Hey guys, I typed this as a journal entry but did a word edit and changed names so it wouldn't be to revealing. I wanted to share it with ya'll. Hope to hear from ya.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 3:22 PM

Well a lot has happened and I must admit it’s not like I haven’t written about it it’s just that all the times I’ve written about the things I’ve written about it hasn’t been in the best of detail or to the exact way I’d like to specify things. Then I’ve ended up talking about it with people too.

I finally had a talk with Good friend # 1 about basically everything that was on my mind. I talked with him about so much. About his dad, J, his running from his problems and the ways he does it, about how he doesn’t seem to be able to see both sides of every situation, then about me and my problems. Such as the fact that he doesn’t seem to be very sensitive about things that may bother me. I think he even proved that b y some of the things he said while we were talking. I finally told Good friend # 1 why I started showering when we were in P.E. He was surprised, I guess it had never crossed his mind. God, I even told him that I wish I could see him naked, just so I could see him as a whole. Good friend # 1 was like, with a laughing smile on his face, Well D. that’s never going to happen. He repeated that at least once or twice.

I also found out that Good friend # 1 had a “contest” with Friend of good friend #1. That contest being to see who could cum the quickest, Good friend # 1 even told me how quick he came, a little over a minute, and how long it took Friend of good friend #1, a little over two minutes. As much as I like to know about the sexual things Good friend # 1 does with other guys I’d like to know why he could do things like that with Friend of good friend #1 and not guys like me. Besides the fact that I’m gay and would enjoy it. I’m not going to ask though because I think I already know the answer. Friend of good friend #1 is probably just better than me, in Good friend # 1s way. Like the viewpoint Good friend # 1 has of me is significantly different than that he has of Friend of good friend #1 and not in a better way.

I sometimes feel like no matter where I am with Good friend # 1 in our friendship I’m always last and it just makes me feel low. Sometimes it makes me feel so low and frustrated that I just wished I could instantly get what I wanted/need from Good friend # 1 and just be done and over with him. I’m serious too. I think that’s such a terrible thing to say but honestly I just don’t know for what reasons I should continue to be as caring for him as I am. For whatever reason, it appears that I’m currently unable to stop.

He’s making me feel so different and weird on the inside that I just can’t place it. I want to be over him, soooo much, but it’s like I can’t just let him go and he’s given me no strong reason to hate him or to want to leave him to his own so I keep going to him and it’s like I never get enough of what I want or need from him yet I KEEP GOING BACK! It’s like it all just goes around in one big infinite circle of never pleasing endlessness.

Sometimes this terrible thought goes through my head. Sometimes I feel like there’s really nothing mentally satisfying that he can give to me, like he’s done all that already. Sometimes I wonder if I could just get, as much as I hate to say it, fucked by him, and good, that it would be a physicality that would somehow drain him from my system. Like some people say goodbye by hugging, maybe he’s given me all that he can except his touch? I think it’s a terrible thought because that goes against my nature, ESPECIALLY since it’s not within his will to be with me in a physical nature. Sometimes I just think that anyway, that maybe if there could be some kind of physical love, because I guess I don’t know where else his love would come from, that maybe I’d feel it just enough to be gone from him and take that love without needing his physical presence.

He is my friend, and that is all. Maybe the problem is not him showing enough love, maybe the problem is that I’m wanting/expecting it when this is just a friendship and I don’t actually deserve it? Maybe friends don’t give the type of love I need? Do you think? I think that is possible but I don’t officially know.

I told him I felt better after I had finished all my talking and what not, he said he felt just the same. I wonder if that means he didn’t get a single thing out of anything I said? I wrote him a list of things to think about, because he asked me to and I don’t even know if he’s going to get to it because he told me yesterday that he’s moving to a town over an hour away to work for the rest of the summer. Even though he said he’d be coming back every now and then, I just have my skepticisms about it all. I felt kinda crushed because of that, luckily I talked with a friend of mine online and he helped me through it. Thanks ;)

Well I’m going to call that a wrap for now. I hope to hear from some of you.