So I'm back at school now, and I finally got to see my friends again. Lunch just isn't long enough. I haven't gotten to see them since last friday. So I was really excited to see them. And I loved talking to them, but it just didn't last very long. I had my voice lesson, so I couldn't stay after school and hangout with them at the bike racks like I normally do. I really wish I had been able to. I just feel like I have all this tension built up from not being able to see them. I was looking forward to seeing them all break, and then I didn't get to. Like, I was counting so much on seeing them, and really being able to see them, that when I didn't it really has effected me.

I don't know. I just feel empty, you know, like theres this itch I can't scratch. I hope I'll be able to stay after school to talk to them. So I want to go to one of my friends houses for the first time, but I don't want to seem I don't know, like I'm inviting myself? I don't want to invite them to my house, mainly because it embarasses me. I know, that sounds horrible, but it really does. I love my family, really I do, but I don't know. I live in this town where everyone lives in really freaking big houses, and even though I know my friends don't theres still this weird feeling. My house is really small, and its always messy, and my brother is a huge dick. So now, I'm not sure, I really want to go hang out with them alot more. Like, I want to see them outside of school. But I have no clue how to go about it. I can't invite myself to one of their houses.

So, nothing new on my 'almost' thing with C. I emailed her a bit ago, I don't know, I really need to talk to her, but I'm not sure what I'm going to say. God, what do I do? i don't know if I want to hav a relationship with her or not. Shes really cool, but I thought I was over her. I was so into her last year. I was this timid, closeted dyke who was completely and utterly teriffied of the idea of coming out. But at the same time, totally wanted to, and she was this amazing, out, confident, strong girl who was everything I wanted to be. And I was completely in love with her. Well, okay, i totally wasn't in love with her. but I thought I was. I was infatuated. Completely and utterly. I thought I loved her, but I didn't I know we wouldn't have made a good couple at the time.

I don't know, so maybe, I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Of course, the whole, 'dating the ex of an ex' thing. When I was dating E (my ex girlfriend), we talked about when she dated C. Not in a mean way or anything, just like a sharing stories type of thing. And so I got to hear about kinda what it was like to date C. I don't know, it sounded pretty bad, but you can never really know with things like that. I don't know. Should I date her? Should I get to know her again? Should I not even consider it because of our history, I mean, I decided along time ago that it was a really bad idea for us to date. I don't know, maybe its a really stupid idea. I don't even know if I should have kissed her. That would make me feel all these emotions anyway, but I would still know if she felt the same way or not. Its the not knowing thats killing me. Ugh! I thought I already had this drama! Its like watching re-runs of my life. Same thing, only slightly different. I don't know if she likes me, but I know that if I wanted to, I could ask her out. I don't know, I have alot more confidence than I did before. So I don't know, god, I need to think about this.