Ok, so I have this friend who I think I probably mentioned ages ago, who has a crush on me.To give a brief background-we made friends at the start if this college year,it quickly emerged he wanted to be more than just friends.I told him I was flattered but no.We continued to be friends.For a while I thought he was over it, but I started to get the feeling he actually hadn't, which eventually led to me coming-out to him.Mainly to let him know there is no chance ever, and also because we spend so much time together.I trusted him and I wanted to be open and honest with him.

I knew by the way he reacted that he hadn't gotten over the crush.I could see it in the look on his face even though he was fine about me being gay.In the past couple of months he has been incredibly supportive and helped me so much with coming-out and seeing it as just regular thing and no big deal.

I was starting to think of him as one of my best friends.He insisted many times that he was over the crush long before I came-out to him.I didn't really believe that,but since coming-out to him I thought that would be enough for him to move on.For a while it seemed like he had.But lately he started trying to act couply again.Doing things like trying to hold my hand walking around,or he will touch my leg in that couply way that people do when you know they are going out(I'm not sure I have explained that well).I tell him to stop and I find it annoying.Then today he just really annoyed me with a couple of things he said and did, that made me think is he really the person I think he is.

We were eating lunch together and just joking around and stuff.But he reached across the table as if to grab my boob,and came pretty close to grabbing it.I got annoyed and asked wtf he was doing.But he didn't seem to grasp my anger and went back to do it again this time with both hands.At that point I felt a rush of anger and lashed out.I stopped myself just before I slapped him across the face.At which point he knew I was really angry.He has done stuff like that before messing and it has annoyed me.But today it really got to me.On top of that we were talking about me being gay and he seemed to have an attitude towards it that he hadn't let out before.He told me that it seems like I am so hell bent on being a lesbian that I haven't given the other side a chance.I asked him since he was so hell bent on being straight had he given the other side a chance.He had a smart response and went on a ramble about it.

I am not sure if I am over-reacting but the way he has been acting the last couple of days has been weird.One of my friends has told me before that he is just not the same guy when I am not around.I am afriad I am starting to see that guy.But I just don't understand him.Why would he go to such length and trouble to help me to come-out only to offer such a stupid opinion to me.
I am having so much trouble understanding him at the moment.That I am thinking some distance to re-evaluate this friendship is necessary.Maybe it is true that you can't have a friendship when one side wants more.
If anyone has read this some opinions would be nice.I am vey confused by him.

guess im not the only person here who cant seem to express themselves... electricity beat me too it lol

but seriously, my life sucks at the moment. and there isnt a reason. and i keep trying to come on here and write out all of my problems, but i just... cant. it's like my life has totally stopped and i cant do anything productive or constructive. and it seems to be a never ending loop, like a beckett play. after i got round one of assignments out of the way, round two has loomed up. i have a performance plan, a performance, a shakespearean monologue, a website analysis, a hypertext assignment and a reflective essay.

That conversation on msn with A was ok. we talked about some of his issues and it was ok... like, i didnt feel anything for him. but then last night at uni, i was in the servery with my performance group and as we left, A was coming down the hallway. i didnt have my glasses on, so by the time i realised it was him it was too late to run the other way. so we talked mindlessly for a minute, then i wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. i nearly felt like crying as i walked away. i did not see our meeting coming, literally. A was the last thing on my mind when i turned that corner and saw someone at the other end. actually, i lie. i DID think of him, cos it was 5pm and his last lecture finishes then. i had thought, "hope i dont see him, he could come down here." then i thought, "naaaah, he wont." *Slaps forehead* i hate myself for still finding him cute. his hair is darker now. the last time i saw him, nearly 2 months ago, it was considerably blonder.

i have a bit of a crush on a boy in the musical im doing some directing work with at my old school. we've been friends for some time, he's in grade 11. he's a sweet kid, genuinely sweet. he's playing danny lol and he's bi. god im a bit over these bisexual boys, there's always something wrong. i want to do something about this crush, like just let him know gently so that if his answer is "no thanks" that it isnt awkward. i must admit that one thing on this site that annoys me is how much we all crap on about the ppl we have crushes on but we never do anything about it, its shitting me.

my sister is moving to melbourne for a year in a few months. i seriously arent dealing with it, head in the sand. im going to come out to her in august when i'll be flying down to see wicked with her. i know that its a long way away, but i need to set a reasonable goal, and i know i'll be ready to do it by then. hopefully sooner.

I started my summer course today. I was pretty good, but I honestly don't know why I put myself through stuff like this. Ok so I love film, or more precisely tv and more specifically HBO. I want to produce tv shows for HBO. So why the heck am I so scared of this stupid, insignificant summer film class?
(Possible) Reasons:
1. Friends: i am working with very good friends who have never seen me use a camera or how I work creatively -- I have stress to live up to a certain standard -- but perhaps its a positive stress?
2. Camera: As much as I love film, I don't really care so much about what type of camera I use and so on. I would be perfectly happy using digital yet here I am learning how to load a film camera. I mean its interesting but there's so much to remember I'm afraid I won't be able to get it all. Cameras are to film majors what cars are to any typical male, and I don't know anything about either
3. Shorts- the class is six weeks, everyday monday through friday 9-6. We do 5 films each + 20 films per group = no sleep or social life, and possible mental breakdown by June 27th....and also the first panic attack I ever had was during my first film course, that was during the summer at the same university, i hope i don't have a repeat...
4. Director: umm so I am terribly afraid of public speaking, like i shut down and nothing happens and I hate telling people what to do.

So four reasons, sometimes I really don't know why i decided to major in this. I guess the reasons is that i really love it, I really do, in a masochistic sort of way. But unless i get over my insecurities I really don't see how I will survive in this industry.

Upset because I can't write it out of my system. Because I can't sit down and just tell a story. Why can't I just sit down and write it out? I'm always stuck, always blocked. Lots to write about, no tongue to do it with. Perhaps I've overestimated my abilities in the past.

Time to rethink my future major.

Irritated because I live in this town. This conservative town. Because all the girls I like are straight. Because I can't write her out of my system.

However, pleased that I have a "tolerance" sticker on my car now. That I got to spend my Sunday in my environment [that is, around a lot of gay people at Long Beach Pride]. That I have a best friend who can relate. That she is truly my best friend. That I was nominated for winner in our school's writing contest [seems to contradict my irritation].

Pleased that the author of the second best selling novel and I have something in common. Go, Daphne Du Maurier. But I'm very sorry for your boy trapped in the box all your life. Thank god for Gertrude, I guess.

I'm going to copy and past bits of a conversation I had with a girl who is my friend that I just recently had. It is about the friend it has become apparent I am in love with.

I left his place feeling more alone than I did when I walked in.

To top that off he knows I'm gay. He doens't make a big deal about it or anything but I feel like that further seperates us.

I want the friendship I'm not getting something I want from but get hurt when I don't get the whatever it is I want and then when I'm away all I can think about is being back there doing something with him and that hurts too... which one do I need to pick?

Here's something the girl I was chatting with said: "thats because u like him 4 more then a friend."

Then I said: well it needs to stop. It's causing all sorts of problems.
I don't think it's healthy for me, and its obviously unreciprocated.

Part of me truly believes that if i just did my best to leave his life that he wouldn't miss me.

I don't want do distance myself from him, but I don't know how just playing it cool like everything is normal is going to help when it is apparent that I need more than what I'm EVER going to get from him.

She said: "Let it develop on its own."

I said: Even that is hard. Spending time with him just normally like I did today hurt more than being away from him for a WHOLE month.

I want to cry and scream with anger both at the same time.

Anyway as I'm sure you have guessed I got to do something with my good friend today, but despite the good time I had it was torture.

I'm going to try and go to the new Indiana Jones movie this friday but he wants to go with a group of friends that I only barley know one of. Go figure I guess, tell your best friend your gay (espeically if you're attracted to them) and what more should I expect than less one on one time?

He was REALLY cool about things today, I think we had fun, all of us. I just didn't feel satisfied. Sometimes I just wish I could hug him. Just a hug, and get one back, a good one. Sometimes I feel like that would make my day, just that plain old good natural acceptance. To know that I am wanted. I mean honestly it's not a customary thing for friends to speak about how they are glad they know each other, or how they mean a lot to each other.

Anyway, I hope to hear from someone. I need to go to bed.

today for a school assignment I taught my class about the history of the LGBT civil rights movement. we made rainbow peace bracelets for tolerance, and some people made like 3! i was excited. but then i said "we" in refering to gay people, like "WE don't know how long the gay marriage in california will last", and since I'm only out to my best friends, the rest of the class was a little surprised and i backtracked and stumbled and apparently they didnt really catch on, thank god.
this girl told me that she quit track because her dum dum coach told her that she needed to lose 15 pounds in order to compete. 15 pounds of what? skin? she has noooo fat what so ever and if she loses 15 pounds people will see her ribs.
theres this girl who's amazingly gorgeous, and i want her. and i used to be friends with her current boyfriend. and when he told me that hes going out of town for 5 days i got really happy. which is wrong and bad, because i should not keep thinking of ways to get someones girlfriend away from them.
I hope shes bi.
i should leave their relationship alone. i really should.
but i really really don't want to.
i pretended that i wanted to talk to her boyfriend (Phil), just so i could meet her. Phil is kind of annoying and clueless but really really sweet and plays jack johnson and the beatles on his guitar and thats how he gets all the beautiful girls.
so when i met her I said "hi, i dont think i know you" and she said "im phils.....(pointing at phil for kind of a smallish long pause in her sentance)........girlfriend." she didn't even say her name until i asked. her whole identity is "phils girlfriend". i'm not sure what to think about that.

well now i should do my math homework. have a happy monday everyone!

so I'm feeling better about myself now. I'm still not that comfortable with my life ATM...there's a few things that need changing, but I'm slowly getting there.

Anyhow, today I was watching one of my ghost hunting/paranormal shows, and I realized, I have never seen one gay person ever talk about living in a haunted house, or seeing spirits and such. Not that it's really that important, I just thought it was interesting.

So after noticing that, I decided to take some time to share something with you all... my experiences with the paranormal. And before you ask, I was not under the influence of anything (drugs, alcohol, etc.) when I experienced these things.

So, for a little while now, like maybe 2-3 years on and off, I've been having various sorts of spirit activity around me. It hasn't been as severe as some of the stories I've read about, but still odd nonetheless. The activity heightened in frequency after my dog died last November. So here are some of the things I've experienced, in no particular order:

I've seen the apparition of my dog several times, in the same spot. When I see him, he is wearing the blue and red sweater he always wore (I think he died in it). The day after my dog died, I heard him howl. Several days after my dog passed away, my neighbor asked us if we got a new dog (or something like that), b/c she has heard sounds of a dog barking and such when we're out of the house. And no, we never got a new dog.

On a few occasions when I was younger, I heard the sound of someone breathing, in a very raspy way, when I was alone. The creepiest time was when I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, and I heard the sound, and it sounded as if the source was very close to my ear. I'm assuming it was my great uncle, as it started happening after he died, and he had lung problems when he was alive, which could account for the raspy quality of the sound. This particular phenomena hasn't happened recently, though.

Now, I can understand seeing my dog and uncle... but more recently, I've begun to see/sense/hear spirits I don't even recognize. The most unusual phenomena (and I still shudder a little at this one) that has occurred happened when I was alone, in my room. I was working at my desk, which has a mirror in front of it, so I can see if someone's opening the door. So I'm working, and I had the door halfway open...and out of the corner of my eye, I notice something in the door in the mirror. I look in the mirror, and there's this white, mist-like thing standing there, clutching the door, as if its peeking in. It forms the outline of a man, but I can't see any facial features or anything. I whirl around. Nothing at the door. Don't you hate when that happens?

Most recently, I saw something at school. I saw this very faint outline of a person move across the stage in the auditorium, and, of course, no one else saw it... :\

So there you have it.