It's semi-frustrating :P. So far jamaican patties, kraft dinner, grilled cheese sandwiches and cereal have been considered. I just don't know man. Clearly, this is the hardest decision I have made all day :P

Today was boring pretty much. I went to school, did nothing, came home. All week though I have been thinking about beautiful guitars. Because I went to Long and McQuade on Monday to get my saxophone fixed (In four years of owning it I have never dropped it until December 12 fifteen minutes before I really needed it) and the guy fixing it told my dad and I to come back in fifteen minutes or so. Thus I had plenty of time to ogle beautiful guitars. I fooled around with a Gibson SG for a while, until I came across DUNDUNDUN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GUITARS OF ALL. THE JACKSONS. They had the RR 24 Rhoads and the JS30KE Kelly and it was all I could do not to steal them. haha. They also had the Gibson ES-399. That guitar is absolutely amazing. Semi-hollowbody beauty. Enough about guitars now.

Today in Physics I walked into the room today and leaned back dramatically over Vic's desk and proclaimed "VIC IS NOT HERE TODAY. MY LIFE IS OVER." Which prompted this other girl Em to say "WHAT AM I TO YOU? JUST SOMEONE TO LAUGH AT?" It was funny. Em sets off my gaydar like mad. And today she was realllllly getting into my personal space and touching my hands and stuff. It was a wee bit irritating. At one point I had rolled up the electric cord on a lamp we were using for a lab and Em had the elastic and instead of handing the elastic to me she went to put her hand over mine and take the lamp. So I dropped the cord hahahaha.

Cute Vic was not in Physics today because she had a school hockey tournament and I was very disappointed even though she told me about this yesterday. A lot more disappointed than I thought I would be. She also bodychecked me into a locker in the hall yesterday and in my mind I was like "well this is fun". Even after she body checked me she stayed pressed up against me for a couple of seconds and it was nice. hahaha this is getting lame. I wish she would throw me up against a locker and kiss me WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.

Hey, does anyone know where you can by gift cards for Amazon.com in Canada? I'm thinking about buying some movies and both seasons of SON on Amazon but I don't have a credit card.

I am very glad that I wrote my last journal entry, to find out if I was too old to be hanging out here. Thanks guys for your responses. I feel welcome and reassured that it is ok to still be on here.

I have been having a slightly crappy few days and feel the need to post. So I warn you now this may be slightly whingy. I have had a really bad flu since the weekend, and I have exams next week that I need to be studying for. But college work seems to be a no go for me this year. I have been all over the place and it seems that all my work is just falling apart. I seem to spend so much time trying to do work and getting nowhere. I think it is my own fault. I should just set a limited amount of time that I want to spend working on stuff and then leave it at that but I don't. I seem to just let myself get stuck in a rut. I am aware of this yet I keep following the same cycle. Why?

I also have a crush. A big crush, and for once it is on another lesbian. So yay for that. But I barely know her. We know each other from my lgbt society. She runs it,she is very out, she is very confident, she gets a lot of girls. I have no idea how to get her attention. I don't even know how to approach this. I want her to want me too. I wanted to get ahead with my college work so as I could have more free time when I am back in college to go on noghts out and spend more time with my lgbt.So far this is not working out for me. I need to get myself together,and get some focus on life.

Also I have added the link to my facebook on my profile here, should any of you guys want to add me. Just don't mention on my facebook that I'm a raging homo.
Also for some reason everytime i say facebook I think facefuck since I seen it on a badge once.
Love you guys =]

K,woke up,had a nice call/txts from Vanessa to start the day off well hehe. After watching some of the psycho Ann Coulter interview w/Matt Lauer on GMA,I went to do my school stuff. 1st I went to Fin Aid and got my form to go w/my counseling paper(turn it in tomorrow), then I went and got my books/Pepsi(3 for $301.33)including my Speech book,even though I'm not registered for that class..yet(have to go 1st day and usually get in if registered students don't show),and I can always return the book for a refund(and just have my 3 classes then). Still have to do today: return last book to library,do some chores,do the usual and get lunch maybe.

Wow I realized I haven't written here for 2 weeks! I guess I also haven't really had time to write while I was back home. Dinners were continuous, and every night was a feast. I think I gained back all that freshmen 15 I finally managed to burn off these 2 1/2 years. Damnit! Now I have to lose it all over again!

A lot of my friends went on exchange to Europe so a lot of them stayed over there touring, while a small bunch of us came home. It was fun nevertheless, as long as I got to see my best friend and a few other close ones, it was all good.

Anyways...Christmas...could have been better in the house, but meh, things definitely changed. My mom definitely wasn't that happy with me when I got home. Mich surprised me with a watch I mentioned I liked the day before I left. I brought the watch to get the strap fixed. My mom saw the watch and instantly knew something. She gave me this threatening look and said, "Don't you dare take advantage of people!" I was thinking...what in the world are you talking about?! So I replied if my sisters bf gave her a watch she wouldn't say anything, instead she just kept staring with this look...and said, "You don't have to like girls! You just haven't met the right guy!blahblahlbha" I'm like "Mom this isn't a choice! She is not just a "girl" to me, she is a person I love, I can't change that fact. I came home this Christmas to see you guys, but with everything you're doing these days, you're pushing me away."
With that we ended our small argument, and never talked about it again.

My dad and I we just acted the usual around each other. We played golf, he was proud 'cause I finally beat his score, we had our usual conversations and jokes, and rewarded me with gifts and I felt bad about since they were pricey. It seemed like he reacted so well. Nothing changed until I was about to leave. I was getting ready and he came to me. I thought he was going to talk about the usual stuff like take care of yourself, have a good flight....but instead he asked "So how are you? So how are you and your gf? You guys talked often while you were home? Are you happy?" I was a little surprised but I was like "Yea I'm really happy, we're doing very well and we talk alot over the phone." And then this is where everything changed when he asked "Do you think you would like to see a psychiatrist?" I'm like I've been going to a psychiatrist for 9 months, but not for this! I know myself perfectly well on this case! I went to sort out other things in my life!
Then I don't remember when things turned bad, but the only time my dad ever laid a hand on me was when he smacked me lightly with a ruler on my hand when I was a kid. He smacked me hard on the back out of rage and frustration with my attitude, and what he calls "stubbornness" (which I believe is a trait from him). My mom came around wondering what the hell was going on, but we both blew her off because it was not her argument to get involved in. I told my dad to leave the room, but he kept standing there and I couldn't get ready with him around. He finally said he would leave if I would ask him in a better tone of voice. Before he left, (a funny part here), he was so mad he didn't know what to do he threw my make up case on my suitcase LOL...Random of him.
We just needed time to cool off from each other...so around 30mins later, right before I was leaving the door. We said our goodbyes and never mentioned a word about what happened.

I thought M was everything before Mich. But now that I see this is how a relationship could be when we hit such a stage with 2 highly intense people.
Mich and I have a lot we are afraid of in relationships, a lot we're working towards together within it, going through a lot of firsts together, and being honest with each other. Love to the both of us is not lightly used, even on both sides our friends know that we hardly say it. (Deep down they know we love 'em lol)
Like say this coming valentine's, it's both our first time getting a Vday gift for someone. We've both been with very few people. When it came to love, I'm the first person she gave all and said I love you to. Mich came along and made me realize when I said I love you to M or G, or the things I did for them, I didn't love them as much as I thought. I was so caught up in the moment before.
I love this girl, and when we said it to each other, I think we burned down a town with all the heat built up between us.

You know what's really odd? My friends don't find it weird that I make random animal noises. Not like actual sounds, but the words. Like, I randomly say moo or meow in a normal speaking voice. I don't know why, I just do it. If their is a silence among my friends I either make an animal noise or say something random. It breaks the silence and makes everyone laugh, but they don't look at me like I just meowed. I find it funny. It may not be though and maybe I'm just in a good mood to think that it's funny. Ah well.

School is on a two hour delay, hence the reason I'm here. I haven't had time to post between family things, friends, school, physical therapy and the musical that I'm helping out with. And what's even better, once this one is over this saturday, I get to start another on Sunday. The only difference is, this one will be with high schoolers and not the middle schoolers I'm working with right now, and instead of rehearsals from 3 to 5 they will be from 7 to nine. And on sundays, I will end up being at the school from 5:30 to 9 because of chamber singers.

I have an article due for yearbook on instrumental music, but the band teacher doesn't do verbal interviews. She only writes them, and she left it at home yesterday, so hopefully she will remember it today so I can type it during my lunch period which also happens to be my yearbook period. I wouldn't be having this problem if we didn't have a delay bacause I have a study hall 2nd period which is only 40 minutes into the school day. Two hours goes far past that.

I love being really busy. Some of my friends make fun of me because I never really have any free time. I like it though. And I do have free time but I can only handle it in small amounts. I'm one if those people who has to constantly be doing something unless I feel I really need a break.

Anywho, I'm off to do the homework that I didn't do last night because my chem teacher predicted the delay.

~Mike (yes, its not the usual name, but my friends always call me that and I'm kind of used to it now. And its a lot easier to type :P).

I WANT CUTTING!!!!
I WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTING!!!!!!
I.
WANT.
TO.
CUT.
Cutting is good!
But no cutting for me.
Fuck.
Rolled ciggarettes suck.
And not in a good way.
And I want cutting and I'm not allowed and
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life sucks.
I'm lonely.
I've never met a gay person other me, annnnnnd
I WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTINGI WANT CUTTING!

And reading that through I sound insane, but maybe I am.

Cutting time nao?

Bitch Bitch Bitch.....That's today in a nutshell.

My mom wakes me up today to ask whether or not I want to watch The Dark Night with her and my dad. It's 11 am(Too light out to watch a movie like that!) so I tell her no. So, at 1 pm I get out of bed and I can hear that they are still watching the movie so I stay upstairs cause I don't want to watch the movie half way through, I figure that I'll watch it later. So, an hour or so later I go downstairs and the movies over. My parents start arguing about whatever(It's a normal occurrence).

Okay, so I eat then me and my mom take the dogs out for a walk. Then she tells me how my dad was complaining about how I didn't come down to watch the movie with them, that I'm spending all this time in my room now, it's ridiculous that I sleep in so late, and whatever else I'm doing wrong....Blah blah blah. Well, excuse me if I don't want to wake up early to watch HIS television programs. And like WTF is the point in me waking up early???...Umm...I got nowhere to go and nothing to do so what's the point? Plus in like a week I'm starting my job workshop so I plan on spending my last week sleeping in and doing what I like. And the reason I've been spending more time in my room is because I'm either using the computer or playing my Xbox.....Ugh.

He bitches behind my back...and some of it has to do with the fact that he isn't working and hasn't been for a while. So, he's at home and drinking and life's kinda shitty for them right now. But there's this shining light that he sometimes sees but most of the time he can't. I understand that my parents are going through a kind of rough time right now but he doesn't need to take it out on me. Although, it's not just me that he's taking it out on. At our family Christmas get together he was pissy too, so my sisters got some of it and my mom get's that everyday. So, there ya go. It doesn't make me feel better. At the end of the week he's starting some work training for a new job. He needs to get a new job and get out of the house cause him being at home all the time doesn't make anybody happy.

Alright, so there's my bitching for the day. I feel a bit better.

i just recieved my 26th (but who's counting?) Radclyffe book in the mail today. aaaahhh!!!! i want to read it so bad, but at the same time, i never want it to end!

it's set in the 1860s, in the Montana area, and it's....so sweet. i've read the other book she wrote that's set in the same era, it's just a little while after the first one, and the characters from the first one show up in the second, so i already know that they are incredibly sweet.

did that make any sense at all?

i reeeeaaaaaally want to read it, but i'm denying myself the pleasure for as long as i can. i've watched Boston Legal (LOVE that show, even though denny gives me nightmares. candice bergen has had too many face lifts, and is still sexy as hell...and please, don't ever quote me), i've played WoW, i went to the store for my mom...anything to not read the book. and now i'm writing an inane post about how i want to read a book.

how sad can you get?

sigh...maybe someday i'll go to lawschool. my parents think i should...but it seems so competative (not just law school, though that is, but being a lawyer), and i'm not competative like that. at least, i don't think i am. i guess...i don't think i want it enough. not now, anyway. i don't want it enough to work my ass off for it.

and now i'm really hot, because my mother FREEZES in the winter, and so insists on cranking the heat up! (to 66...but i like it at 55, so...)

okay, i'm gonna go watch Boston Legal and resist the pull of my amazing book. :D

BD

today was average.
I got to school, but the door hallways to the band room were locked because the people in charge don't think it's fair or w/e for the band kids to be able to go down their hallway when everyone else has to wait until 8. ..and it's ridiculous. we're band kids..that means we have those rights. it's basic, really, and it's been going on for a gajillion years...now all of a sudden they think they can just lock the doors on us. grr.

in other news, my american history class feels like a pre-school level class. pathetic. but oh so amazingly easy.

3rd hour, spanish II. hurrah. today was El Dia de los tres reyes..three king's day...and we just watched videos. we're having a fiesta friday. yay. i love them. that means pastel, dulces, caliente chocolate, the works. :D

then the rest were just normal classes. not going to get into that.

ughhhh stupid cold weather and dry skin. oh well, that's why they invented lotion. just too lazy to put lotion on right now.

I swear, my mom's trying to get me to go out with every guy she sees me talking to. it's obnoxious.
so I went to the basketball game with this guy, J because I didn't want to be stuck in her room all night, and J is fun to hang out with.
the first thing my mom asks is if I romantically like him..NO!
then I'm talking to this guy who I sit at lunch with, A, and he's cool too..
and my mom sees me messaging him and says he seems nice and I should go out with him. :\ uhh, nooo.
and this was just today. Over the summer I realized she was doing that when we would hang out on the lake and stuff, but I just blew it off.and I never really listen and she's been doing it for a while..but now it's starting to bug me again.

you know.
screw this inhibition stuff.
I'm just gonna do it, yeah.
why be shy about it.
me, i'm fine with it, i've grown to accept myself.
it's about time I start acting like how I feel,
I need to just stop holding back.
and if someone's gaydar goes off, and if someone gives me a wierd look about the things I say, who cares, it's just me being me.
and if someone asks me..out will go the truth...
next time my mom talks about me going out with a guy, no mom, I don't like guys. you're probably thinking I should take coming out to my mom officially a little more serious, but technically I already did come out to her, so it's her fault for denying me..I only lie to her so she doesn't make me feel bad about her thinking it's all a game, it's selfish really.
God, and this whole conversation thing with myself is really empowering, and I will try my hardest to stick to it.
sometimes I can be bashful about my sexual orientation when I overhear people talking about homosexuality. but the best way to stop being bashful is to just go full force...like jumping off of a cliff into the water. yeah. and I can easily jump off of those cliffs. so I'll jump off of this one....smooth falling or uneven ununiform crazy falling, either way the water's going to feel nice once I'm in it.

Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive... And stuff.

I decided to start telling people that I'm gay, for the sake of simplicity. I'm sick of being asked what "pansexual" means and a lot of people aren't satisfied with the "I don't have a label" answer. Plus, I'm not really attracted to girls anyways, as of right now. So whatever.

I still feel like the idea of me finding a boyfriend - you know - ever, is kind of hopeless. I mean, first they have to be cool, then they have to be open to the idea of dating a boy openly, THEN they have to be open to the idea of dating a boy without a penis, and a boy who is still thought of as a girl by half of the school, and with a female body, and dealing with my second puberty... Fun stuff. So at least for right now, it feels super-extra hopeless. Unless I manage to find another trans guy that's not straight. Which is doubtful.

Okay, so I have a friend who knows two, but they're with each other, so they don't count.

Also, I hate my chest more and more every day. I think it's getting bigger too. JOY. I wish they would just go away, poof, gone. But I've gotta wait, at least two years, because I'm pretty sure I've got to be 18, and plus, where am I gonna get the money from? It's stressful though, I've had them long enough, I want them gone NOW. I'm tired of worrying about their presence all of the time. DX; I'd totally take horrible ugly surgery scars over this. This is worse, although horrible ugly scars suck too.

Okay, I'm done ranting now.

~Ash.

so, i couldn't bring myself to block my mom, even partially.
i dunno why.
i just took off the sexual preference part.

i kind of want my mom to know.
but not at this exact moment.

soon, though.

All I did was send an email to the local PFLAG by my house just to ask them what support services they offer for someone my age. I honestly just wanted to get a list of what they offered--I'm not ready to go yet--I just wanted to find out the types of things that they offer, so I could wrap my mind around going in the future. But now they've flipped out and sent me like four emails already.

First, they invited me to a meeting, and I had to tell them that I'm really just not ready for that yet. I mean, I don't want anyone to be able to look at me and know that I'm gay, and that's just too many people... I'm sure that sounds stupid, but whatever--I didn't say all of that to them though. So, now they want to know if I just want to meet with like three of them. And I don't know what I think of that. That sounds kind of overwhelming. I'm an emotional mess anyway, whenever I talk about this, I start crying. That's okay when you're with a counselor, but I sure as hell don't want to start bawling in front of three random strangers. I think I'm going to have to tell them no. Not yet, anyway. I don't know. It's not that it isn't a good idea in theory, but... They did say that I could talk to someone over email though...but that's not that different than what I do with you guys, and there's nothing more awesome than Oasis for communicating online. That's what I get for sending them an email :P.

I don't know for sure, but i think my next door neighbors got one of their sons a drum kit for xmas.

all i do know, is that every day, i hear drumming. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. it is driving me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! totally stark raving bonkers!!!

and it's not like it's totally unreasonable for them to be able to practice their instrument! and i'd feel bad going over and asking them to stop! it's just so freaking annoying!

and, of course, my room is the one that's closest to the next house (well, there's my bathroom, and the TV room/library, but nobody really uses those for long periods of time), so once again, if i want to be ALONE, i have to 'suffer' (strong word, but it fits). in the summer, my room gets up into the 90s, because the sun shines directly in, and it's HOT. and now! DRUMS!!! isn't life jolly??

i'm having a pity party, in case y'all hadn't noticed. feel free to join in at any time.

i saw my shrink today...thank god. she's great. it wasn't that i was feeling horrible before, but now i don't feel guilty for not feeling horrible.

she has this whole thing that she calls 'holding space' (dunno if it's HERS, or if a lot of shrinks use the idea...), and pretty much, it just means that a person (me, in this case)...holds space, for someone else. i don't do anything, i don't try to change things, i'm just there. and sometimes, whomever i'm holding space for is there, and sometimes they're not (and who it is changes, of course), and sometimes maybe they don't want me, but it's how i can be okay. it's how i can say "i love/care about you, but i can't change your life. i'm just here, and you can be 'here' with me, if you want." that way, i don't feel horrible about not Helping, as i'm wont to do.

anyway...sometimes i need to be reminded that i can't fix everything, and that that's okay. it's not my job, and i don't have to feel guilty over it. really, i don't.

yeah, sure...

well, at least i'm getting better at it.

BD

Today was the first day back to school. New semester. I showed up to my first class. And it turns out that guidance changed my schedule and didn't bother to notify me. So I was exponentially late to my actual first block. Photo. Easy as shit class. Then I had chem with one of my good friends. We giggled like the entire time. We have too many inside jokes. The teacher hates us. And then it was AP psychology. Sadly, I didn't get an H (or like the honors grade) last semester as I learned today. But I did get an A so I was proud. I was so close to that H. So I was kind of disappointed. But still happy with my A. Lunch with J. And her boyfriend's ex. That was kind of special. They didn't fight or anything... It was just special like I said. And the most interesting class... strength and conditioning... or weight lifting.

I didn't dress out. It's the first day back. Stupid mistake. Everyone else has taken this class before. Well.. most everyone. I felt like a newb. But it wasn't that bad. I paired myself up with a group of guys. That's my comfort zone. Guys. I've noticed that lately. They don't usually start drama. Or at least with me. Or around me. you know?

Anyway. So I'm in this group with three guys. Two muscular guys. One of them is actually really attractive. And then there's him. Ugh. His ex girlfriend dated my friend R. And I hate her. She's just a bitch to everyone. He had been hitting on me. The entire time. Coach says variety is how to live life. Gives us a bunch of examples of how variety is good in working out.

And then he says that variety is also good, you need to have a blonde and a redhead to add variety to your brunette girlfriend. Dismissed us to do hangs. And I turn to this guy hoping to get him off my back. And say "That's what I need a blonde and a brunette" (I'm a redhead). He says "Well what about about me, I'm blonde?" And my only thing to say after that was "Yeah, but you don't really have the kind of rack I'm looking for in a blonde." And left it like that. He was so confused it was hilarious. It made my day. He didn't talk to me until we went down stairs to dress out. And both of us hadn't. So he just stands there and waits. And finally says "So are you a lesbian because then you'd be my first lesbian friend." I had like no idea what to say to that. I'm not friends with this guy. I just met him. You have to go through an interviewing process to be my friend. And he hasn't gone through everything yet.