11 am(Too light out to watch a movie like that!) so I tell her no. So, at 1 pm I get out of bed and I can hear that they are still watching the movie so I stay upstairs cause I don't want to watch the movie half way through, I figure that I'll watch it later. So, an hour or so later I go downstairs and the movies over. My parents start arguing about whatever(It's a normal occurrence).

Okay, so I eat then me and my mom take the dogs out for a walk. Then she tells me how my dad was complaining about how I didn't come down to watch the movie with them, that I'm spending all this time in my room now, it's ridiculous that I sleep in so late, and whatever else I'm doing wrong....Blah blah blah. Well, excuse me if I don't want to wake up early to watch HIS television programs. And like WTF is the point in me waking up early???...Umm...I got nowhere to go and nothing to do so what's the point? Plus in like a week I'm starting my job workshop so I plan on spending my last week sleeping in and doing what I like. And the reason I've been spending more time in my room is because I'm either using the computer or playing my Xbox.....Ugh.

He bitches behind my back...and some of it has to do with the fact that he isn't working and hasn't been for a while. So, he's at home and drinking and life's kinda shitty for them right now. But there's this shining light that he sometimes sees but most of the time he can't. I understand that my parents are going through a kind of rough time right now but he doesn't need to take it out on me. Although, it's not just me that he's taking it out on. At our family Christmas get together he was pissy too, so my sisters got some of it and my mom get's that everyday. So, there ya go. It doesn't make me feel better. At the end of the week he's starting some work training for a new job. He needs to get a new job and get out of the house cause him being at home all the time doesn't make anybody happy.

Alright, so there's my bitching for the day. I feel a bit better.

Yeah.......So, this is weird. I'm 21 years old and I've never wore makeup. Well, when I was a little kid sometimes I played with my sister's lipstick and nail polish but that's about it. So, why did my mother decide to buy me makeup today? I haven't a clue. We were walking to the library and she says:

Mom:"Do you want to start wearing makeup?"
Me: "Why?"
Mom: "Well, I don't know. I bought some because I had a coupon and it was really cheap. It's just some eyelash stuff and foundation"
Me:"Um.....I don't know"
Mom:"Well, I didn't know if you wanted to wear make up to the workshop"
Me:Silence(Trying to figure what the hell is going on)
Mom: It's okay if you don't want it. I'll use it if you don't"

It's not that I'm against wearing makeup. I just personally have never tried any and don't really know what to do with it, you know? But I have been considering the idea of trying some....I don't know. It's just weird, like, for Christmas some of the things I got from them was this Pumice Scrub and body lotion. So, it's all a bit odd. Does my mom think I need to grow out of this Tomboyishness that I've been my whole life? Does she want me to prissy up and find myself a nice guy? I don't know. I want to clean up my look a bit anyways. Buy some new clothes, get a hair cut and such........but I also want to meet a nice girl and I'm pretty sure that's not in my mom's plans:)

After all this time
life's finally making some sense
and life is pretty good
And after everything fell apart it's coming back together again

When I look back on all the good
I have to dredge through the bad
but now it's all getting better
and things are falling into place

With all the bad choices
and all of their regrets
comes a shiny light
if they can get through this we'll all be better in the end

I now have the opportunities in my hands
I have choices to make
I have a chance to make my life great
This is my chance to start over

I've been waiting for this for years
And it's finally happening
I can't really believe my luck
that all this good has come from such a dark place

We're moving forward on this roller coaster ride
and the ups and downs of life
I can only hope that they learn from this
and that I do too

So, now I'll sit and think about that girl
and I know she's out there somewhere
She's waiting to steal my first kiss
and I'm waiting to steal her's

I sent a suggestion to the library nearby, that they should get Keeping You A Secret...I guess we'll see if they do. I hope they do cause I'd like to read it.

Do you guys have any other suggestions for Young Adult lesbian books that I should read? Preferably Teen lesbian romance....

Okay. So, I turn my computer on and I'm fixing it all up, deleting games and programs I don't use. Then I downloaded Firefox to use as my web browser(It's a cleaner looking browser and I heard that it's safer than Internet Explorer) So, anyways. I started thinking that I should get a new wallpaper because the one that I have now is the default one that the computer came with. So, I start thinking about what wallpaper should I search for. What pops into my head??? South Of Nowhere or specifically Spashley, so I type it in Google and the first wallpaper that comes up I REALLY want- http://mymetaverse.deviantart.com/art/SoN-Spashley-72593483.

But you know what I thought when I saw it......Um, I share this computer with my mom....I don't think this would be a good idea considering I'm not out and yeah, I think that this would sound off them gay bells. So, I'm not going to make it my wallpaper even though I really want to. It sucks but whatever....This is just one of the prices I have to pay for being in the closet.

YOUR GUY SIDE:
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[] Its hilarious when people get hurt
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[] Shopping is torture.
[] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own/had an X-Box or Wii.
[x] Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You own/had a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[x] You used to watch Power Rangers.
[x] You watch sports on TV.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You like going to high school football games.
[] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun
[} Talk with food in your mouth.
[x] Sleep with your socks on at night
TOTAL:13

YOUR GIRL SIDE:
[] You wear lip gloss
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear the color pink
[] Go to your mom for advice.
[] Cheerleading is a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like hanging out at the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[] Used to/are in gymnastics/dance/cheer
[] It takes you around more than one hour to shower, and get dressed
[] You smile a lot more than you should
[] You have/had more than 30 pairs of shoes
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] Most of the time you wear body spray/perfume/cologne.
[x] You love going to the movies.
[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] Liked putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
[] Like being the star of every thing.
TOTAL: 9

I realize these are stereotypical questions but Iis sleeping with your socks on really a guy thing??? Lol, I'm the only one I know that does that.

I watched the 3rd and 4th episodes of the second season of South Of Nowhere last night. I liked them:) The thing that bugs me, though, is that whenever there is a nice sweet moment happening between Spencer and Ashley something happens to stop it. Uggg....it's annoying. Like, in the 4th episode of season 2. Spencer and Ashley are in the petting zoo in the middle of the night and all alone and Ashley tells Spencer "If you're scared you can always move a little closer" So, then Spencer moves closer and they kiss....awww, it was so nice and cute and everything. So, what happens friggen Aiden comes with a girl and messes up EVERYTHING! Like seriously, are gay couples not allowed to have nice moments? I guess the end of that episode sorta made up for it....except that I couldn't really see them kissing....probably because it was a crappy internet video, idk. Oh, and how sweet was it when Spencer came out to Chelsea??? :)

My nephews came over a couple of days ago and spent the night here cause my sister was visiting some friends nearby. Lol, me and my oldest nephew D ended up staying up till 6 am playing video games. Lol, it was so funny though. We were playing Left 4 Dead online and this one girl had NO clue how to play the game. I mean, if you've played the game you know that you should save your bombs for when there's a ton of zombies comming after you. This girl just randomly uses her bombs when there like 2 zombies. Lol, anyways it was fun to play none the less, even when we were shaking our heads going.....Why did she just do that?.......every 5 minutes.

Oh, and we were playing Fable 2 and I was in the bad part of town in Bowerstone. Yeah, and I got solicited by a prostitute....a female prostitute! Lol, at least the options in there that if you are playing as a female you can still have sex with the female prostitutes, right? lol, it's too funny. I didn't have sex with the prostitute, though.....my character is still a virgin. Only cause I haven't had the extra time or energy to go flirt with someone and take them back to my place.

Ugg, my parents are watching this show Ladette to Lady. Somebody shoot me, please. I hate that show!

It's a song by Missy Higgins called Secret. She's openly bisexual BTW. Anybody heard this song? I just think that this song is awesome and had to share it. It's about how she loved this girl but the girl wasn't out so their relationship was a secret....Yeah, the song is pretty self explanatory.

"Secret"

You were from the North, I was from the South
We were form opposite places, different towns
But I knew it was good and you knew it was too
So we moved together like a ball and chain
Minds becoming two halves of the same
It was real, but in shadows it grew

Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe?

I would've shouted loud and broken through
I would've given it all to belong to you
But there were different plans, different rules
You said "where I'm from there is a lock and key
If you'd be so kind as to follow me
I will show you the way to the rest of my sins"

Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe?
Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe?
And I should know
Yeah I should know

So this room was damp where your sins laid
There was that smell in the air of an old place
That hadn't seen much daylight in years
And you threw me down, said, "If ya don't mind
I'm gonna leave you here until night time
Then we can do what we want my baby out of the spotlight."

Cos you've got a secret don't ya babe?
Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe?
And I should know
Yeah I should know
For I'm your secret aren't I babe?
Yeah I'm your secret aren't I babe?
Aren't I babe?

Basics:

Name:
Ashley

Date of Birth:
December, 17, 1987

Birthplace:
Toronto, Ontario

Current Location:
My bedroom

Eye Color:
Dark green-a little blueish

Hair Color:
Dirty Blonde

Height:
5'3"

Heritage:
Mixed- English,Scottish, Irish...and some others

Piercings:
One in each ear...actually they are pretty much healed now.

Tattoos:
None, at the moment...but I intend on getting at least one in the future.

Favorite:

Band/Singer:
Staind, Alice In Chains, Metalica

Song:
There's so many! At the moment: All I Want by Staind, Down In A Hole by Alice In Chains, Sober by Tool, and You Can Count On Me by Default.

Movie:
But I'm A Cheerleader!, Dirty Dancing, and Fried Green Tomatoes. But really there's many more.

Disney Movie:
Toy Story 2

TV show:
Family Guy, South Of Nowhere

Color:
Blue

Food:
Pizza

Pizza topping:
Lots and lots of Extra Sause

Ice-Cream Flavor:
Chocolate

Drink (alcoholic):
I don't drink

Soda:
Pepsi, Root Beer, or Orange Crush

Store:
Don't really have one....Walmart?

Clothing Brand:
Don't have one

Shoe Brand:
Airwalk makes some pretty awesome skate shoes.

Season:
Fall....but I really like the changing seasons....cause eventually I get sick of them, lol.

Month:
I guess October because of the cool weather.

Holiday/Festival:
Christmas, for sure

Flower:
Lilies....because of Luce(in Imagine Me and You)"Lilies mean....lilies mean, I dare you to love me" :)

Make-Up Item:
None, at the moment....eventually maybe I'll have one.

Board game:
Life...Nightmare was fun/scary when I was little though.

This or That

Sunny or rainy:
Sunny....a good rainy day is good once in a while, though.

Chocolate or vanilla:
Chocolate

Fruit or veggie:
Veggies...only cause I love my potatoes:)

Night or day:
Night

Sour or sweet:
Depends....People: Sweet
Candy: Sour...Mmmm......

Love or money:
Love....I couldn't care less about being rich.

Phone or in person:
In person

Looks or personality:
Personality

Coffee or tea:
Neither.....Yuck!

Hot or cold:
Either

Your:

Goal for this year:
Figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life, Get a job, and hopefully meet an amazing girl:)

Most missed memory:
Don't really have one...I'm concentrated on the now and future.

Best physical feature:
I've been told multiple times that I have nice hair....so, I guess hair...

First thought waking up:
I wanna go back to sleep

Hypothetical personality disorder:
I used to be rediculously quiet....not so much anymore, though.

Preferred type of plastic surgery:
None

Sesame street alter ego:
The Cookie Monster:D

Fairytale alter ego:
I'd have to think about that one....

Most stupid remark:
I filter what I say far to much to really say anything stupid

Worst crime:
Me and my friends broke into my school(They were adding a part to the school) and we ran around in the halls like fools:D

Greatest ambition:
Fall in love and have a family......there's nothing that I want more in this life.

Greatest fear:
That I won't live life to the fullest.

Darkest secret:
Don't have one...I havn't really done anything that bad.

Favorite subject:
Art or Gym

Strangest received gift:
I've never really recieved a strange gift

Worst habit:
Not speaking up

Do You:

Smoke:
Nope

Drink:
Nope....I've drank champaigne on multiple New Years....and I hate it.

Curse:
Sometimes

Shower daily:
Yup

Like thunderstorms:
Yesmm...I do

Dance in the rain:
Sometimes when I was younger

Sing:
Of course....even though I'm horrible.

Play an instrument:
I can sorta play the guitar...I'm still learning. Oh, and in the 5th gade I could play hot cross buns on the recorder.

Get along with your parents:
Most Definitely

Wish on stars:
Sometimes...even though they don't usually come true. What's the harm, right?

Believe in fate:
Sorta

Believe in love at first sight:
I think it can happen....but I'm a romantic

Can You:

Drive:
Nope...but eventually I will

Sew:
Nope

Cook:
Some basic things...nothing to extravigent

Speak another language:
Nope, I was forced(like most Canadians) to take french classes from grade 4 to grade 9....and I remember very little.

Dance:
I can dance.....not sure how good though.

Sing:
Yes, I enjoy it but I doubt anybody else enjoys listening...

Touch your nose with your tongue:
Nope

Whistle:
Yup

Curl your tongue:
Yup

Have You Ever:

Been Drunk:
Can't say that I have

Been Stoned/High:
Nope

Eaten Sushi:
Nope...Yuck

Been in Love:
Nope

Skipped school:
Yes many times but not until grade 12....

Made prank calls:
Yup

Sent someone a love letter:
Nope...Actually I sent a valentines day card that said I liked the person in grade 5...It didn't have my name on it, though. I was smart too, because I sent him another one that had my name on it...so he wouldn't think I sent the other one:)

Stolen something:
Yes, and never got caught. It was stupid, now that I look back on it.

Cried yourself to sleep:
Yup...

Other Questions:

What annoys you most in a person?
Ignorance, hypocrites, and no patience.

Are you right or left handed?
Right

What is your bedtime?
At the moment, I'm usually in bed around 2:30 am

Name three things you can't live without:
My family/friends, my dogs, and music/movies....That's like 5 but oh well.

What is the color of your room?
Kind of a biege....cause we moved and I haven't painted yet, otherwise it would probably be a nice blue.

Do you have any siblings?
2 sisters and a brother.

Do you have any pets?
2 dogs and a cat...but my cat now lives with my brother.

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?
I'd only kill in self defence or to save someone else.

What are you nicknames?
Ash

Are you for or against gay marriage?
Hmm.....That's a hard one, I mean, do those people really deserve to be married??? LOL...Of course I'm for.

Do you have a crush on anyone?
Not at the moment...Well, maybe characters in movies and on TV but that's about it. SPENCER!:)

Are you afraid of the dark?
Not usually but when I'm watching a scary movie then I have to go somewhere in the dark alone...Then YES!

How do you want to die?
Very old, in my sleep, and in a happy time of my life....but I doubt that's possible.

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?
I don't know...like 3...I guess

Would you take a bullet for the one you love?
Yes, definitely.

What is the last law you’ve broken?
I have NO clue...

In a Male/Female:

Hair color:
Usually, Brunette or Blond...or mix.

Eye color:
Any

Height:
Around my height

Weight:
A normal, healthy body weight.

Most important physical feature:
That she's not white as a ghost!...But seriously, as long as I'm attracted that's all that matters...What's inside makes or breaks it.

Biggest turn-off:
Dirty fingernails! I can't stand them....That and cockyness

I was just watching the movie Fried Green Tomatoes with my mom. It's one of my favourite movies. I love it:) I pretty much always have. I remember when I watched it with my parents when I was younger and thinking that there was something special about it and that I really liked that Idgie....probably because she reminded me of myself quite a bit.

Did they ever fill that movie with lesbian subtext or what? It's funny but that movie just makes me smile when I'm watching it with my parents cause first of all I love the subtext and then I'm wondering if my mom(who LOVES this movie BTW) is getting that these two woman are really in love....that they're not "just friends". I mean how could she not....right???

I know that some people don't like this movie because in the book it was based on, the two woman were lovers but in the movie they are basically portrayed as friends......but there's LOTS and LOTS of subtext and subtle things that make it pretty clear that they are more. Oddly enough it's enough for me...it should kinda piss me off but it doesn't cause I catch all the little hints and when you see the way the two of them look at eachother it's obvious that they love eachother. Although, now I do have the sudden urge to actually read the book.

I love the food fight scene....that was memorable beyond words:)

Oh....I can totally see myself as Idgie. Seeing as she was a tomboy since she was a little kid, she's tough, and she gets along with the boys.....and I would've totally wanted to kick Ruth's husband's ass!

Has anybody else watched Fried Green Tomatoes? What did you think of it?

Was that show not the gayest show EVER???

I mean really how were we supposed to believe that Blair and Joe were "just friends"?

I was watching this Christmas episode where Joe can't go home for Christmas cause her mom has to go to Miami to work so Joe has to stay with Ms. Garret while all the other girls go home for the holidays. So, Joe and Blair have this sorta alkward goodbye(They won't hug....we all know why they really won't...ha ha). Then Blair shows up later(I think that same day) to stay and be with Joe.....I mean hello....these girls were SO in love:)

Alright. So, earlier today I was watching Ellen Degenerous' talk show with my mom. It was a repeat of the first episode of this season that had Michelle Obama on it. So, anyways I had noticed that the whole time that Michelle Obama was on she never congratulated Ellen on her marriage. Now, you have to remember that this was the first episode Ellen taped since getting married. So, I found it a bit odd but I also thought that it maybe had to do with the fact that I read somewhere that Barack Obama is against gay marriage. So, possibly his wife Michelle is also against it so she wouldn't congratulate Ellen because she doesn't believe it's right....or something along those lines.

So, I decided to bring that up so, I say to my mom "she never congratulated Ellen on her marriage. She congratulated her for her show's move to a new studio but she didn't say anything about her marriage. I guess maybe that's because Barack is against gay marriage....at least I read that somewhere. So, maybe that's why. Maybe it's because she feels the same way" My moms like "I don't know". Then what does she say? "Well, I'm sick of all the gays shoving it (gay marriage) down our throats" And for once I had a gut reaction and something to say and I wasn't afraid to say it either...it was sorta weird but really nice too. I said: "Well, I'm not. I mean, they deserve to have rights just like us. They deserve to get married just like everybody else. I don't see the problem." then she said "Well, look what happened it got revoked" Me: "Yeah, but that's not fair. You can't just give people rights and then take them away. They wouldn't do that to other people. It's dumb"....It basically went like that. Probably more smoothly then how I typed it but basically it went like that....and it shut her up:)

I don't hate my mom. I don't dislike her. We are actually really close. She just needs to get the facts straight sometimes. But I'm telling you that if she doesn't know that I'm gay after the the way I said those things today then wow! I mean really. I don't think there's many bigger hints then that. 1)We don't even live in the states 2)I rarely talk about political issues about my own country(Canada), let alone issues that are happening in another country 3) As far as she knows I don't have a single gay friend or really any knowledge of gay issues.....So, basically why would I care about gay people being able to be married at all??? Unless, of course I'm gay.

Anyways, I guess I'm trying to soften the blow one little hint at a time. BTW I was smiling after I said those things today, I was kinda proud of myself that I just said how I felt. And that I let it be known that I think that gay people deserve the same as straight people and everything. So, maybe she'll think a little bit more about it and maybe eventually agree. Or, she'll finally realize that I'm gay. Either way it's cool.

I also think that I might actually blurt it one of these days. I swear, I felt really good just saying the things that I did today, that I might just do it at one point. I think that I'm coming more to terms with my mom knowing. I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past week and I'm just becoming more sure of myself and more sure of everything. It's weird cause I felt so weird about it last week but now I don't know, I feel good about it. So, you never know. I might just do it one of these times, it's still a bit scary but maybe.

I had a really odd dream last night that my sister told my parents that I was gay(I have no idea how she knew) and that when I got home they were acting all weird and like super positive about gay people and everything. I didn't say whether I was gay I just kept quiet. Then my sister kept trying to get me to meet this 23 year old gay guy she knew because she thought it would be nice for me to have a gay friend that I could relate to. It was SO weird but in the dream I felt so happy and relieved because of the way my parents were acting. I can only hope that they would be that accepting and cool about it when I come out in real life:)

It also made me think that maybe I should seriously consider doing it soon because I want those feelings I had in the dream. I want that relief, I want that weight off my shoulders, you know? Plus I know from what I've read in all of the comming out stories on Oasis that it truly is a massive relief and weight off your shoulders when you finally tell someone the truth. It's so hard, though..........

Has anybody else had dreams about comming out? Would you take it as a sign?