So here's the story, okay? i have finally started to drift from my crush on haylee. its still distinctly there but its become rough around the edges. so i went for this girl named Allison((Alee))and i've liked her for a while and so i decided what the hell i might as well go for her. so, i asked her out and i was supposed to come over to her house to pick her up.I pulled up in front of the house and called her to tell her that i was there and she said that she was still doing her makeup and to just walk in and sit on the couch. well, i walked in on her being fucked by one of my old bestfriends. i always knew that stupid bitch was worthless. i dont know why i liked her so much, she never liked me, i knew it was to good to be true when she said i could take her out.
Well, i broke down into tears. which isnt normal for me, i NEVER cry. I called haylee bawling my eyes out. haylee was furious and told me that "the bitch was going to pay" i thought she was going to bitch her out or something so the next day nothing happened i figured Alee slipped haylee's mind, boy was i wrong.
I was in the car with haylee and she told me to drive to Alee's house. i was scared but i did it anyways. haylee began to tell me that if i got into the fight that she couldn't protect me because she was "letting all of her anger flow threw her into Alee's face" so i decided if and when anything was to go down i was going to stay the fuck out of it.
THE FIGHT!
well haylee went up and knocked on the door. Alee looked threw the peep hole and then opened the door with a smile. knowing that haylee was to younge to drive and my car was parked in front she expected that this had something to do with me. haylee looked Alee straight in the eyes and said "what the fuck gives you the right to do what you did to ceejai? hmm" Alee laughed, obviously not taking haylee seriously, her mistake.Haylee gave a rather evil chuckle and slightly joker grin and asked me to join her in front of the house.As soon as i got there i started to cry again, haylee pointed at me and said "you think this is okay?!" and grabbed Alee by the front of her shirt and slammed her face into the pavement then continued to do so until Alee dug her acrylic fingernails into haylee's face. Alee then had the nerve to roll over and spit blood into haylee's face, bad move on Alee's part. Haylee lifted her up off the ground and slammed her face into the brick garage and knocked out three of her teeth. there was eating dirt after that but by the end haylee had givin a black eye a few broken fingers and a compound fracture in Alee's foot. Lucky for us the neighbor that was home and saw anything was a good friend of ours and called the cops saying that there was a fight but that haylee was defending herself because Alee had "attacked" HAHA!

Haylee truely is my best friend.... im still in love with her...
and i cant do a thing about it. But i'll settle for bestfriends.
Haylee=bestfriend forever.

i didn't think i was going to have anything to post today, until i saw this video. J sent it to me over facebook, and i'm not sure why.

at first, i thought it was just a religious thing, not a big deal, and then i began to feel uncomforable while watching it.

for anyone that watches it: any comments or anything on it?

Everytime I get in girly mode, it seems to scare me more and more about how I want to be with another girl/woman. I may only be 16, but I feel genuine feelings. I keep getting the images of soft girls and our hands clasped together, gentle kissing and touching to insanity. I just, I dunno. I'm scared. If I wasn't looking at guys and thinking of them 30% of the time, I would have to say I would be a lesbian. I'm so scared and I don't know why. I've known I liked girls for years now. Why do I always feel like it's a new feeling everytime it gets ignited in my brain? Why?

i love my psyche teacher. didn't think i was going to like her when i first met her, but she's like perfect for my style of learning. really engaging and funny and loves the subject she teaches.

my bio teacher....she's nice. she's from venezuela, so she has a bit of an accent. not at all unintelligible, but....ehhhh, not so much for her. it's only a fifty-minute class though. i'm not looking forward to my lab class though. it is looooooooong. but i really like bio, so i'll survive.

met the theatre professor today. the good one. his office is jam-packed with figurines and photos and all this neat stuff. i'm apparently supposed to know him, but i don't remember him at all. he's pretty awesome though....

also, i have a job!!! i'm working in the computer lab.

that's really about it for right now....

I dreamed about her all last night. We were lounging around, like we do, and then one time, we kissed.

I am not in love with her, but maybe I am.

She loves me so much, but I know she is not in love with me.

I am dating a wonderful boy but I love her more.

These feelings blow.

So.. I met this chick Thursday and we talked for a few hours. She took to calling me "baby" and "kid" and.. I kinda think I'm falling for her.
Problem: I am 19, she is 35.
Not only that but... I think she was gonna hook up with some dude, but before she left she kissed me.. On the lips. And called me beautiful.
And I'm confused and stressed and I don't know what's going on and the more I think about it the more it hurts and... GAH!!!!!!
I guess I should add a little more..
I don't know when I'm going to see her again. We met at the bar I used to work at. I hang out there cuz I can get internet there and most of the waitresses give me free food. (and a few of them are hot)
But she doesn't come there on a regular basis so it could be days or weeks.
It's been over 2 years since I've been in a relationship and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just using her.. I hope not cuz everyone I've talked to who knows her says she is really sweet and would do anything to help anyone.. They also say she's a little odd, but arent we all?

I called one of my friends today to invite him to go ice-skating with a bunch of other people. He said he wasn't interested, which didn't surprise me, but when he declined I suddenly realized that I have to face this school year without him. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

He was the first person I felt comfortable being myself around. I can still remember that day in seventh grade when I somehow summoned the courage to sit next to the him as he was reading in the garden. I remember the way he would tease me and push my chair around in French class until I lost my temper and yelled at him. I remember sword fights in his backyard, and long rambling discussions about ethics, books, and society, and slowly suspecting that this girl was really too much of a tomboy to be a girl. The day he came out to me, I wasn't a bit surprised. His trust in me and the idea that there was someone out there who could understand me and be my friend was amazing.

He's been in at least two of my classes for the last three years. I've changed a lot from the shy, painfully lonely girl I used to be, but in that time I always had him at my side. He would always be a reliable presence at school, playfully stealing my belongings, teasing me, annoying me, but always ready to offer comfort and understanding when I needed it.

I know I'm not his best friend. He has a best friend, and while I think she's one of the luckiest people in the world, I'm not jealous. I wouldn't wish my lonely childhood on anyone. He'll be fine in his new school, and he has plenty of other friends to keep him company. I have other friends too, but I don't feel as close with any of them. There's a disconnect and a sense of alienation, of being different that I experience with almost everyone I know but him, and I don't know how I'll find another person who I feel so completely at home with.

It's not like he's moved across the country or anything. He just transferred high schools. But school was the place I saw him and kept in touch, and his presence made school seem less empty and superficial. There was actually someone I could look forward to seeing, someone who understood and agreed with all my rants about the government, capitalism, and social injustices. There was someone intelligent I could talk to about the things that matter to me.

I can see why he hates my high school enough to want to transfer out of it. All the people there seem so shallow, the whole building lacks warmth, and the teachers never assign anything important. Maybe he felt as alienated from the general student population as I do. I don't want him to wither in my school, where most people are white, middle-class, self-centered, and conformist, and the GSA only has about four regular members. I just don't know what I'll do without him.

Hey y'all! My name's Jake and I'm almost twenty-four, and I live in Metro Atlanta, Georgia where I work as an human resources manager, or as my fellow brass say, adult babysitter. Too bad that's true.

Before I start yakking about myself I feel that I need to explain my history with Oasis, and while I have no excuse for not writing on here sooner, later is better than never. How I found this site is just plain weird to me.

My parents favorite saying is "shit happens for a reason" and in my case it was in the most unlikely of places: A Metallica chatroom on AOL.

Yeah, you read that right.

It was the beginning of summer vacation in 1999 and I was bored as hell, and in that Metallica chatroom I was engaged in a debate over whether "Master Of Puppets" was thier best CD or not. If your a fan you'll understand what that's all about, if not sorry to bore you here. After a while of arguing I saw a guy with a really weird screenname (Tyomaniac) and just HAD to talk to him. Not that my screenname was any better, but still his WAS out there!

We started chatting back and forth and then he invited me to join him and some of his online friends in a private room, and within a short while we were alone. We talked about Metallica for a while then drifted into other areas, and soon I found out that I was a year younger than him, that we were both born past the cut off date to start school, and that were were the oldest in families with all boys (I have fraternal twin brothers a few years younger than me, he had several younger brothers). He was completely different from any of the friends I hung out with, but I had no idea then that we had much more in common.

From then on we exchanged e-mails, chatted whenever we could, and got to know each other better over the summer. Eventually, like most boys that age, we started talking about sex, and even joked about an activity most boys engage in and what it was like being horny, something I was starting to feel more and more, although I didn't share that I felt that way when I was in the locker room with my PE classmates and couldn't keep my eyes off them as they changed into thier jockstraps. He was a late bloomer like me, and he told me the same thing my father kept saying, just be patient it'll happen soon enough. Somehow hearing Ty say that was more reassuring to me.

While we talked about sex, we rarely talked about girls. When we did, it was if they were some alien lifeform living among us. I'm sure some guys would say there's a bit of truth in that! I was starting to have some feelings for guys then, but I just wrote it off as being curious about how my classmates were developing.

One day I opened an e-mail he sent me, and in it he wrote that he felt I should know the truth about him, and if I didn't want to be his friend anymore he'd understand. In it was a link to Oasis and instructions to look under his name.

When the webpage opened, I'll admit I was horrified. Shocked. Disappointed. All that shit you feel when you discover something that's impossible to believe.

I read what he wrote and I was still in shock, and then I looked at the back issues, taking in every word of every column (as they were called then) with the same energy I took in each Metallica CD the first time I heard them. Here was someone MY age, talking to ME directly about being GAY! The kicker was that he bore no resemblance to any gay person I had ever experienced.

I wrote to him that I was cool with his gayness, and from then on our relationship deepened. He told me his real name and the reasons behind not using it on Oasis, and after reading that like me he was one of the lucky American boys whose parents didn't have part of thier cock cut off, I finally had someone I could talk to about what it was like to be different from most of the boys at school! He made me feel good about that and told me things to try that I would have never thought of. I was caught once doind one of those suggestions by my mother who after that knocked on the door first before entering my room!

Soon we talked about some of the deep shit we had been through. I had recently lost one of my grandmothers to a long battle with cancer, and he told me about his brother's suicide. When I asked why he never wrote about that he told me it still hurt too much. Like me with my Grandma, I understood the loss he felt, although his was much worse.

When I was brave enough I told him about the feelings I was having towards guys, how I thought about them when I "punched one off" (one of his favorite terms) and how scared I was as I faced the prospect of being a fag. He told me to do my own thing and not let anybody pressure me into being less than true to myself. We joked that we were probably the only gay Metallica fans in the world, but I know we're in the minority there!

Ty added me to his "inner circle", a handful of friends he knew online who he trusted to talk openly with. By then he was writing his last columns, and I got to see them before they were published, and he seemed to value my feedback. He was talking about leaving Oasis then, but he always told me that too many people relied on him and he didn't want to let anyone down. He was open with me about the pressures in his life, the struggle he had with being in the closet at school while dating his best friend, and other typical guydrama. Shit I would be dealing with in the very near future.

One day he set me a e-mail with his last Oasis column and I cried like a baby reading it. Here was the only person in the world I had ever come
out too, and he was leaving what was now a huge support system. I understood his reasons but it was a massive loss for me nonetheless.

We kept in touch after that, although we didn't get to chat online very often, but gradually the intervals between e-mails grew wider although he would always write back. I remember him saying that after he left Oasis it was like he fell of the face of the Earth, that few people cared about him. If you can find the issue from February of 2000, not one person mentioned his leaving in thier columns despite the lenght of time he wrote there. I think he was bitter about that, and we rarely discussed Oasis from then on.

Over the years we have still stayed in contact, and at one point he lived within an hour's drive of me, although I was in college then and we could never find the right time or place to meet. He still lives in Georgia, while he and the boyfriend he wrote about so long ago remain together. He calls thier relationship one of the few stable things in his life.

The last time I wrote to him I talked about writing something on here and he joked about mentioning him, just for the hell of it to see if anyone would remember him? I think what I wrote here tonight would make him proud.

Thanks Ty!

I can't stand this any more! My parents (specially my mother, my father is not so stupid) are unbelievably ARRRRRRGH.

It's stupid how they always manage to make my life suck a little more. If it wasn't for the money, the nice apartment, and paying my bills, I swear I wouldn't put up with them any more. Well, I do like my father, he's rational and a natural conciliator. But he's never here, he's always working or travelling, so he's never around for enough time to get my mother to see she's not the centre of the damn universe.

So, yeah, my mother doesn't work because she feels it is better if she is here with us. Good lord! She has two fucking university degrees, and a lot of superior education, and she never uses them! She just sits around being a pain in the arse, complaining about everything and being a huge pain. To-day was (I hope) the climax: she calls me, in the middle of a fucking anger fit, to yell at me because I -supposedly- moved her car's right mirror. I didn't even touch that stupid mirror, and I told her so, but OH NO! She's always right. So, after 2 minutes of putting up with this illogical ranting, may I add that it was rather insulting, I hung up.

Please, tell me, does ANYONE on earth have to put up with insults without a cause?!

Anyway, she got really mad, so she took my car away ("I'm not revenging, I am just teaching you to be respectful"), she THREATENED to kick me out of the house! OMG, as if she could fucking do that!!!! My father is getting fed-up with her, so I told him and he called her, but she just bitched more. The thing is my father loves her too much, so I'm pretty much screwed. He could help settle things down, and make us see that I shouldn't have hung up (after all, she's my mother), and making her see that those stupid threats and punishments are way out of fucking line.

But no, he's travelling.

As if that wasn't enough, all I've ever wanted to do is to go study in the US, 4 years living away from my family, seeing a more real world. But I can't. I have to finish Law School here (sucks big time). The thing is, they think I love it (and if I told them I don't, things would be far worse). And -wait- they want me to have a fucking top-3 average! They said they would be really disappointed if I didn't, and that they didn't consider it'd be serious to let me go study journalism abroad if I didn't have a extremely good average. GOOOOOD. I mean, they also think I am a very bad son!
Good lord! I've been the best son ever, never misbehaving, being perfectly honest and respectful to them, doing absolutely everything that want me to do. I guess they're so used to the perfect son, that whenever I make a mistake, they only see the bad things. I just with my best effort would ever be enough for them, I just want them to say I did something right one damn time. I mean, my brother gets a pathetic 60% average, and he gets a party and gifts. I get a 93% average, the 2nd in my class and all they said is 'you could've done better'.

DAMN IT! Don't they see it hurts?! It hurts a lot, and I am not a happy person, and I will go insane if I have to keep repressing my feelings!!!! BUT I HAVE TO GO ON REPRESSING FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS! I am so unahppy it's not normal, and I can't even smile any more. At least I had a hypocritical smile before, but now even that one is gone.

So yeah, I am a fucking overachiever, a damn great party planner, and the most perfect son ever just to get a 'you could've had done better!'. I CAN'T DO BETTER ANYMORE! I CAN'T! I CAN'T! GOD I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH. But I need the money, and the people around me, and the luxury. I am such a fucking coward. It's all my fault, it's always my fault: that's what my parents say. I guess it's true, after all, it's always my fault.

well, tomorrow i think i'm going to see paramore and john mayer...
i'm not sure. i haven't talked to paige, who said she got the tickets, in weeks.

i haven't seen the girl since june 10th. paige, the same girl who's been to fall out boy, evanescence, and a ton of other concerts with me. she's my concert buddy. and i miss herr. i haven't seen her all summer, and now it's over and i still haven't seen her.

and i'm school shopping online while typing this. hollister makes me so self concious. even hollister online... i'd never fit into any of their clothes >:[ i don't know why i go on that.

and abercrombie is even worse. the women's page is a shirtless girl with a flat tummy and skinny jeans. and it's killing me.

i have a bad urge to go to logo online. and i know i'll get in trouble when it shows on the history.

and now i think i'm going to bed. i have to start going to sleep earlier to get used to getting up at the buttcrack of dawn when school starts.

six days and counting. *sighs* i want more summer!

blaaah i hate bein wit my family especially when the topic of gays/lesbian come up during dinner..they know the way i am yet they insist on making me feel really uncomfortable by making or saying really ignorant comments like "lesbians are disgusting" "why are they so butch and manly" and the one that got to me the most (made by my sis) "when i have kids they will not be allowe near you,they dont need that kinda "influence" (which she meant my "gay"influence) can anybody say fucked up? eh? i mean she really thinks that i will make her kids gay if im around them HA!
lammme....

Today I went to Planned Parenthood with my friend, Stephenie, to inquire about birth control (for her... duh) It was pretty interesting. They were really helpful and friendly, and birth control for people under 18 is 50% off. Isn't that crazy? I was just blown away by how cool that was...

Then I backed my car into a dumpster and smashed the tail light... I'm so stupid. My Dad's not really that pissed... so that's good. And it'll only cost about $50 to repair so I'm happy.

Summer has been really strange lately. Stephenie, Summer, and I made a list of things to do before summer's over, and now that summer's coming to a close, Stephenie and I really want to finish it. Summer was all weird and didn't want to do anything with us today, she said that it had something to do with her older brother going to college... Who knows? But with this new school year comes the potential for new GASP! love. I know, how sad. I mean. If you think about it, there's very little chance of me finding someone I'm compatable with. But hey, a girl can hope! Right???

Have a great day!!

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I think I see my actual self as I appear to the world…yet still am not quite satisfied, and I know I should be. Oh yeah, my issue revolves around increasing fitness. Years ago, I didn’t care a whit about what I put in my body or how often I exercised, but that slowly began to change throughout my final years of high school and into college. Today I lead a regimented life although I doubt that my efforts are accomplishing anything.

"There are your lumps? Hahaha. Inside a rock hard body as hard as a man’s? Not one ounce of feminine love handle-like curvature to be found."

I’m generally not one to care about appearances so what sort of hypocrite am I that I am not completely content with what I have? That I’m striving for a ridiculous elusive goal? When will I be satisfied?

Obviously there’s an underlying issue here.

There's still words to be said but for now...

I hate how I have to write a 10 page paper on everything I learned in Chinese class last year and I only have a few weeks to do it. The fact that I found out about it last week makes it feel worse.

I feel really sad, all of a sudden, because of something I've been noticing. I think my best friend and I are growing apart. I'd love to say that it's because he's been working and I haven't been able to hang out with him, but I don't think it is. We just don't really talk like we used to. When we do talk, it seems like all we do is bitch about our problems. We don't joke around or talk about random things anymore. I kinda if its b/c of me being depressed so much.

Well school is on the fast approach. I have school supplies to buy, a paper to finish, and schedules to compare. Being a senior feels so... ugh. There's so much pressure.

well, whatever. I'm hungry D:

I'm annoyed because my dad ordered a fan for my laptop which won't work because it overheats because the fan is broken and the fan was too big so now he has to send it back and wait for them to get the right one in stock and I'm like "UGHH" because I just want my laptop to work. XD;

I feel bad for C. Because she can't come out like, to her school (her brother goes to school with her) or to her family, without taking a LOT of risk. I want to protect her and make things easier for her. I also feel bad because I am aware that I have it so much easier than she does. My dad is very accepting (although he worries a lot) and I can't make her parents accepting like that. All I can really do is support her from the outside.

And I think she's jealous of me for having such freedom. But I can't really blame her.

You know what would be totally awesome? To date someone who sees me as a guy. That would rock. As far as gender goes, male or female (or genderqueer or whatever) doesn't really matter to me right now.

I wish so bad I could get my name changed right now. As it, at exactly this moment. DX;

Is it just me or have my journals been getting shorter? Hmm.

~Riku