I started writing this on my e-mail journal as part of self-initiated therapy. This is only the first half. I was going to change the ending so that I got the girl, but even now that everything is out in the open, I can't even let myself have this fantasy. I will work on it, but anyway, here is part one.

want to be her. Every day, I am sitting on the couch when she comes in, and I always can tell immediately how she feels. Sometimes she'll give a hearty greeting, sometimes she will head straight to her room, but every time, my heart skips a beat and I hope that today was a good day.

I don't even remember how I first knew she was the one. We met on the first day of orientation and we were overjoyed to learn that both of us would be taking physics and we were both wanted to be math majors. We had class and we got to know each other and immediately I was smitten. I did not know very much about her but she was sweet and funny and utterly brilliant.

We got into a fight at the end of our class. I said something and she made a harsh retort, and I left. Then I didn't see her for a couple of days, but when I did, she was so glad to see me that I forgave her and maybe that was when I fell in love.

Nothing happened for a long time. Partly because I had a boyfriend, partly because I was trying to figure out who I was, and partly because I knew, just knew that she was straight enough to break my heart in two.

We became really good friends. We would have days where we didn't understand each other but other days we would spend our time together being silly and laughing. She loved me and I loved her.

For two years.

For two years I got to know her and realized how beautiful she was, how dedicated she was, how she could enter a room and everyone would just smile. I wasn't the only one that loved her, but even she had no idea, that I was so painstakingly, overwhelmingly, desperately-wishing-I-was-anyone-else-so-I-might-have-a-chance in love with her.