Minor Rant
I feel so stuck right now, college is supposed to be a place to "experiment" to find yourself blah, blah, blah and I'm in one of the gay friendliest cities in the world and yet I'm stuck in my sexuality. The worst thing is that I know its my fault, their have been a few times that I could of changed this yet I stopped because of fear. The reason this has come up is because (to put it bluntly) almost everyone is getting laid expect me (and I don't even want to get laid -- i just want to meet someone). All my friends are hooking up or going out with someone and then there's me.
I probably the worst lesbian ever, no seriously (not in the cashmere mafia sense) --bad show don't watch it. I don't want to walk down the street and from my dress or pose have people know I'm gay. I don't like the whole rainbow thing and think its beyond cheesy. I think a majority of lgbt books, movies and ect are really really horrible, their are exceptions of course but still. Now I'm not sure if this is internalized homophobia or what, I don't think it is because I've never been one for obxnoius things like that but I just don't fit in to this gay culture. Which is fine right? if you never want to meet anyone. I'm out to almost all my friends here and if someone asks me I will tell them but I just feel so closed off. Three of my best friends are gay/bi boys and while I love them to death, why can't I find a freaking lesbian in this place. The only other gay girl I have met, is nice but i mean her favorite movie is rent (yes i am a bit of a snob) out of all the movies made your favorite is rent???? what???
- end of rant -
Anyways so i just started to watch strangers with candy, dam the show is funny, amy sedaris is the main character who is the sister of david sedaris, for some reason i never put these two things together, their both mad funny though
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Comments
Oh god, I know times
Oh god, I know times infinity how you feel.
I mean you're in New York, I'm in London. So similar set up- like big diverse cities. Still no lesbians.
And rainbows. I cannot abide. And yes, alot of LGTB books and films are just awful. And the idea of being of a culture based around my sexuality just repels me.
And I wouldn't sleep with someone whose favourite film was Rent. In fact the only possibly available girl I've met in the past three years I just can't persue because she's nice, but she's just too... awful. She wears a big pink cowboy hat and only reads childrens' books. I know this makes me a bad person.
And fear. I understand fear.
All my friends are all straight. And that's great, but this one part of my life- this terminal loneliness and fear of doing anything to change it- they can't be expected to understand. Strangers never believe I'm gay. I'd doubt it it too if it wasn't so terrifyingly real inside me.
Again...
If you spent as much time saying what you wanted, as opposed to adding to the list of what you aren't or don't want, you'd be moving in the right direction.
Although, if sleeping with someone is contingent upon approving of their favorite films, wardrobe, etc., then you may need to hit up a sex store and buy some toys, cuz you may already be in the room with the only person who will meet with your approval.
I also think that if you're still coming out to people, you're not out enough to be officially on the market. It's like you wrote, "I'm gay" inside of a book and put it on a shelf in your library. Anyone can find out, it's available to them, but the odds are against them finding it. And the people who need this information are the same people who you'd possibly get to date/befriend if they knew...
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Well some of it was
Well some of it was hyperbole. I mean other than not actually being attracted to the aformentioned girl- I've known her since she was 13 and she hasn't changed much- she's best friends with my oldest friend (as in we met on the first day of school and went to Spice Girls concerts together the first time round).
And neither of them realise quite how horrible I actually am. So if I were to try anything out of desparation, I'd have to marry her.
I don't have high standards though. I mean I really really don't. I'm not exactly prize pig myself. My standards are directly proportional to my self esteem. And I'm just totally immature- like school disco levels of sexual maturity- when it comes to attraction. Girls provoke in me the dual emotions of inadequacy and fat. And I haven't even met an openly anything girl for literally a year. She had a boyfriend.
And I don't meet people and I don't know where to meet people. I know I'm just whinging. But it's not even like I'm not out. I'm just out in theory and never in practise. And I'm not meeting new people to come out to: I work by myself in a pottery shop, I volunteer at a charity with people older than my parents, I live at home with my family and I socialise with a few of my old school friends.
You're a sensible man. I'm really flattered you commented, because I value your asessment. So lots of don't and aren'ts again. But I'm a bit stuck; not hellishly trapped, just stuck. I missed a train and now I'm stranded on the platform.
And I don't really know what specifically I can do to get on with life again.
So I'm just waiting for the promised land of university... if any of them accept me.
I know how you feel. I look
I know how you feel. I look to femm to be gay. To make things worse out of sheer boredom i danced with a guy at the last school dance. I like rainbows just becuase everytime I tell someone Im gay they have a whole 30 seconds where they sit there stunned.
eh...
There's no such thing as too femme to be gay. You just need to break out of your own stereotypes of what gay is.
If people take 30 seconds to get over you being gay... that seems pretty reasonable. Pretty short period of time.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Hmm...
Sounds like everyone is getting what they want: they want to get laid and they are, you don't want to and you're not.
You can't find a girl but no one hardly knows you're gay... again, sounds like a pretty basic cause and effect. If you come out, it opens you up to be found, rather than shouldering the burden of doing all the excavating yourself. Join the gay student group, see if there's a gay community center with a queer book club, etc.
As for the gay community stuff, eh, nice try, but you can't really blame this on not fitting in, since you're confusing gay community with gay capitalism. I live in a gay ghetto, but no one here is wearing rainbow shit every day, hoping they bring back Queer as Folk or dancing down the street singing (unless I have Hairspray playing on my iPod). That stuff isn't the community if there even is such a thing. The gay community isn't sold as a complete set, it's more roll your own.
Although, in some sense, you sort of paint yourself as someone outside looking in, whereas you'll have a lot more luck being part of what's going on. So, start opening up more, come out to people, change all your myspaces, facebooks, etc., to being about looking for girls. All of this stuff that supposedly happens in college that you refer to doesn't merely happen *to* you, it has to happen *because of* you, as well. You have to be the one pushing yourself to try new things.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
oh Jeff. You make too much
oh Jeff. You make too much sense of things. Sometimes I hate it though, cuz' then I have to look at the truth, and the truth sucks balls//it seems so much harder and blunt. I myself am kinda in the same position as sun also rises, buuut I wouldn't say all my friends are hooking up/going out with someone. And I like rainbows... my rainbow belt matches with everything!!!
thank you all for your
thank you all for your help!
jeff i love the library book analogy that's exactly how i feel....