I don't know. I think my relationship with my older sister is beyond repair. I just don't know. She continually does things to anger me, upset me, and disgust me. I make an effort to get along with her, and she just makes extremely offensive remarks. She came downstairs from her shower, just in a towel, and went to the bathroom to get dressed. And, what a fucking suprise, her "friend" got up and ran after her and into the bathroom they went. Together. With her naked. Getting dressed. What a low, sick, perverted thing to do. Especially with a 10 year old girl in the house, my little sister. Alchohol bottles in the fridge and freezer, them coming home drunk every night, talking like morons. I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY. I WISH MY SISTER WOULD GROW UP.

Katharine's 17th birthday party is on Saturday from 5 to 9. There's going to be a lot of people there. Some of them I know, some I'm friends with. Quite a few that I don't know. But I'm her best friend, I have to go, she says. There's no way in hell I'd miss it, anyways. Maybe I'll get to know some of the people better.

I played in gym again today. Even though I really didn't want to. Yay!

Tomorrow I'm going to see the meds doctor. I can't WAIT. I so desperately want to start meds again; my life is falling apart. But if the one she suggests I start increase anxiety in the least bit, I will refuse to take it. I need help with my anxiety, not anything that will make it worse. This doctor is leaving, too, so I'll get started on meds and then someone will fill in until they find a new doctor. Which is not necessarily a good thing, I don't think. What if I start them and am miserable and desperately need a change? The fill in doesn't know my background, my situation. How would they be able to adjust my meds?

When I think about life, I really don't see any point. It's just a struggle to maintain happiness, a healthy body (only to stay alive longer), socialize, start a family. And for what? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Why have kids? They'll just die when they get old. Just like everyone else. Everyone just dies in the end. Humans are pointless. Sometimes I resent even being born. Because my life is miserable, and a constant struggle. And for no reason. I'm here, I'm queer (haha), I'm miserable, and I'm just going to get old and die. There's no point in learning anything, because even if you do and use your knowledge to change the world, what's the point in changing the world? Just to make it bearable for the generations to come? Just so that they can survive until it's their time to die? POINTLESS. We all die in the end, no matter how good a life we lived, no matter what we did. Stupid. Pointless. That's what life is. Life means nothing.