I started my summer course today. I was pretty good, but I honestly don't know why I put myself through stuff like this. Ok so I love film, or more precisely tv and more specifically HBO. I want to produce tv shows for HBO. So why the heck am I so scared of this stupid, insignificant summer film class?
(Possible) Reasons:
1. Friends: i am working with very good friends who have never seen me use a camera or how I work creatively -- I have stress to live up to a certain standard -- but perhaps its a positive stress?
2. Camera: As much as I love film, I don't really care so much about what type of camera I use and so on. I would be perfectly happy using digital yet here I am learning how to load a film camera. I mean its interesting but there's so much to remember I'm afraid I won't be able to get it all. Cameras are to film majors what cars are to any typical male, and I don't know anything about either
3. Shorts- the class is six weeks, everyday monday through friday 9-6. We do 5 films each + 20 films per group = no sleep or social life, and possible mental breakdown by June 27th....and also the first panic attack I ever had was during my first film course, that was during the summer at the same university, i hope i don't have a repeat...
4. Director: umm so I am terribly afraid of public speaking, like i shut down and nothing happens and I hate telling people what to do.

So four reasons, sometimes I really don't know why i decided to major in this. I guess the reasons is that i really love it, I really do, in a masochistic sort of way. But unless i get over my insecurities I really don't see how I will survive in this industry.